Are You A Gym Rat? | ClickHole

1. What is your main reason for going to the gym?

To evict the corrupt sweat from my body and convert it into pure glisten

To feel The Burn. The Burn is my life. I lust after The Burn.

To prove something to my father, who said I could never be strong enough to throw a baseball into space

To increase my self-confidence to the point where I’m an omnipotent god
2. What do you do after a long session at the gym?

My legs cannot move, as they were victims of The Burn

I continue working out in the locker room

I assemble everyone I’ve ever had sex with and ask them to sing me a song of their choosing

I descend into a rage, knowing some sweat still lurks within my body
3. How often do you go to the gym?

One to three times per week

Psychotically

For as long as necessary to extradite at least five 20-ounce soda bottles’ worth of the evil sweat from my body

The only time I leave the gym is to watch my children be born, so that I may indoctrinate them in the ways of the gym from the moment of their first breath
4. How many reps could you do with this bad boy?

Only five, because I am comfortable with sweat ruling my interior

Fifteen, for that is the minimum I need to feel the sweet Burn

Infinity

I am currently doing reps with this weight and will not stop until I am dead
5. What is your relationship with your personal trainer like?

I don’t have one, because I foolishly spend my money on non-gym-related expenses like turnips

My personal trainer’s name is Walter, and he follows me everywhere I go even though I’ve told him to stop

My personal trainer’s name is Peter, and I follow him around everywhere even though he’s told me to stop

The Burn is my personal trainer, and I pay him in oil drums of sweat
6. Do you prefer cardio or strength training?

Cardio. There’s a 20-person treadmill at my gym, and we all hold hands while we run and chant.

Strength. With big enough arms, I will be able to run faster than I ever could with my legs.

Neither. I only go to my gym to fish dead rats out of the traps I set there.

The only exercise I do is holding onto as many weights as possible, then throwing myself down the stairs. So whatever that is.
7. When it’s time for the gym to close, you:

Run away quickly so the ghosts of exercise cannot haunt me

Empty my bag filled with 1,000 keys onto the front desk so it will take the staff hours to find the correct key and lock up

Begin doing pull-ups; legally, a gym cannot close if someone is doing pull-ups

Scream “The Burn!” atonally as I punch a solid brick wall
8. In the event of a fire at the gym, you:

Cannot discern between my beloved The Burn and the actual fire

Use my torrents of sweat to put out the flames

Use the fire to motivate me to finally get to 12 reps on a 220-pound bench press

Wait patiently for the fire to finish consuming the rowing machine before using it
9. How do you explain your gym to people who have never been there?

“It is a Temple of Exertion that only the valiant may enter.”

“I have committed every documented sin at my gym and still Hell cannot find me.”

“I am terrified of that place, because if you do not feel The Burn, everyone else will turn and laugh at you.”

“Use my name when you join, because I get a $100 referral fee that I will immediately use to pay someone to throw weights at me.”

Results for Are You A Gym Rat?

You Are History’s Great Exerter
“Gym rat” is an egregious insult to you, given how much time you spend at the gym. Even if you take an eternal shower, you still glisten brighter than a hundred suns from all the sweat throwing itself out of your body. You and The Burn are closer than good college roommates.

Share Your Results
Results for Are You A Gym Rat?

You Are The Norman Mailer Of The Gym
Like his effortlessness on the page, going to the gym is a breeze for you because you go so often. Mailer had his pen, and you have your weights, which you write beautiful sweat stories with. Your The Naked And The Dead is the time you did 100 push-ups in a row, then did a bunch of squats. You are a preeminent 20th-century talent and shall be remembered for many years.

Share Your Results
Results for Are You A Gym Rat?

You Are A Mortal Gym User And Thus Shall Feel Shame
You go to the gym many times a week, but knowing that you could be feeling The Burn more brings shame to you and your ancestors. If sweat is not pouring from your mouth, you are not the person you could be.

Share Your Results
Results for Are You A Gym Rat?

You Are An Enemy Of The Gym
By not attending the gym every waking second, you have become a scorned and bitter opponent of the gym. You seem to be content with leaving sweat inside your body instead of vacuuming it out with sterile exercise. Shame on you.

Share Your Results