Are You Type A Or Type B?

1. How would you describe your bedroom?: The floor is spotless, and the bed has an umpire sleeping in it who occasionally wakes up and puts a stop to mischief and disorder.; My bedroom is laid-back and disgusting, and dirt is the king of everywhere. There is a decomposing body in the bed and I don’t know who it is, so I just wrote “Maybe a criminal?” on a Post-it note and stuck it onto the dead body and called it a day.

2. Please complete the following sentence: “When a sultan comes to town, it is good to steal his jewels and eat them _______”: while a panel of international judges looks on and grades you on how many jewels you eat so that you can quantify your achievements.; while a second sultan watches and says, “Yeah! All right! Now I am the one with the most jewels!” and you scream back, “Whatever!” through a mouthful of jewels.

3. When a fiend points at you from across the street and screams, “Now I am going to swindle you!” what is your typical course of action?: Fight the fiend off with one hand while using the other hand to add “Swindled By A Fiend” to your résumé.; Allow the fiend to work his mischief while you go to sleep and dream that you are signing the Declaration of Independence with the words “Who Cares.”

4. What kind of a lake is your favorite?: An organized lake.; A disorganized lake.

5. What is a typical workday like for you?: I get to the office at the crack of dawn and immediately start doing the job. I start by emailing the words “Work” and “Job” to everyone in America. Once this task is completed, I yell at all of my important documents. Once every hour, I call the fire department and I tell them, “Can’t talk right now, assholes. I am in the middle of doing my job.”; I usually spend my workday procrastinating on work by ripping out clumps of my hair and placing them all over the office so that if a murder ever occurs there, there will be a lot of evidence that suggests I did it.

6. What do you think will happen to you after you die?: I think that my achievement-oriented soul will go to Heaven, where God will scream and throw bricks at me forever. I will collect the bricks and organize them into two piles. One pile will be “Bricks That Hit Me” and the other will be “Bricks That Missed Me.” I will spend eternity building these two organized piles of bricks that were thrown at me by God.; I think that my loosey-goosey soul will go to Hell, where the Devil will torment me forever, but it won’t bother me because I roll with the punches. I believe maybe my mother will sometimes think of me and say, “My child is in Heaven,” and my terrible ghost will appear to her in the dark and say, “No. I am in Hell with the Devil, but I don’t care.”

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