1. 1. At the start of a Football game when the heroes first run out onto the field to kill each other, how does the Referee decide which family will get to have the ball first?

    Nope! That’s wrong. At the beginning of the Football game, the two angry families decide for themselves which one of them will get the ball first while the Referee delights the crowd with sword tricks.

    Nope! That’s wrong. At the beginning of the Football game, the two angry families decide for themselves which one of them will get the ball first while the Referee delights the crowd with sword tricks.

    Nope! That’s wrong. At the beginning of the Football game, the two angry families decide for themselves which one of them will get the ball first while the Referee delights the crowd with sword tricks.

    Correct! The two angry families decide for themselves which one of them will get the ball first while the Referee delights the crowd with sword tricks.

  2. 2. During a game of Football, who is the most important hero on the field?


    No! This hero is dwarfed in the shadow of the Uprights, the heaviest hero of Football! When a Football game is unfolding, nothing is more important than the Uprights. They are the golden twins and nothing is stronger than they are. When a Football sails through the Uprights, who can believe it? It is the truest bliss we will ever know. According to the ironclad Laws of Football, there is no greater honor than feeding Footballs into the waiting mouth of the Uprights forever

    This is right! When a Football game is unfolding, nothing is more important than the Uprights. They are the golden twins and nothing is stronger than they are. When a Football sails through the Uprights, who can believe it? It is the truest bliss we will ever know. According to the ironclad Laws of Football, there is no greater honor than feeding Footballs into the waiting mouth of the Uprights forever.

    No! This hero is dwarfed in the shadow of the Uprights, the heaviest hero of Football! When a Football game is unfolding, nothing is more important than the Uprights. They are the golden twins and nothing is stronger than they are. When a Football sails through the Uprights, who can believe it? It is the truest bliss we will ever know. According to the ironclad Laws of Football, there is no greater honor than feeding Footballs into the waiting mouth of the Uprights forever.

    No! This hero is dwarfed in the shadow of the Uprights, the heaviest hero of Football! When a Football game is unfolding, nothing is more important than the Uprights. They are the golden twins and nothing is stronger than they are. When a Football sails through the Uprights, who can believe it? It is the truest bliss we will ever know. According to the ironclad Laws of Football, there is no greater honor than feeding Footballs into the waiting mouth of the Uprights forever.

  3. 3. At midnight every night, when the President goes on live television to announce the scores of all the Football games that were played that day, how must he always begin his address to the nation?


    No! That’s not right. It is very important that you watch your TV at midnight to hear the President announce the scores of Football, or the numbers will be a mystery to you.

    No! That’s not right. It is very important that you watch your TV at midnight to hear the President announce the scores of Football, or the numbers will be a mystery to you.

    No! That’s not right. It is very important that you watch your TV at midnight to hear the President announce the scores of Football, or the numbers will be a mystery to you.

    Yes! Every midnight, the American people turn on the TV to hear the President say this and then announce scores of Football.

  4. 4. What is it called when two Football heroes carry the ball into the end zone together at the same time?

    Correct! This type of play is known as the Warrior’s Handshake, and it’s worth only one point. On her deathbed, the celebrated American poet Maya Angelou famously referred to the Warrior’s Handshake as “The Grand Slam Of Football.”

    Sorry! This type of play is known as the Warrior’s Handshake, and it’s worth only one point. On her deathbed, the celebrated American poet Maya Angelou famously referred to the Warrior’s Handshake as “The Grand Slam Of Football.”

    Sorry! This type of play is known as the Warrior’s Handshake, and it’s worth only one point. On her deathbed, the celebrated American poet Maya Angelou famously referred to the Warrior’s Handshake as “The Grand Slam Of Football.”

    Sorry! This type of play is known as the Warrior’s Handshake, and it’s worth only one point. On her deathbed, the celebrated American poet Maya Angelou famously referred to the Warrior’s Handshake as “The Grand Slam Of Football.”

  5. 5. How many points does a Football family get if their Leg Hero can kick the ball straight through the Uprights?

    Sorry! That’s incorrect. The NFL rulebook clearly stipulates that if a Leg Hero kicks a Football through the Uprights, both teams get 1000 points and there is much rejoicing as the end credits of The Empire Strikes Back play on the Jumbotron at a volume that would shake any huge arena to its foundation.

    Sorry! That’s incorrect. The NFL rulebook clearly stipulates that if a Leg Hero kicks a Football through the Uprights, both teams get 1000 points and there is much rejoicing as the end credits of The Empire Strikes Back play on the Jumbotron at a volume that would shake any huge arena to its foundation.

    That’s right! This is standard procedure for the NFL.

    Sorry! That’s incorrect. The NFL rulebook clearly stipulates that if a Leg Hero kicks a Football through the Uprights, both teams get 1000 points and there is much rejoicing as the end credits of The Empire Strikes Back play on the Jumbotron at a volume that would shake any huge arena to its foundation.

  6. 6. Before each play begins, the angry families will cram themselves into a circle for the Round Meeting, where they hug each other and tell each other secrets. According to the ironclad Laws of Football, which of the following things must occur during a Round Meeting?

    No, that’s wrong! Don’t you understand that every one of these things needs to happen during the Round Meeting? Can’t you know this for once in your life?

    No, that’s wrong! Don’t you understand that every one of these things needs to happen during the Round Meeting? Can’t you know this for once in your life?

    No, that’s wrong! Don’t you understand that every one of these things needs to happen during the Round Meeting? Can’t you know this for once in your life?

    No, that’s wrong! Don’t you understand that every one of these things needs to happen during the Round Meeting? Can’t you know this for once in your life?

    Correct! The ironclad Laws of Football dictate that all of these things must happen during the Round Meeting

  7. 7. When one of the heroes breaks the ironclad Laws of Football, it is called a Sin, and the Referee must ruin the bad hero with penalties. What does the NFL consider to be the gravest Sin in all of Football?

    That’s right! While all of these things are grave Sins forbidden by the ironclad Laws of Football, the worst Sin of all is saying something miserable about the Uprights. Any hero who commits such a heinous Football Sin is shot out of a cannon through the Uprights over and over again until they die of old age.

    Incorrect! While all of these things are grave Sins forbidden by the ironclad Laws of Football, the worst Sin of all is saying something miserable about the Uprights. Any hero who commits such a heinous Football Sin is shot out of a cannon through the Uprights over and over again until they die of old age.

    Incorrect! While all of these things are grave Sins forbidden by the ironclad Laws of Football, the worst Sin of all is saying something miserable about the Uprights. Any hero who commits such a heinous Football Sin is shot out of a cannon through the Uprights over and over again until they die of old age.

    Incorrect! While all of these things are grave Sins forbidden by the ironclad Laws of Football, the worst Sin of all is saying something miserable about the Uprights. Any hero who commits such a heinous Football Sin is shot out of a cannon through the Uprights over and over again until they die of old age.

  • Results for How Well Do You Know The Rules Of Football?

    Football Is A Mystery To You!

    Oh no! You don’t know the ironclad Laws of Football at all! When the two bellowing families face off on the Line Of Struggle and get ready to kill each other, everything that comes to pass is a mystery to you. The patterns that the Football heroes make as they tear each other to pieces float before your vision as indecipherable hieroglyphs of screaming competition. When you watch the game of Football, you turn to the stranger standing next to you and say to him, “What is this noisy riddle unfolding in front of us?” and he will whisper back to you, “I don’t have to explain a goddamn thing to you. I am my own man.” And so when Football comes to pass, you will drown in a sea of fear and confusion as the Uprights stretch unfeelingly toward the sky, merciless and beautiful in their climb toward the heavens.

  • Results for How Well Do You Know The Rules Of Football?

    You Barely Know The Rules Of Football!

    Oh, well this is no good at all! You barely know any of the ironclad Laws of Football. When the beautiful murders of Football are blooming before your eyes, you can barely make sense of it. When someone asks you what happened in a game of Football you just watched, the deepest analysis you can offer is to say, “Truly we live in a world where Football has taken place, and may again take place in the future.” When the Referee blows his tiny trumpet to tell the insane families that it is time to scream and kill each other, you cannot hope to glimpse the noisy choreography guiding the heroes as they tear each other to pieces and kick the Football into the sky. The Football comes to pass without you, and you stare blissfully ahead, forever uncomprehending as the Uprights cast a pitch-black shadow across your benighted face.

  • Results for How Well Do You Know The Rules Of Football?

    You Have A Surface-Level Knowledge Of The Rules Of Football!

    All right, not bad! You’ve got a surface-level knowledge about the ironclad Laws of Football! When the angry families march out into the arena to kill each other, you can keep track of what’s going on in most of the plays, and when a hero commits a Sin, you understand that he needs to be punished and that it is by punishing the heroes who Sin against Football that our fragile nation clings together. When the Football is unfolding in front of you, you smile and nod as it all comes to pass, remembering every now and then to look up and wink at the Uprights.

  • Results for How Well Do You Know The Rules Of Football?

    You Have A Robust And Respectable Knowledge Of The Rules Of Football!

    Nice job! You have a very robust and respectable knowledge regarding the ironclad Laws of Football! You are a true scholar of the game, and you understand the intricate choreography at work behind the mass of furious heroes as they scream and kill each other in the name of noise. When you go to the nation’s huge arenas to watch the Football heroes tear each other to pieces, you bring a big sign that says, “I Know Exactly What Is Going On,” and the Football heroes on the field all see your sign and they cheer for you. And you smile at the furious heroes, and the furious heroes smile at you, and all the smiles are surpassed and subsumed by the enormous right-angled grin of the Uprights, whose lips stretch ecstatically into the sky eternally in a perfect and everlasting golden rictus of bliss.

  • Results for How Well Do You Know The Rules Of Football?

    You Know The Rules Of Football Perfectly!

    Astounding. You know the ironclad Laws of Football perfectly. When the screaming families sprint onto the field to kill each other to the tune of the Referee’s tiny trumpet, there is no movement that you do not discern, no sword trick whose choreography is lost on you, no bellowing hero whose soul you cannot decipher. The furious screaming of Football is a symphony of meaning in your mind, and as the heroes tear each other to pieces, you nod with full comprehension. It cannot be denied. When Football’s heaving piles of competition come rolling toward you, nothing is lost on you and you decode it all and the meaning of the game washes over you and bathes you in understanding and you stretch your arms upward in parallel exultation as the Uprights reach ascendantly toward the heavens and their gleam amplifies the sunlight and the outstretched arms are pressed against the sky to frame eternity.
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