You Are Not New York At All!

Are you fucking kidding me? Were you even born at the Statue of Liberty? You aren’t even a little bit New York. You are zero New York. You probably look at the Chrysler Building and go, “Oh...uh...duh....” You’re pathetic. Come back when you’ve married Times Square and had several children.

You Are Barely New York!

Fuck you! You’re hardly any New York at all. You’ve never been cradled in the arms of the State of Liberty while she weeps and whispers gross secrets to you. You’ve never sipped a thermos full of hot dog water while Mayor Bill de Blasio looks on and smiles with tears in his eyes. People like you are the reason why Madison Square Garden stopped growing larger and larger every day. Get out of here. Fuggedaboudit!

You Are Very New York!

Holy Christ, you are one of the most New York people to be born! You are constantly coughing up the toxic water of the East River, and you love Broadway! When you see Bill de Blasio, the gorgeous mayor, you want nothing more than to take him to your New York City apartment and brush his hair. You know where the Lincoln Center is, because that’s where you were stabbed to death. Your body makes all the smells of New York! Congratulations!

You Are MAXIMUM NEW YORK!

Oh, my God! You are Maximum New York! You are in love with the Statue of Liberty, and she visits you in jail! You know all the subways, and you’ve drowned in all the rivers. You’ve drowned in the East River; you’ve drowned in the Hudson River; you’ve drowned in Long Island Sound. You constantly scream “Fuggedaboudit” and “Hey! I’m walkin’ here!” to New York’s trendiest restaurants. Sometimes you scream them at the same time! When you die, they will bury you in Central Park, and a new Lincoln Center will grow from your bones! Beautiful!