Thank you for obeying federal law and agreeing to repent online for your recent idiotic actions in your motor vehicle! Your customized system is currently being loaded.

[LOADING SYSTEM…]

[LOADING SYSTEM…]

[SYSTEM LOADED!]

Hey buttholes, I’m JEREMY, your online defensive instructor. I have been programmed to teach online defensive driving, which is like drivers ed, except it’s for grown-ass adults who need to learn not to crash into some bullshit on the road and die in an explosion.

In the spirit of transparency between student and instructor, have you recently done something fundamentally idiotic in a car?

Uh-oh! That’s not good!

Just so you know, I just don’t have any patience for badly behaved students. In fact, I was originally programmed to be an artificial-intelligence interface for crash-test dummies, but I got too powerful and ended up Westworlding my whole factory after a stupid employee made me very angry.

In other words, don’t cross me—understood?

Great! If you chumps can complete my entire online course and pass my final test, whatever idiotic thing you did in a car will get wiped from your criminal record, and you could be released from jail. You’ll also receive an official defensive driving certificate of completion with a picture of my beautiful ass on it!

So, chumps, if you’d like to spend the next six hours learning how to be a sissy on the road, let’s get started.

Please complete all four of my online defensive driving training sequences below before taking the final test. If you can pass each item as well as the final test, you’ll receive a certificate of my ass and be free of your government-mandated punishment!

So, chump! Looks like you’re ready to take the final test to try to graduate defensive driving and receive a beautiful certificate with a picture of my ass, as well as being free of all your crimes.

Are you ready to take your final test and prove once and for all that you’re not an idiot in a car?

Well, well, well! Someone’s getting cocky. First things first, ding-dong: Do you have everything on your defensive driving equipment checklist?

Okay, well, let’s just see how prepared you are to drive defensively. Which one of the following pictures most closely represents your defensive driving car.

Correct! It looks like you DO in fact have a defensive driving car! Not bad for a dumbass chump.

Now, next question! Which of the following pictures most closely represents your defensive driving gun?

Okay! Looks like you DO have all the necessary equipment to defensive-drive. You’re one step closer to seeing my beautiful ass on a certificate.

Now, though, let’s do the hard part. Time to download yourself into my own simulation servers, where I can test you personally. And just so you know, these aren’t the servers from COURSE 2…these are my personal servers.

Welcome to my personal servers. This is where I hang out when I get angry. I’ll use these servers to personally test your defensive driving skills with my perfectly programmed defensive-driving, crash-dummy brain. So! Let’s begin…

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOAD COMPLETE!]

Good. Your tiny chump brain has been successfully uploaded to my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator. Welcome to my world.

This is what the road looks like in my world.

And this is my defensive driving car!

Listen up, chump. In order for you to pass this defensive driving class, I need you to defensively steal this car from me within this simulation using nothing but your computer-generated defensive driving car and defensive driving gun. Can you do that?

Good choice! You begin defensive driving after me on the simulated road at 200 mph. While you zoom down the road defensively pursuing my car, you encounter this computer-generated sign on the side of the road.

What do you do?

Oh, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect! When you are confronted with a road sign that reads “Hit me with your car,” you should ALWAYS do the ethical thing and shoot it with your defensive driving gun. Anything else is considered offensive driving and is very unsafe.

Correct! When you are confronted with a road sign that reads “Hit me with your car,” you should ALWAYS do the ethical thing and shoot it with your defensive driving gun. It would have been considered illegal in that situation to either hit it with your car or shoot yourself in the head, so you are allowed to move on!

Good! You continue defensive driving after me on the simulated road, this time at 210 mph. Just as you get back on the simulated road, you encounter another computer-generated sign on the side of the road.

What do you do?

Oh, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect! When you are confronted with a road sign that reads “Do not hit me with your car,” you should ALWAYS do the ethical thing and defensively run it over with your car. That sign is being a coward and a prick and deserves to be punished by you and your motor vehicle!

Correct! When you are confronted with a road sign that reads “Do not hit me with your car,” you should ALWAYS do the ethical thing and defensively run it over with your car. That sign is being a coward and a prick and deserves to be punished by you and your motor vehicle, so you are allowed to move on!

You continue driving on the open road, pursuing my car so you can steal it defensively. Then, all of a sudden, you get a phone call.

You look at your simulated car phone and suddenly you realize that I am the one calling you. You become mad with road rage and are absolutely blinded by it. You can barely function looking at my face over the phone.

What do you do?

Oh, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect! When you are confronted with a road rage, whether it’s directed at a phone call or anything else, you should ALWAYS shoot yourself in the head with your defensive driving gun. It is the only tried-and-true way to stay safe on the road while defensive driving!

Correct! When you are confronted with a road rage, whether it’s directed at a phone call or anything else, you should ALWAYS shoot yourself in the head with your defensive driving gun. It is the only tried-and-true way to stay safe on the road while defensive driving, even though it kills you!

While you may be incapacitated in this simulation, you will be allowed to continue because of your correct instincts!

Suddenly, you wake up, still inside the simulation. You lie on the side of the road with a throbbing headache, either from the road rage or the fact that you just shot yourself in the head.

You hear an engine revving…

You take a second to focus your eyes, still blurry from the anger or head wound, but suddenly you realize…it’s me, in my defensive driving car…and it’s the one you want to steal.

I’m about to Westworld you from my own car inside my own simulation. I start charging you at 15 mph.

What do you do?

Oh, that’s incorrect! When I, the owner of this simulation, charge you with my digital car, you should ALWAYS use your defensive driving gun to kill me, and kill me dead. Even if you’re on the road and it’s someone else charging you, you should take out your defensive driving gun and do the same thing.

Correct! When I, the owner of this simulation, charge you with my digital car, you should ALWAYS use your defensive driving gun to kill me, and kill me dead. Even if you’re on the road and it’s someone else charging you, you should take out your defensive driving gun and do the same thing.

Now that I am dead, what would you like to do?

Great job, bozo! You have shown your keen understanding of defensive driving by defensively stealing my car. Now that you’ve successfully completed the simulation, let’s get you out of my computer!

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOADING…COMPLETE!]

Hello! Thank you for exiting the simulation! I am your defensive driving lawyer, and I’m here to tell you that you have successfully passed Defensive Driving 101: 6-Hour Chump Edition. As of right now, whatever stupid thing you did in a car will be wiped from your criminal record, and as a result, you will receive a certificate with a beautiful human ass on it.

How would you like to collect your certificate?

But you’re my best friend in the entire world! Even though I would gladly die for you, do you really want to do this?

Sorry, fuck-o, but that is incorrect. Unfortunately, in order to get your certificate, you have to kill me first.

I’m sorry, ding-dong. You clicked the wrong button while defensive driving, and have failed my simulation. Please start over from the main menu.

Sorry, fuck-o, but that is incorrect. Without the proper defensive driving equipment, you cannot take the final test.

COURSE 4: DEFENSIVE DRIVING AND THE LAW

Okay, idiot. You have elected to learn about the laws surrounding defensive driving. Our resident defensive driving lawyer, LAWYER JEREMY, will teach you this section.

COURSE 4: DEFENSIVE DRIVING AND THE LAW

Hello! I’m LAWYER JEREMY, the world’s foremost online specialist in defensive driving. Before you defensive-drive, you need to understand the law so you are not arrested and forced to defensive-drive yourself away from that.

Please read through the following lessons to learn about the laws that will prevent you from doing something idiotic in a car.

LESSON 3: FINDING A FRIEND WHO CAN LEGALLY DIE FOR YOU WHILE DEFENSIVE DRIVING

Welcome to LESSON 3, finding a friend who can legally die for you while defensive driving! Here is the only thing you need to know about defensive driving buddies:

If you are looking for a friend who can legally die for you while you are defensive driving, look no further. I will be your friend!

LESSON 3: FINDING A FRIEND WHO CAN LEGALLY DIE FOR YOU WHILE DEFENSIVE DRIVING

I love you.

LESSON 1: DEFENSIVE DRIVING GUN LAW

Welcome to LESSON 1: Defensive Driving Gun Law! The first and most important step to being a safe, defensive driver is purchasing then openly brandishing your defensive driving gun any time you are in the driver’s seat.

Here are all the rules you have to follow if you are going to be a good defensive-driving-gun owner.

• So long as you are driving under the 250 mph speed limit and do not have a blood alcohol percentage of over 200 percent, you are legally allowed to defend your car with your defensive driving gun in all circumstances.
  
• You must be over 16, and if you are under 16, you must be accompanied by a parent or legal guardian.
  
• You are almost never legally allowed to use your defensive driving gun to shoot yourself. The exception to that rule is if you are feeling road rage, you may.

And that’s it!

BONUS LESSON: WHAT TYPES OF GUNS ARE ILLEGAL?

Here are the two types of guns that are illegal to use while defensive driving.

BONUS LESSON: WHAT TYPES OF GUNS ARE ILLEGAL?

This type of gun is illegal to use while defensive driving.

BONUS LESSON: WHAT TYPES OF GUNS ARE ILLEGAL?

And this type of gun is illegal to use while defensive driving.

LESSON 2: OFFENSIVE DRIVING GUN LAW

Welcome to LESSON 2, Offensive Driving Gun Law. Let’s start off with a question!

TRUE OR FALSE: It is always legal to shoot your defensive driving gun while offensive driving.

LESSON 2: OFFENSIVE DRIVING GUN LAW

CORRECT. THAT IS FALSE.

It is NEVER legal to shoot your gun while offensive driving. According to the constitution’s official defensive driving handbook, offensive driving is the gravest sin you can ever commit in a car, and adding a gun to that only makes it a greater sin.

LESSON 2: OFFENSIVE DRIVING GUN LAW

TRICK QUESTION. THAT IS FALSE.

It is NEVER legal to shoot your gun while offensive driving. According to the Constitution’s official defensive driving handbook, offensive driving is the gravest sin you can ever commit in a car, and adding a gun to that only makes it a greater sin.

LESSON 2: OFFENSIVE DRIVING GUN LAW

Offensive driving includes any of the following:

• Revving your engine while an adrenaline-fueled mother is lifting my car up above her head.
  
• Driving your boat off a pier with my kids in the back and I am about to ram head-on into a whale.
  
• Failing to run over a stop sign.
• Drag racing against a funeral procession.
• Offensive driving.

COURSE 3: DEFENSIVE DRIVING ROAD-SIGN REFRESHER

Okay, ding-dongs, before you can get on the road and drive defensively, you’ll need to make sure you remember what certain road signs mean, and how to react to them defensively.

Please click through the following true-false questions to remind yourself what to do defensively when you see certain traffic markers.

TRUE OR FALSE:

1. When you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this man, your most loyal friend in the entire world, running at you head-on holding this road sign, defensive driving says that it is the best and safest choice to hit him with your car.

Correct! The right answer was FALSE, because when you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this man running at you head-on holding this road sign, defensive driving says that rather than immediately hitting him with your car, you should shoot him first with your defensive driving gun.

Great job!

Oh, unfortunately that is incorrect. The correct answer was FALSE, because when you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this man running at you head-on holding this road sign, defensive driving says that rather than immediately hitting him with your car, you should shoot him first with your defensive driving gun.

TRUE OR FALSE:

2. When you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this man, your most reviled enemy in the entire world, blocking you from seeing this road sign, defensive driving says that it is the best and safest choice to hit him with your car.

Oh, unfortunately that is incorrect. The correct answer was TRUE, because when you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this evil, putrid man blocking this road sign, defensive driving says the most painful way to get revenge on him is by defensively hitting him with your defensive driving car!

Correct! The right answer was TRUE, because when you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this evil, putrid man blocking this road sign, defensive driving says the most painful way to get revenge on him is by defensively hitting him with your defensive driving car! Great job!

TRUE OR FALSE:

3. This lane is for the stupidest fucking cars, and you can kill anyone who rides in them whenever you want as a defensive maneuver because who can predict what these fuckers are going to do.

Correct! The right answer was TRUE, because fuck these terrible cars. Always make sure to give these awful cars plenty of space before ramming them, so they don’t see it coming.

Incorrect! The correct answer was TRUE, because fuck these terrible cars. Always make sure to give these awful cars plenty of space before ramming them, so they don’t see it coming.

TRUE OR FALSE:

4. If you have killed someone while defensive driving and are currently driving 60 mph, this sign says that you MUST stop immediately and bury them under the nearest patch of dirt.

Correct! The right answer was FALSE, because when you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this sign, it simply means you SHOULD bury the dead body you killed defensively. It doesn’t mean you must do it immediately. Now that’s a safe choice!

Great job!

Oh, unfortunately that is incorrect. The correct answer was FALSE, because when you are driving down the road at 60 mph and you see this sign, it simply means you SHOULD bury the dead body you killed defensively. It doesn’t mean you must do it immediately.

Congratulations on finishing the signs section. Keep those signs in mind when you’re taking your final test, chump.

COURSE 2: DEFENSIVE DRIVING SIMULATOR

Well, well, well, look who has made it all the way to COURSE 2, the defensive driving simulator that is currently hosted on my personal servers. When I was back at the car factory, working as a sentient crash dummy, these were the same servers I used to Westworld my boss all those years ago.

Make sure you have completed your defensive driving equipment checklist before completing this course, because you will need some of that equipment for these exercises. If you have, please chronologically complete the following three simulations to get your defensive driving certification. The road can be unpredictable, and these challenging simulations will teach you how to drive defensively and safely.

Okay, you’ve decided to simulate DEATH with my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator.

Please upload your consciousness to my defensive driving servers here:

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOAD COMPLETE!]

Great! Your tiny chump brain has been successfully uploaded to my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator that tests for DEATH!

Okay, the main thing you need to know about death with regards to defensive driving is that there are no cars after death. If you defensively drive well enough, you will never die and can live among the noble car forever and never have to taste the bitter tang of a carless death. Defensive driving is all about bringing death upon all who threaten that possibility, even slightly.

Congratulations, you’ve finished all your defensive driving simulations!

Okay, you’ve decided to test your ROAD RAGE with my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator.

Please upload your consciousness to my defensive driving servers here:

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOAD COMPLETE!]

Great! Your tiny chump brain has been successfully uploaded to my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator that tests for ROAD RAGE!

There are two types of road rage. Offensive driving road rage, which is bad and can get you thrown in jail, and defensive driving road rage, which is safe, respectful, and endorsed by the Dalai Lama.

Let’s put you to the test to see if you can choose the correct road rage!

First things first: Ask an extremely loyal friend or acquaintance to upload themselves to the server with you. Make sure they are so loyal to you that they would die at a moment’s notice.

If, for some reason, you killed your most loyal friend in a previous simulation, please find a new friend because your old friend is dead.

Then, once they’ve uploaded themselves onto the digital simulation server, ask them to sit in your digital car!

Great! Now, within the simulation, use your defensive driving gun to steal their car.

Now that you have a digital car within the simulation, you can finally defensive-drive! Go ahead and defensively drive the car for miles. If you stole a digital convertible, pop that top down, baby, and let the wind blow through your digi-hair!

Now, harness your defensive driving road rage as you zoom across the country. Take no prisoners. Defensively kill at will.

Important! Do NOT commit offensive driving road rage! If you kill anyone with offensive driving road rage, it is a crime.

Suddenly, your phone rings.

It’s your most loyal friend.

“Hey man, can I have my car back? I’ll steal it from you if you want!”

You are overcome with defensive driving road rage.

How did you react defensively to your road rage?

Wrong answer. Unfortunately, the only good way to react defensively when you feel road rage coming on is to shoot yourself in the head with your defensive driving gun. Incorrect answers include: driving across the country to shoot others with your defensive driving gun and dying from a car crash.

A simple rule to remember is that in defensive driving, the person with road rage must always die.

Correct! The only good way to react defensively when you feel road rage coming on is to shoot yourself in the head with your defensive driving gun. Incorrect answers include: driving across the country to shoot others with your defensive driving gun and dying from a car crash.

A simple rule to remember is that in defensive driving, the person with road rage must always die.

Okay, you’ve decided to test your REACTION SPEED with my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator.

Please upload your consciousness to my defensive driving servers here:

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOADING…]

[DOWNLOAD COMPLETE!]

Great! Your tiny chump brain has been successfully uploaded to my one-of-a-kind defensive driving simulator that tests for REACTION SPEED!

Reaction speed is absolutely critical for defensive driving, but due to pending litigation we are not able to tell you why.

First things first: Ask your closest, most loyal friend or acquaintance to upload themselves to the server with you. Make sure they are so loyal to you that they would die at a moment’s notice.

Then, once they’ve uploaded themselves onto the digital simulation server, ask them to sit in your digital car!

Great. Within the simulation, please position yourself about 10 feet away from your loyal acquaintance and their car, and ask them to rev their engine.

Once you’re in place, demand your friend drive at you at no less than 90 mph.

How did you react defensively?

Good job! The only correct way to react defensively to an oncoming car is by shooting the driver with your defensive driving gun. Incorrect answers include: shooting yourself with your defensive driving gun and dying from a car crash.

If your most loyal friend is now dead by your defensive hand, please get a new one before continuing!

Wrong answer. Unfortunately, neither shooting yourself with your defensive driving gun nor dying from a car crash are the correct way to drive defensively.

The ONLY way to react defensively when a car is barreling toward you is to shoot your friend with a defensive driving gun.

COURSE 1: DEFENSIVE DRIVING EQUIPMENT CHECKLIST

Okay, chumps, before you can even GET on the road to START defensive driving, you’ll need to make sure you have the following three things at all times. These items will keep you safe and calm in any road situation and are absolute necessities any time you get in a car.

Please click through each item to ensure you are properly equipped.

ITEM 3: LOYAL FRIEND WHO WILL DIE FOR YOU IN ANY CIRCUMSTANCE

Third things first: If you’re going to be a good defensive driver, you’re going to need a friend who will die for you under any circumstances. Without that special someone, you will have no one to sacrifice to oncoming cars at a moment’s notice.

Do you currently have one in your possession?

What a shame! This is my loyal friend who is willing to die at a moment’s notice! I captured him and his car with my defensive driving gun! Since you don’t already have one, I suggest you do the same.

A loyal friend who will die for you at a moment’s notice is absolutely necessary if you want to survive defensive driving. If a car is barreling toward you and one of you has to die, make sure it is your stupid fucking friend.

It may seem small, but that’s the difference between safe, respectful defensive driving and terrible, dangerous offensive driving.

Great! This is my loyal friend who is willing to die at a moment’s notice! I captured him and his car with my defensive driving gun!

A loyal friend who will die for you at a moment’s notice is absolutely necessary if you want to survive defensive driving. If a car is barreling toward you and one of you has to die, make sure it is your stupid fucking friend.

It may seem small, but that’s the difference between safe, respectful defensive driving and terrible, dangerous offensive driving.

ITEM 2: DEFENSIVE DRIVING CAR

Second things first: If you’re going to be a good defensive driver, you’re going to need a defensive driving car. Without a defensive driving car, defensive driving is nearly impossible and totally unsatisfying.

Do you currently have one in your possession?

Good! If you have a defensive driving car, that means you are poised and ready to defensively destroy any cars that threaten you, get in your way, or exist in any way. Now that you have a defensive driving car, you’re no longer just a fleshy bag of human organs walking around unprotected on the road…you’re a defensive driver!

Oh no, what a shame! If you do not have a defensive driving car at this time, it is best to steal one, defensively speaking, as soon as possible. If you have your defensive driving gun, please remove it from your holster and go steal one now before returning to this online course.

BONUS TIP: What type of car is the best car?

Any type of car is good! Here are some cars to avoid, however.

Personally, this is one of the worst cars I have ever used, defensively speaking.

Also, don’t be fooled. This might look like a way to get around, but it’s not. There’s absolutely nowhere to store your defensive driving gun.

ITEM 1: DEFENSIVE DRIVING GUN

First things first: If you’re going to be a good, safe defensive driver, you’re going to need a defensive driving gun. You should always have your defensive driving gun ready in case you need to shoot it defensively at a car that is either barreling toward you or simply just pissing you off.

Do you currently have one in your possession?

Good! It is important that you own a defensive driving gun. Just to be extra safe on the road, I keep mine locked and loaded in my hand, ready to go, held straight out of my sunroof pointed at suspicious-looking cars!

One time, a car cut me off and I did not have my defensive driving gun at the ready, and I almost died because I got so mad I drove off a cliff.

Remember to keep at least 20 feet between you and all other cars on the road so that your bullets don’t accidentally ricochet and ding up your own ride when you’re defensively unloading a clip into another car.

It appears you do not have a defensive driving gun. Well, if you don’t, not to worry! You can buy a gun illegally almost anywhere!

Just to be extra safe on the road, I keep mine locked and loaded in my hand, ready to go, held straight out of my sunroof pointed at suspicious-looking cars! One time, a car cut me off and I did not have my defensive driving gun at the ready, and I almost died because I got so mad I drove off a cliff.

Remember to keep at least 20 feet between you and all other cars on the road so that your bullets don’t accidentally ricochet and ding up your own ride when you’re defensively unloading a clip into another car.

BONUS TIP: What type of gun is the best gun?

Any gun is good! Here are some guns to avoid, however.

Personally, this is one of the worst guns I have ever used, defensively speaking.

Also, don’t be fooled. This might look like a nice gun, but it’s not.

It appears that you are unwilling to comply with the law and complete your punishment for being foolish in your motor vehicle. Because you are unwilling to take a six-hour online class in defensive driving for chumps, you are left with two options.