Come on! Don’t be like that. If you don’t wake up and make your mom feel like shit, who will? Now, if you were trapped in your mom’s body this morning for some reason, waking up might be a bit harder, but that’s an impossible thing that could never happen, so get to it!

Whoa! That’s weird! Hold up a second. Your eyes hurt really badly. Something just feels off about your body—you feel disgusting, like you’ve lived too many years in your bad, awful skin…

Not to worry, though! You probably feel off because of all the fighting you did last night, and not because you unknowingly switched bodies with your mom earlier this morning. Just a few hours ago, you called her a bitch so loudly that the mayor came to your house to shake your hand! It may have been the biggest argument you’ve ever had.

“Wait a minute,” you think, looking at your arm, which also looks different. “Where did my tattoo go? Every morning I wake up and kiss the ‘my mom is a bitch’ tattoo, which covers my strong, young forearm. But I don’t see it…”

“Wait a minute,” you think, looking at your arm, which also looks different. “Where did my tattoo go? Every morning I wake up and kiss the ‘my mom is a bitch’ tattoo, which covers my strong, young forearm. But I don’t see it…”

Okay! Your organs do feel particularly odd today, so it wouldn’t hurt to just look down and check yourself out, right?

“That’s weird,” you think, looking at your stomach, which looks different for some reason. “Why isn’t my stomach flat as hell? And why do I suddenly have a C-section scar that spells out the words ‘there was a baby in me’?”

“Wait a minute,” you think, looking at your stomach, which also looks different. “Since when have I had a C-section scar that spells out the words ‘there was a baby in me’?”

Okay! You look up and get ready to get out of bed and verbally assault your mom, who is a bitch. Suddenly, though, you don’t recognize the room.

“That’s weird,” you think, looking around the room, which looks different, for some reason. “Where did that roast pig come from? The only roast pig in the house should be in my mom’s room, which I put there as a threat last night for when she woke up…”

“Huh…” you think, looking around the room. “Where did that roast pig come from? The only roast pig in the house should be in my mom’s room, which I put there as a threat last night for when she woke up…”

You look in the mirror, and the minute you do, you know exactly what happened last night while you were sleeping…

“OH FUCK, I’M SO FUCKING HOT,” you think, staring at your face. “SOMEHOW I SWITCHED BODIES WITH MY HOT-AS-HELL BITCH OF A MOM, AND I’VE BEEN IN HER PERFECT BODY SINCE I WOKE UP. OF COURSE, THIS MORNING OF ALL MORNINGS, I WOKE UP WITH MY MOM’S WILDLY SEXUAL FIGURE. FUCK.”

“DAUGHTER, IS THAT YOU?” screams your mom as she bursts in the door, stuck in your body. “I’VE GOT A PROBLEM—I’M STUCK IN YOUR BODY AND I’M SO FUCKING HOT RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE OF OUR BODY SWITCH, I’M HOTTER THAN I’VE EVER BEEN BEFORE. WHAT COULD HAVE CAUSED THIS?”

“That makes a lot of sense, actually,” your mom says. “Look, it doesn’t matter how we got this hot. All that matters is that we learn a little something about each other before midnight. Otherwise, we might be stuck being this hot forever.”

It’s time to try to learn something about your bitch mom, in your bitch mom’s body. If you don’t learn something about her before midnight, you might get stuck like this. Where should you begin?

Ugh. Your mom is fucking lame and she’s not exactly helping you switch back with her. How are you supposed to learn something about someone who is such a bitch?

Whatever. What should you do now?

Well, Dad didn’t want to smooch. Lame. Maybe he’s dumber than you thought, just like your shitty excuse for a mom. What should you do now?

Well, your dad still sucks, somehow even more than before. Whatever, fuck him. What are you going to do to switch back with your mom?

Okay! Well, that was fun while it lasted, but it couldn’t have lasted forever. You decide to switch back to your bitchy mom’s body, and end up back in your bedroom. The clock is ticking, though. Time to choose your next option!

Ugh, you’re back home. Sucks that you went back home because now your mom won’t stop talking about how she was right and you were wrong about the lobotomy. How could you have known that the lobotomy wasn’t going to work out? Worst. Mom. Ever.

What should you do now? Do it fast so you’re not stuck in this stupid body forever.

You grab your mom and rush to the hospital as fast as you can. She wants to go to school in your body instead, but honestly, she’s a fucking idiot. Ugh, she’s so annoying. Why do you have to do everything in this family?

Anyways, you know how bad the emergency room can be, so on the way there, you come up with a plan of what to tell the nurse once you get inside.

Okay! You tell the nurse that you have switched bodies with your mother (the bitch), and you beg for a lobotomy right now so you can fix the problem. It’s better than your mom’s plan any day.

“I understand,” says the nurse. “Unfortunately, people have been switching bodies all over town, and our neurosurgeon is swamped at the moment. If you want to get a lobotomy today, you’re going to have to wait just like everyone else.”

You wait an hour. Your mom keeps being an asshole, and saying nothing. Your mom’s sexual body feels worse with every second.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, I’m not a nurse,” says the nurse. “I was this hospital’s neurosurgeon when you first came in here, but I must have switched bodies with that nurse somewhere along the line. I hope she’s got a good handle on the lobotomy I was supposed to perform.”

Looks like you can’t get a lobotomy with your mom today. She’s probably so happy she’s right. Smug bitch. Ugh, what would you like to do now?

“Go eat some food,” the neurosurgeon trapped in the nurse’s body says.

“Let’s get you some food—stat.”

“Here you go. Eat as much of this as you want,” says the nurse. “It really is a real shame about this one. When she was still alive, this pig switched places with her owner. When we tried to do the lobotomy, though, we could only save one of them.”

Fuuuuuuuck.

You go find your dad. Your dad is nothing like your stupid, bitchy mom. He’s cool, and a man. It sucks that you had to switch bodies with your mom instead of your awesome dad. Goddamn.

“Hey, get out of here,” your dad says. “I don’t wanna smooch you.”

“Do I have to give you a smooch?”

“Then no.”

LAME.

“Okay then.”

Hell yeah.

And it’s done! You switched bodies with your dad, and your dad is fucking cool. Now you’re not some bitchy teen, or some dumbass mom, but a rad-as-hell man. No more of this switching–bodies–with–your–lame-o–mom bullshit—the world is yours now!

Great choice! You choose to stay in your father’s body, and embark on your life as a middle-aged white male! This is already much better than your old body, to be sure. You open your door, and suddenly, thousands of people start to cheer.

“Hi, honey. What are you doing outside the house? Also I’m in our daughter’s body today,” says your mom. Then, without you saying a word, her mother’s intuition kicks in:

“Oh my God, you’re not my husband—is that my daughter in there? Is your father in my body right now? Switch back with me this instant.”

Bitch, there’s no way that’s happening. She can’t control you anymore, now that you’re not in your kid body. Go be someone else’s mom.

Suddenly, the leader of the crowd outside your house approaches you. This leader is hot, and maybe even cooler than your dad.

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you. I’m the mayor of this town,” says the mayor, standing on your doorstep. “I noticed you were leaving your house, and I was wondering if I could ask you if you would like to switch bodies with me?”

“Well, that’s a shame,” says the mayor. “I thought you were going to have a great time being me, the mayor, but I guess all you want out of life is to be a dad.”

What a dick. I guess he isn’t cool after all. He’s just like your mom. Asshole.

Oh hell yes, that’s a great choice. Way to upgrade bodies from your dad. Your dad was cool—there’s no questioning that—but this guy? He’s the mayor. You get to rule a town, and be sexy as hell while doing it. Just look at your office, for God’s sake!

“Hello, mayor?” says your mom. “Oh my God, you’re not my mayor—is that my daughter in there? Are you telling me there’s a corrupt politician running around in your father’s body right now? Switch back with me this instant.”

Fuck off! If she wanted to control your every move, maybe she shouldn’t have switched bodies with you in the first place. You’re not switching back! Not now, not ever.

Suddenly, a criminal enters your office, the office of the mayor! He looks so cool and confident. A little young, you think, but still way better than your mom.

“Hello, I’m a criminal who lives in your town, and I’ve come to you to ask a favor, Mr. Mayor,” says the criminal. “I was wondering if you could do a huge favor for my family, something that would help us all a great deal. Would you, the mayor, switch bodies with me?”

“That makes sense, but it’s sad you didn’t want to help me,” says the criminal. “Looks like you didn’t learn much at all about your mother, and you’ll just have to live a lavish life as a government official forever.”

Asshole. If you don’t have anything to say, don’t say anything. Guess he wasn’t better than your mom after all.

Oh yes, this body switch just feels right. Somehow, when you switched bodies with the criminal, you felt even stronger, more agile, more… motivated. Hopefully the criminal is having just as much fun in the mayor’s body as you did while you were there!

Here is your jail cell, where you live. Thankfully it’s miles away from your bitch of a mom.

You start to explore jail, then all of a sudden, your dumbass mom walks past your cell, still in your original body. Does she ever give you any privacy? Jesus, woman, get a fucking life.

“Hey, it’s me, your mom, in jail. So glad I found you here,” says your mom, being a bitch. “What did you get arrested for? Anyways, now seems like as good a time as ever to switch back, if you’re interested in getting back into your original body! Would you want to do that?”

She looks pissed. Why is she always mad at you? Just because you didn’t want to switch back with her doesn’t mean she has to be a bitch. Jesus.

“That makes sense, but it’s sad we didn’t make the final switch back,” says your mom in your body. “Looks like you didn’t learn much about me at all. For instance, I bet you didn’t know that I’ve always wanted to live in the body of the criminal you’re inhabiting now.”

Whoa. For once in her life, your mom looks happy. Looks like you finally broke the ice witch! Dang.

“Hell yeah!” says your mom. “I always knew we’d switch back, and that jail would be the place to find you after you went missing. I feel like we finally understand each other!”

You hear screams outside the jail. Hopefully switching the body of the criminal into the mayor’s body isn’t related to the reason why you keep hearing people yell “Fire!”

Whatever! Your mom’s not picking up, but everything is probably fine. She’s a bitch, anyways.

You go find your dad again.

“I already told you, I don’t want to smooch you,” your dad says. “Listen to me, woman.”

Well, that didn’t work out very well. The cops took you back home, and your mom is still at school, probably ruining your life. Plus time is running out…

What should you do now?

“That’s a good idea, but I think we should do something else,” says your mom. “You can’t go to work until you drop me off at school.”

Bitch. What a fucking know-it-all.

You decide to drop your mom off at school. The minute you get there, she won’t stop talking about how smart she is, and how school is for dumbasses. Well, if she thinks it’s so easy being you, maybe she should try going through life as a living, breathing hormone monster? Bitch.

You’re back at school. Time to make sure your mom doesn’t embarrass you, like the bitch she is.

You turn the car around and start to go to work. Suddenly, you’re stopped by a policeman. He’s bad, but not as bad as your mom.

“Hey, you look nervous,” says the cop. “You look like you might have switched bodies with your mom, meaning that you’re an unlicensed driver in a licensed driver’s body. How did you drive here today?”

“Trick question—both are illegal,” says the cop, taking you out of your mom’s car. “That’s it. I’m taking you back home so your mother who is trapped in your young teenage body can embarrass you, and maybe start to teach you a thing or two.”

Ugh. Why is everyone in this town such an asshole? College is going to be so fun, when you can finally just move away from all of this.

Suddenly, someone approaches your car. And holy shit—it’s the only person in the world that you don’t think is an asshole.

“Hey there, shy girl in my class and her mom. What’s up?” says your crush, looking absolutely delicious. “I look delicious today, don’t you think?”

Ugh, does she have to do everything? Why doesn’t your bitch mom trust you to talk to your own goddamn crush?

“Okay, this is fucking stupid,” you mom says to you, but in a way that everyone nearby can hear. “You like this boy?”

She turns to talk to your crush. “Hey, you—delicious boy. I’m going to go teach you how to kiss so that, by the time my kid who is currently in my body gets to you, you’ll be good as hell.”

“Hey, don’t try to talk to me, old lady. I’m about to make out,” says your crush. “Maybe you should go to work and have a bad day, because I heard working sucks.”

Seriously? What is the deal with this bitch? First she steals your man, then she makes you go to work at her job? This SUCKS. You better learn something about your mom at work, or else this will officially be the worst day ever.

The police show up and go straight for your mom. Maybe cops aren’t as bad as you thought, after all? They’re sure as hell better than your dumbass family.

“We got a call that there were two kids kissing?” say the cops, coming up to your car. “If that’s true, you can’t be here. If you watch two kids kissing and you’re over 18, you either have to register as a sex offender or go to work at your office.”

Fuck. Well, that didn’t work. Looks like you’ll have to leave your bitch of a mom behind at school to teach everyone to make out. Man, this blows.

You leave your nightmare parent behind and drive to your mom’s high-powered job, where maybe, just maybe, you can learn a little something about her before it’s too late.

You walk into your mom’s high-powered job and meet your mom’s high-powered boss. Who knows why he ever hired her in the first place? Maybe he likes working with bitchy people? Nothing makes sense anymore. Ugh.

“Hello, welcome to work! You’re late and I’m already angry,” says your mom’s boss, Trevor. “Are you ready to give your career-defining presentation to the board? I hope you came prepared, because if not, I’m going to fire you.”

Huh. You go back to your boss. Unfortunately, your mom is starting to seem pretty cool… but not that cool. Not cool enough where you couldn’t do a little damage to her along the way. What do you want to do now?

“Incredible. Thank you for agreeing to do your job, and possibly, in the process, get your sorry ass fired,” says your boss. “Today you must give a presentation about how much your life sucks. You have to give it to the board of trustees, and you have to convince them that your life totally, 100 percent blows. Do you think you can handle that?”

Wow, your mom’s job seems totally impossible. No wonder you hate her so much! Honestly, how could you not hate someone who works that hard? Looks like it’s time to step it up… for her.

“Sorry, honey, I’m still making out with every boy at your school, so I can’t help you with the presentation,” says your mom. “But look, if you really want to know why I hate my life, you’ll have to look inside yourself.”

You agree to give your mom’s presentation, and step slowly in front of the board of trustees. Right now, in front of these old white men, you’re the most nervous you’ve ever been in your whole life. All you want to do is vomit your mom’s stomach right out of her body. See, your mom’s life sucks so much, and you want everyone who works at her company to know that. You just want to make her proud!

You take a deep breath, and begin to speak…

“Hello, board of trustees, it is such an honor to speak with you today,” you say, quietly. “It’s easy to say my mom’s life—er, I mean my life—sucks, but not many people can tell you why.”

They clear their throats.

“My life as a working mom probably sucks because of many things, first of which being my job,” you say, desperately trying to get into your mom’s head. “This job seems to take too much time away from my life and makes me a bitch. Being a bitch all the time is no fun, and it makes my daughter hate me. I would say that if I didn’t have this stupid job, my life would probably suck a lot less.”

“Another thing that makes my life suck is my husband, probably. I’ve been married to my husband for many years, but I think I’ve hated him through all of them,” you say, thinking back on your mom’s life. “My daughter thinks he’s fucking cool, but I don’t! Some of you might not know this, but not liking your husband seems to stress me out, which makes me a crazy bitch.”

The room is silent. You take a deep breath. It’s time for your big finish.

“And lastly, the thing that makes me hate my life most of all, more than my husband, more than my job, is… my daughter,” you say slowly, staring at your reflection in the boardroom table. “If you think I’m a bitch, then well, you haven’t met my daughter. She makes my life so bad that I’m not just a bitch, I’m an unhappy bitch. And I don’t deserve that. No one does.”

The board of trustees is silent, but after a beat, they erupt into raucous applause. “That’s exactly why she hates her life,” they say. “That’s exactly why she’s such a bitch.”

Suddenly, a feeling of calm washes over you. “I understand my mom,” you think. “Maybe I’ve learned something about her after all…”

You black out…

And when you wake up… something feels different.

You look down at your hands. They’re back. Your beautiful hands are back!

While you lie on your bed, your “my mom’s a bitch” tattoo is just sitting there, looking up at you. “I won’t be needing this anymore,” you think, and immediately start covering your arm with duct tape.

You look down at your stomach. Finally, your lit core is back!

You kiss the place where your mom’s C-section scar was, which is now a rippling, teen abdominal muscle. “I’m never having children,” you say out loud. “I pray for infertility.”

You look around your room. Standing right there, looking at herself in the mirror in front of you, is your mom!

“We did it, daughter,” she says to you. “We switched back. I may no longer be hot as hell, but wow, I’m glad to be back, and no longer a bitch.”

Hell yeah! Time to sabotage your bitch-ass mom. If she gets to make out with every boy at your school with your old body, then you get to do the same to her. Sabotaging your mom means you get to try to have sex with everyone in her office. Suck it, bitch! So, who do you want to proposition first?

Okay, it was a nice try! Seems like your mom is really on top of her shit, in a way that not many moms can be. It’s pretty hard to sabotage someone who is so cool already. Wait, what are you saying? She’s not cool. She’s lame! Suck it, bitch! Who do you want to proposition now?

In an attempt to try to sabotage your mom, you put out an open offer to everyone in the company to have sex with her.

“Thanks, but we’ve already fucked you!” say your mom’s employees. “We’d love to fuck you again, just not now. We’re working!”

Holy shit. Hell yeah. If asking the hot intern to have sex with her doesn’t get her fired, who knows what will?

“Sorry, I really appreciate the opportunity to have sex with you, but I think I’m going to have to turn that down,” says the hot intern. “It’s just, we’ve already had sex so many times, and I’m just bored of it. I kind of want to fuck your daughter now.”

You proposition your boss for sex, a thing your uncool mom would never do. That’s right—it’s time to take your mom down at her high-powered job in a big way!

“It’s totally inappropriate for you to speak to me this way, especially considering our professional relationship,” says your boss. “We fuck all the time, so it insults me that you ask me for sex so formally. If you want to have sex, all you have to do is wink at me. I’m here for you anytime.”

“I’d love to give you a tour of the office where you work tirelessly to support the gluttonous habits of your bitchy kids,” says your boss. “I hate you! Let’s go!”

“Here’s your office, where you sleep sometimes because you’re avoiding going home to your terror of a teenage daughter,” says Trevor. “This place is a safe zone. If she ever tries to find you, you can hide here and we’ll escort her off the premise.”

“Here’s the boardroom,” he says. “This is where you gave birth to your daughter because you didn’t have time to get to the hospital. You raised her here the first three years of her life because you didn’t have enough time to drive her home.”

“And here’s my office! This is where we fuck all the time, in an affair way, and you tell me that I’m better than your husband. We fuck a lot, and we both like it.”

“Whoa,” you think. “That’s pretty fucking badass for a mom, even if she is a bitch. Well, maybe she’s not so bad after all…”

Wait, no! What are you thinking? Are you actually starting to sympathize with her? Sympathy is for pussies, like your mom. Let’s get down to business. What would you like to do now?

“Hey, I’m still at school making out with everyone, and so far, most of the school is getting steadily better,” she says. “Please do me the same courtesy at my work. Thanks, honey!”

Hell yeah. There’s no way in hell you’d let your mom talk to your crush. You’d rather die in some kind of explosion or tragic accident.

“Yes, my crush, you do look delicious,” you say to your crush, leaning down to look him in the eye. “If I were 30 years younger and also my own daughter, I would be very, very attracted to you. Just saying!”

Suddenly, someone who is not your crush approaches the car. Ugh, what a cock block.

“Hold it right there, pedophile,” says a police officer, poking his head into your window. “We heard you just call this young boy delicious. And sure, he is delicious, but he’s also an undercover cop. You’re coming with us.”

“Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you ended up in an elderly woman’s body and called a young boy delicious,” say the cops. “Let’s get you the hell out of here.”

Ugh, will this cock-blocking never end?

“Okay, yes, he definitely is delicious,” the cops say. “But that’s even more of a reason to get you the hell out of here.”

Ugh, will this cock-blocking never end?