You get in your dad’s camping truck, which he won in a raffle during his religion.

“Before we go camping, we’ve got to pick up my friends,” says your dad. “They are called the Friends of Dad, because they’re my friends and I’m your dad. Each one is an expert in one of the three Pillars of Adulthood: Romance, Ghost Stories, and Treasure Hunting.”

Your dad screams with rage. It is the kind of wordless, furious shriek that a dad makes when his child refuses to become an adult in the woods. “What, are you going to be an adolescent salad of shynesses your entire life? That’s poroporsterorosonesstouss!” Your dad loves to say “preposterous,” but he doesn’t really know how to pronounce it.

“My first friend is named Don Suave. He’s the ever-sexual King of Kiss, and he can teach you how to ask your crush out on a date.”

“Here I am,” says Don Suave. “Look how romantic I am.” He kisses himself on the back of his hand and a beautiful, thorn-studded rose grows out of his skin where he’s kissed himself. “It’s incredibly painful every time,” says Don Suave.

Don Suave climbs into the back seat of your dad’s camping truck and you drive off to pick up your dad’s next friend.

“My second friend is named Bathrobe Samuel,” says your dad. “His parents named him Bathrobe Samuel because when he was born his name was Samuel and he is always wearing a bathrobe. Bathrobe Samuel is a master of ghost legends and he will teach you to listen to a scary story without screaming, which is the adult way to be afraid.”

“Here I am,” says Bathrobe Samuel. “I get my ideas for scary stories from the index cards I find every morning in the pockets of my robe. I don’t know who puts the index cards in there, but the stories written on them are horrifying.” He climbs into the backseat of your dad’s camping truck and you drive on to pick up the next friend.

“My third friend is named Bean Bagg. He’s a master treasure hunter and he will teach you to discover jewels in caves,” says your dad. “It’s great that he’s coming camping with us because he will teach you to become a master treasure hunter.”

“Here I am,” says Bean Bagg. “I’m going to teach you how to find Tylenol in the woods that you can trade in for sandals at the Tylenol-4-Sandalz X-Change. The secrets I teach you will make you old.”

Don Suave and Bathrobe Samuel clap their hands as Bean Bagg joins them in the backseat of your dad’s camping truck. That’s all of your dad’s friends! Now it’s time to head to the woods.

You fall asleep and have a dream about a piece of paper. When you wake up, you are in the woods.

“Let the camping begin!” says your dad. “The first thing all serious campers do is pitch a tent. You know how to pitch a tent, don’t you?”

“It’s okay that you don’t know how to pitch a tent,” says your dad. “It’s an adult thing to admit when you don’t know something. My own father used to say to me, ‘Son, I don’t know a single goddamned thing. Every day I have to pay a man to explain to me what eating is. Every time I blink, I think I’ve died for half of a second. I’m wildly stupid.’ He was the most adult person I ever met. Prepare to learn how to pitch a tent.”

“The steps for pitching a tent are:

1. Gather twigs.
2. Put twigs into pile.
3. Find a buffalo that deserves to die, and then skin the evil buffalo.
4. Drape bad buffalo’s skin over twigs.

Did you get all that?”

You look around for a tent that’s already been set up and find one immediately.

“Yes, I will repeat it. The steps for pitching a tent are:

1. Gather twigs.
2. Put twigs into pile.
3. Find a buffalo that deserves to die, and then skin the evil buffalo.
4. Drape bad buffalo’s skin over twigs.

Did you get all that?”

You wander off into the woods to find the supplies you need to pitch a tent. The first thing you’ll need is some twigs. You hear someone in the eastern part of the woods yelling, “I love my twigs! I love my twigs!”

You hear someone in the western part of the woods yelling, “I hate my logs! I cannot stand the logs I’ve got!”

From the south, you can hear the sound of something weird and quiet happening.

You leave whatever horrible nonsense that was and return to the path. You hear someone in the eastern part of the woods yelling, “I love my twigs! I love my twigs!”

You hear someone in the western part of the woods yelling, “I hate my logs! I cannot stand the logs I’ve got!”

From the south, you can still hear the sound of that fucked up shit going on.

You travel south and see this thing. Whatever this is, it is clearly bad and weird. You should probably go somewhere else.

This continues to be seriously fucked up. This is not something you should be looking at.

This is not a thing that it’s okay to like. Seriously… you should go back before you become completely entranced by this sick and seriously fucked nonsense.

Hm…

Ah…

You travel east and discover a man smiling at a bunch of twigs that he’s holding. “I love my twigs!” he yells at his twigs. “My twigs are my life!”

“Well, I don’t know. My twigs are pretty amazing, and I love them. What will you give me in return for my wonderful twigs?”

“You know, ever since I was a little kid, I’ve been fascinated by the ground,” says the man. “I think a book about the ground would be an incredible way for me to discover the mysteries of the ground and the riddles of the dirt. I would gladly trade you my fabulous twigs in exchange for a book about the ground.”

“Some of a car? That’s almost all of a car!” says the man. “I would definitely trade you my incredible twigs for some of a car.”

“Wow! A map to a boot!” says the man. “This is extremely good, because I will be able to follow the map and find the boot somewhere in the wilderness. I can go to alcohol restaurants and say to ladies, ‘Hey, baby, I know where there is a boot somewhere out in nature,’ and this will make the ladies want to go to the movies with me! I would gladly trade you my twigs for this map to a boot. Thank you!

You give the man what you promised him and he hands you the twigs. All right, you’ve got your twigs and you’ve wandered deeper than ever into the forest. The next thing you need is to find an evil buffalo who it is ethical to skin.

You steal the man’s twigs and sprint away into the forest.

“My twigs!” screams the man. “I’m lost without them! I’ll never smile again!” You can hear him sobbing as you spring through the woods.

All right, you’ve got your twigs. The next thing you need is to find an evil buffalo who it is ethical to skin.

You spin around in a circle until you see a buffalo. There is a buffalo.

You check the Encyclopedia of Known Buffalos and look up the buffalo that’s right in front of you. According to the encyclopedia, he’s a good buffalo. He donated $10 to UNICEF in 1999. You’ll have to find a more evil buffalo to kill.

You keep spinning around until you find a new buffalo.

You check the Encyclopedia of Known Buffalos and look up the buffalo that’s right in front of you. According to the encyclopedia, he’s a bad buffalo. He once kissed a sign that said “graffiti” on it. This is a rotten-souled buffalo who deserves to die. How would you like to kill the bad buffalo?

You decide to wait patiently for the evil buffalo to die of old age. You sit quietly and wait.

The buffalo has died of old age. It’s time to harvest his skin.

Like the Native Americans of old, you use every part of the buffalo. You use the buffalo’s skin to make a tent and you use the rest of the buffalo to poison the reservoir.

All right. You’ve killed the buffalo. Now you have all the components necessary to pitch a tent.

You reach into your camper’s satchel and pull out beloved music legend Sting. “I was in The Police, but then I went solo,” Sting says to you. You find a big cauldron of poison that somebody left in the forest and you dip Sting into it. Sting smiles at you as he sits in the cauldron and lets the poison get all over him. “I’m becoming toxic to eat,” says Sting.

Sting is now all covered in poison. It’s time to feed him to the bad buffalo.

You toss poisonous Sting in front of the bad buffalo and the bad buffalo devours him immediately. He becomes dead very soon after this, because of the poison.

Like the Native Americans of old, you use every part of the buffalo. You use the buffalo’s skin to make a tent and you use the rest of the buffalo to poison the reservoir.

All right. You’ve killed the buffalo. Now you have all the components necessary to pitch a tent.

You decide to kill the bad buffalo by telling him about Heaven, where there is a wrench. You tell the buffalo that in Heaven, the wrench in lying around and the angels look at the wrench and say, “Whose wrench is this?” and nobody answers because nobody knows.

The bad buffalo is so excited to see the wrench in Heaven that he makes his liver explode so that he will immediately die. In this way, you have killed the bad buffalo.

Like the Native Americans of old, you use every part of the buffalo. You use the buffalo’s skin to make a tent and you use the rest of the buffalo to poison the reservoir.

All right. You’ve killed the buffalo. Now you have all the components necessary to pitch a tent.

You return to the campsite and pitch the tent. You put the twigs in a pile and drape the bad buffalo’s skin over the pile of twigs, just like your dad taught you. That’s it! You’ve pitched the tent!

You blow up the buffalo with an airstrike from the U.S. Air Force. Unfortunately, it turns out that this was a good buffalo who donated $10 to UNICEF in 1999, so it was illegal to kill him. You should have checked beforehand, because now you have to go to jail.

You walk west and discover a man in the woods holding a bunch of logs.

“I hate my logs,” the man says to you. “My logs are trash. Every night I bury my terrible logs in the dirt, and every morning I wake up and the logs are back in my bed with me. I wish I could get rid of these logs.”

“No, they are logs. And I hate them.”

“I hate my logs because I once dropped my logs onto a piano keyboard and it made a horrible sound that scared my wife so much that she sprinted away into the desert and I never saw her again.”

“Yes. My logs are the bane of my existence. Every day I pray to God that He will send an angel to come to my tent and carry my logs away from me, but instead, every morning an angel comes down from Heaven and gives me a new log.”

“Goodbye.”

Incredible. The tent is complete. Your dad and his friends all climb in and start whispering the word “camping” to one another. It’s time to get started learning how to be an adult in the woods. In order to become an adult, you will need to master the three Pillars of Adulthood and then join your dad for the Gauntlet of Ultimate Maturity.

What would you like to do first?

You return to the tent. You dad’s friends are all milling around the campsite enjoying nature and filling their lungs with gnats.

What would you like to do now?

Now that you are a master of Romance, you return to the tent. You dad’s friends are all milling around the campsite enjoying nature. They have trained a cloud of gnats to form the shape of a man, and the gnat-cloud man is running around the tent while your dad’s friends chase after him and try to convert him to Christianity.

What would you like to do now?

You have survived Bathrobe Samuel’s horrifying legend and you are now a master of Ghost Stories. Plus, you got to bond with your dad! Nice!

You return to the tent. Your dad and his friends are taking turns showing each other pictures of their barbers and talking about whether or not they would let their barbers have sex with their wives. They have all agreed that a true gentleman always lets his barber have sex with his wife every time.

What would you like to do now?

You have become an expert treasure hunter under the tutelage of Bean Bagg. You are that much closer to becoming completely an adult here in the woods. What would you like to do now?

Warning: You are about to undertake the Gauntlet of Ultimate Maturity. This is an extremely dangerous task that requires an advanced feeling of puberty, and it is highly recommended that you master the Three Pillars of Adulthood by talking with your dad’s three friends before proceeding. Are you sure you want to continue?

You approach your dad. “It is time for the Gauntlet of Ultimate Maturity,” says your dad. “In this trial, you will do the most adult thing humanly possible: feed your father a live marlin that you caught yourself. Let’s go to the ocean.”

Your dad walks off into the woods, in the direction of the ocean.

As you’re walking through the woods, a bear attacks you out of nowhere!

“Oh Hot Christ! Oh Wet Zeus! It’s a goddamn bear!” screams your dad. “Quick! Bears are well known for being the most romantic animals in the forest. Use your knowledge of Romance in order to give the bear a seductive compliment!”

This bear looks pretty angry. It definitely wants to kill you. What would you like to say in order to seduce the bear?

Nice job! You remembered Don Suave’s lesson about how the most romantic way to seduce somebody is to tell them a compliment about their head. The bear is completely seduced by you, and he does the kind of swoon that girls in the ’60s used to do when they saw a cloud that looked like Paul McCartney.

“That was a very mature compliment you made about the bear’s head,” says your dad. He’s definitely impressed! He heads deeper into the woods toward the ocean.

As you and your dad are walking through the woods, you are suddenly set upon by a horrible witch! A scare-ghoul from the rotten half of the world! A she-problem from the Trouble Zone! An honest-to-Christ goddamn witch!

“Give me your soul so that I can sit on it!” shrieks the witch. “I’m going to sit on your soul and make it flat with my ass!”

“I’m so frightened!” yells your dad. He is squirting fright juice all over the place and it’s a little embarrassing. “Quick! Scare this witch away with a ghost story before she sits on our souls!”

Which ghost story would you like to tell in order to scare this witch away?

“That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever heard!” screams the witch. She turns around and sprints away into the forest, where she is eaten by a dove and a jaguar who are best friends.

Nice job! You remembered Bathrobe Samuel’s lesson about which kind of ghost story you need to tell in order to scare a witch.

“That was a very grown-up and mature ghost story,” your dad says. You’ve impressed him again! He heads deeper into the woods toward the ocean.

You walk with your dad deeper into the woods until you arrive at the ocean. “Here we are,” says your father.” It’s time for you to pull a marlin out of the ocean and feed it, still living, into my craw in order to fully enter the scary and boring world of adulthood. The one piece of advice I can give you is that the only kind of bait that works on marlins is a sandal. Marlins go crazy for sandals and if you dangle a sandal over the water, you are guaranteed to catch a marlin in no time. You just need to find a sandal somewhere.”

If you’ve deposited sandals with the Tylenol-4-Sandals X-Change, then this shouldn’t be a problem! To retrieve your sandals, just say your sandal security code now.

Great job! You remembered the security code for sandals that you learned while treasure hunting with Bean Bagg. As soon as you say “Sandal it into my life,” out loud, you do a very large cough and spew your sandals out of your mouth into your hands. Incredible! You’ve got the main marlin bait. Time to use it.

You dangle the sandals over the water and the second you do, a 2,500-pound marlin leaps out of the ocean.

“Oh tremendous! The sweet smell of a sandal I smell! The sweet vibrations of a sandal I feel! I feel the strong vibrations of the sandal deep in the sea!” the marlin explains to you before chomping down on the sandal. You grab the marlin and hold on tight. You’ve caught him. Now you just need to feed him to your dad…

To complete the final challenge in the Gauntlet of Ultimate Maturity, you lift the 2,500-pound marlin over your head and carry it to your dad. He begins eating the marlin alive while you’re still holding it in your hands.

“Oh Christ, yes! I love this!” your dad and the marlin scream in unison. Your dad bites greedily into the marlin’s still-heaving belly. “This is the happiest day of my life,” your dad and the marlin yell, both in unison again.

In a matter of minutes your dad has stripped the marlin of all flesh, leaving nothing but the skeleton. Wow. You just caught a marlin and fed it to your dad. That’s one of the most adult things you can do. You feel older and more tired and mature than ever before.

Your father finishes eating the marlin and looks at you. He smiles and screams:

“My child! I am so proud of you! You have completed the Gauntlet of Ultimate Maturity and have become an adult here in the woods! Now, you are the Dad. As the Dad, you are friends with Don Suave, Bean Bagg, and Bathrobe Samuel now. Take care of them. Be sure to give them a bath three times every day, or else they will rust and get eaten by the Great Eagle of the Mountain. As for me, like all fathers whose child has gone through puberty while camping, I must now turn into wind. Goodbye… New Dad.”

“What sort of garbled insanity is this?” bellows your dad. “Don’t you understand? If you’re not an adult soon, I’m going to get beat up by the Tough Father’s Victory Squad! They hate dads who go easy on their kids and if they see you all milk-souled and jelly-boned, they’re going to give me the business for sure! Please go camping with me and become an adult!”

Suddenly you hear a noise from the beach. You look at the beach and you see the three fearsome members of the Tough Father’s Victory Squad, the toughest dads who ever lived. “Oh Christ! Oh no!” screams your dad. He knows he’s done for.

“Look at this flimsy marshmallow dad and his pillow-skinned kid,” sneers Doug Discipline, the leader of the Tough Father’s Victory Squad.

“Our kids are as tough as nails, but your kid is very weak and adolescent in a bad way,” says Ronnie Roomsender, the dad who has sent more kids to their room than any other father in history.

“All our sons were raised tough and they grew up to be different motorcycle parts,” says Nick Nutjob, aka ‘Dad Who Spanked a Generation.’ “They got built into a motorcycle that is on fire and has a skeleton near it. It’s incredibly badass, unlike the shitty nougat-souled waif of yours.”

“Now you have to beat me up!” screams your dad.

“That’s tremendous news from you! Let’s go to the woods and live in a tent and my friends will come with us and make you old. I love you. I will conquer you.”

You approach Bean Bagg, the master of Treasure Hunting. “Here I am,” says Bean Bagg. “Let’s begin learning the secrets of Treasure Hunting. What do you think the greatest treasure is that you could possibly find?”

“That’s correct!” says Bean Bagg. “The greatest treasure you can ever find is Tylenol in the wilderness. This is because Tylenol can be traded for sandals at the Tylenol-4-Sandals X-Change. That’s why today we’re going to be learning how to find Tylenol in the wilderness.”

“Well, that’s too bad,” says Bean Bagg. “We’re in the thick of it now. Prepare to discover Tylenol.”

“That’s a terrible answer!” says Bean Bagg. “The greatest treasure you can ever find is Tylenol in the wilderness. This is because Tylenol can be traded for sandals at the Tylenol-4-Sandals X-Change. That’s why today we’re going to be learning how to find Tylenol in the wilderness.”

“We will now begin the search for the greatest Tylenol treasure ever to be hidden in the wilderness: the Lost Tylenol of Captain Plimpton Bagg. In order to begin our treasure hunt, I must tell you the legend of the fearsome pirate Captain Plimpton Bagg, my ancestor from the 1700s.”

“Are you sure you want to skip my pirate story?” asks Bean Bagg. “There’s some important background for why we’re about to run around the woods looking for Tylenol. If you’re okay with looking for Tylenol while also being confused, then I guess it’s fine to skip the story.”

Bean Bagg clears his throat and begins his pirate story:

“Captain Plimpton Bagg was the most feared pirate in the ocean for a three-month period in 1714 known as the ‘Trimester of Nightmares.’ Captain Bagg was wild for Tylenol, which was an extremely valuable item in the 18th century. Everyone in the world knew that if you had Tylenol, the dreaded pirate Plimpton Bagg would find you and take it from you by any means necessary.”

“You see, Tylenol was a highly coveted status symbol. Kings and queens, and other high-ranking aristocrats, used to carry big buckets of Tylenol around with them. And the heavier your bucket was, the wealthier you were, which meant that people respected you if your bucket of Tylenol was extremely heavy. It was said that King Louis XIV of France had a bucket of Tylenol so heavy that it required 60 of France’s strongest soldiers to carry it around behind him wherever he went. This is one of two reasons why Tylenol was more valuable than gold.”

“The second reason is that, in those days, it was believed that if you said ‘Fuck you,’ to your bucket of Tylenol right before you went to sleep, your daughter would marry a powerful nobleman the next day. For these reasons, Tylenol was one of the most sought-after items in the entire world, and Captain Bagg wanted to steal as much of it as he could.”

“Captain Bagg went insane with Tylenol Fever, and like all fevers, the more Tylenol he got, the worse his fever became. He and his ruthless crew of wild pirates wandered the ocean searching for Tylenol to steal. They attacked merchant ships transporting Tylenol. They attacked picnics where families were eating piles of Tylenol out of a salad bowl. They even went to Heaven, where Christ and Zeus were taking turns spoon-feeding each other Tylenol, and stole the Tylenol from those two powerful gods.”

“Through his vicious piracy, Captain Bagg acquired the largest collection of Tylenol in all of recorded history. Legend has it that, before he died, the captain placed all of his Tylenol into a chest and buried it in a cave somewhere in these very woods. You and I are going to find Plimpton Bagg’s Tylenol Treasure!”

You zone out while Bean Bagg finishes his story about pirates. You think about a car and a soda. They are both good in your brain.

“Hey!” says Bean Bagg. “I noticed you zoned out there, but this part is really important, so listen up: Through his vicious piracy, Captain Bagg acquired the largest collection of Tylenol in all of recorded history. Legend has it that, before he died, the captain placed all of his Tylenol into a chest and buried it in a cave somewhere in these very woods. You and I are going to find Plimpton Bagg’s Tylenol Treasure!”

“All right, if that’s what you want,” says Bean Bagg. “This is maybe confusing then, but basically this is the main thing you need to know: Through his vicious piracy, Captain Plimpton Bagg acquired the largest collection of Tylenol in all of recorded history. Legend has it that, before he died, the captain placed all of his Tylenol into a chest and buried it in a cave somewhere in these very woods. If that doesn’t make a ton of sense to you, then you should have listened to my story, which would have done a great job explaining everything. Anyway, you and I are going to find Captain Bagg’s Tylenol Treasure!”

“Great, let’s get started,” says Bean Bagg. “The first step to finding a treasure is to get a treasure map. Fortunately, the map to Plimpton Bagg’s Tylenol Treasure has been in the Bagg family for generations, and I happen to have it here.”

Bean Bagg takes out the treasure map and shows it to you. The map is a picture of your dad with a circle around it.

“What do you think this means?” asks Bean Bagg.

You and Bean Bagg go and find your dad. He is standing around, looking at the nature of the forest. “Dad…” he says to himself.

Bean Bagg lifts your dad into the air and you start digging a hole underneath where he was standing. “I’m the famous landmark!” says your dad as you dig and dig. Soon, you discover the treasure chest. It’s Plimpton Bagg’s famous Tylenol Treasure!

You open the chest and discover more Tylenol than you’ve ever seen in your life. “Yeah, baby, this is the Tylenol I was telling you about,” says Bean Bagg. Now we’ve got to take all this sweet bounty to the Tylenol-4-Sandals X-Change to trade it in for some sandals.

You and Bean Bagg travel to the Tylenol-4-Sandals X-Change Bureau. A man greets you with a polite smile.

“Hello. Welcome to the Tylenol-4-Sandals X-Change Bureau, where a bag of sandals is just a bottle of Tylenol away,” says the man. “My name is Advil, and I am the Secretary of Tylenol, which means I’m in charge of sandals.”

“Very good,” says Advil, “Please hand me the Tylenol.”

It turns out the current Tylenol-to-sandal exchange rate is two sandals in exchange for any amount of Tylenol. As a result you receive two sandals in exchange for your Tylenol treasure. Your picture appears on the cover of Two Sandals Magazine, the magazine for people who own two sandals or have at least seen two sandals.

“It’s been a pleasure exchanging sandals for Tylenol with you,” says Advil. “Would you like to deposit your sandals here with us so that we can keep them safe for you? This is highly recommended.”

“Very good. You can have your sandals back whenever you want, no matter where you are in the world. Simply say your security code out loud and a crow will fly to your location and drop the sandals in your lap.

Your security code is: SANDAL IT TO MY LIFE.

Just as a reminder, it is: SANDAL IT TO MY LIFE.

Simply say this out loud at any given point and you will receive your sandals right away. Please remember your security code.

“Congratulations, you are officially a master of Treasure Hunting,” says Bean Bagg. “You managed to find the Tylenol treasure of Plimpton Bagg and you managed to learn the mature power of wise long-term investment. I hereby declare you one step closer to adulthood.”

You approach Bathrobe Samuel, the master of Ghost Stories. His robe is flapping in the forest breeze. “Hello, youngster. I am very scared right now,” says Bathrobe Samuel. “Do you know why I am so scared? It is because I am thinking of a graveyard. This power to scare yourself and others simply with your own thoughts can be yours as well, if you are prepared to learn from me the secret of Ghost Stories. Are you ready to learn these terrifying secrets?”

“Okay, fantastic,” says Bathrobe Samuel. “Here is how you will learn to master fear. I will tell you the most horrifying story I know and if you can make it through the whole thing without screaming, then you will become a man. Got it?”

“This is fabulous to hear,” says Bathrobe Samuel. He takes a big bite of the cereal he brought to the woods even though everyone asked him not to. “First of all, no good ghost story can happen without a campfire, so you’ll have to go into the woods to gather firewood.”

“Thank you for asking. This cereal is called ‘Gentleman’s Shavings.’ It is the most adult cereal on the market. It is made from oats and paper. The mascot is an elderly dog named Old Crisper. In the commercial for Gentleman’s Shavings, Old Crisper comes to a man’s house and does his taxes for them and then the man euthanizes Old Crisper because he is such an old dog and that’s the responsible thing to do. As he dies, Old Crisper says, ‘Do not weep for me. There is life after death.’ Then the man goes to bury Old Crisper in the backyard and when he is digging the grave, he finds a bowl of Gentleman’s Shavings in the dirt. It is my favorite commercial.”

“It’s no problem. Please go gather firewood now so that I can tell you my ghost story.”

You prepare to travel into the woods to gather firewood. Here is your dad standing next to you. “I’m coming with you to get firewood so that we can do some father-son bonding,” he says.

You and your dad travel into the woods to look for firewood. It is time do some serious father-son bonding. How would you like to bond with your dad?

You and your dad walk through the woods in stoic silence. Being quiet next to your dad in the woods is the ultimate bonding technique, and you feel yourself understanding your father more than ever. Your thoughts merge with your dad’s thoughts and you catch a glimpse of the secret dreams that live in his brain. You see an image of your dad being awarded a trophy that says “Godzilla’s Chauffeur” on it, and you understand that this is your dad’s ultimate fantasy—he wants to be the one who drives Godzilla around in a gigantic limousine and go wherever Godzilla wants, even if Godzilla asks your dad to drive him to the pornography store. In all the years you’ve known him, you’ve never heard your dad speak of this desire to drive Godzilla to the pornography store. Only now that you are silent in the woods can you bond with him on a deep enough level to understand that this is what he wants all the time.

After walking in silence for a few more minutes, you spot a pile of firewood.

You and your dad approach the pile of firewood. There is a man standing in front of it, cradling his logs.

“Oh… Welcome to firewood,” says the man. “I’m… My name is John. I’m the guard of all this firewood. You can’t have any unless you can solve my firewood riddle.”

“Here’s my firewood riddle,” says John. “Listen closely, and if you answer correctly, you can have the firewood, but if you get it wrong, you will receive a horrible curse.”

John clears his throat and begins his firewood riddle:

“Come seek me out, friend,
When the twilight is dwindling.
You can light me on fire
if you have proper kindling.
In the dark and the cold,
I can do you much good,
I am used to start fires
and I’m made out of wood.
I’m the kind of wood you set on fire
Whenever you need a flame,
I’m the wood used for fires,
Which is how I got my name.
What am I?”

“Hahaha! Incorrect, you fool!” John cackles. “You got my firewood riddle wrong, and now you must receive a curse!”

“Yes… that’s correct, it was firewood,” says John. “Congratulations. You have passed the trial. You can have some of my firewood.”

John hands you and your father some firewood.

“Firewood,” says John.

You continue standing in silence with your dad, and the bond between you grows insanely deep. It’s almost like you’re the same person. You now can see your dad’s deepest fantasies in the most vivid details. In your father’s mind, you see an image of Godzilla destroying a sporting goods store and then climbing into the back of an enormous limousine. Your dad is at the wheel, dressed like a chauffeur. “Driver, take me to the pornography store,” says Godzilla.

“Right away, Godzilla,” says the fantasy version of your dad. He starts the car and drives through the city toward a store called Elroy And Son’s Discount Pornography And Vintage Maps.

You grow even closer with your dad. Your dad’s Godzilla daydream grows even more vivid in your brain. You see Godzilla looking out the window of the limousine as your dad drives him to buy smut mags.

“Contrary to popular belief, I do not buy the pornography for sexual reasons,” Godzilla says to your dad, “I buy the pornography so that I can eat it, to fuel the atomic blast ray that I shoot out of my mouth.”

“Godzilla, are you telling me that you don’t use the pornography to masturbate?” asks your dad.

“No,” says Godzilla, “every time I masturbate, I get smaller, and if I get too small then I will not be able to destroy Tokyo, so I only buy the pornography so that I can eat it to fuel my atomic blast ray. I must never look at the nude pictures or I will become the size of a shoe.”

“That’s very cool, Godzilla,” says your dad.

“You’re the best chauffeur I’ve ever seen,” says Godzilla. Your dad smiles and presses the gas pedal all the way to the floor.

Wow. You’re forming an extremely close bond with your dad. If you bond any more, something terrible might happen. You better just go collect that firewood.

“Thank you for asking me about my regrets,” says your dad. “One of the main ways that you can bond with your dad is by listening to him talk about his mistakes. My worst regret is that when my own father was dying in the hospital from Lunatic’s Wrist syndrome, he pulled me close and he said, ‘My son, I am just about practically dead. Before I die, please show me a picture of a majestic clipper ship.’”

Your dad sighs. “I wish I could say that I did. I even had a picture of a majestic clipper ship with me in the hospital. I was holding it between my knees and I could have shown it to my dying father to honor his final request, but instead I said, ‘Dad, if I show you a picture of a majestic clipper ship, I’ll have to show it to everyone else in the hospital in order to be fair, and I just don’t have that kind of time.’ And as soon as I finished speaking, my father died.”

“That’s correct, you can fuck all day long on a clipper ship, and it’s so big that the ship won’t tip over, unlike a rowboat, where you can’t have sex or talk,” says your dad. “And I had a picture of a glorious clipper ship with me in the hospital. I was holding it between my knees and I could have shown it to my dying father to honor his final request, but instead I said, ‘Dad, if I show you a picture of a majestic clipper ship, I’ll have to show it to everyone else in the hospital in order to be fair, and I just don’t have that kind of time.’ And as soon as I finished speaking, my father died.”

Your dad nods sadly. “Yes, it’s devastating. I wish every day that I could go back to that moment and show my dad the picture of the majestic clipper ship, but sadly that can never happen. I live with that regret every day. Son, promise me that when I am dying, you will do whatever I want you to do, even if it’s dangerous or illegal.”

“Wonderful. Thank you. I feel closer to you than I ever have before. We are bonding in a major way,” says your dad. You walk together through the woods. How would you like to bond with your dad now?

“Thank you for asking me about my religion,” says your dad. “My religion is a new and exciting cosmic devotion called Friends of Allen. This is a picture of Allen working in his garage. Allen is an auto-parts salesman from the mountains, and we worship him. Allen is one of our two gods, but our second god is terrible so we sat on him until he died.”

“It means a lot to me that you are so interested in my religion,” says your dad. “Okay, the main reason why we worship Allen is that we believe that he is pregnant with Zeus, the Greek god of thunder. We need to keep Allen cool and dry so that he can give birth to Zeus and Zeus can send lightning bolts to kill everyone in the world, thus bringing about the noisy apocalypse I’ve craved since I was a boy. All day long we keep Allen away from moisture situations and blast him with a hair dryer so that he is always dry, and we blow cold breath into his face to make sure he is always cool. That’s the main thing of my religion.”

“Thank you,” says your dad. “What religion are you?”

“That sounds good,” says your dad. You walk together in silence some more. How would you like to bond with your dad now?

“Okay, well, tough darts, youngster. We’re in the thick of it now.”

You return to Bathrobe Samuel with the firewood. He has made it darker in the woods in order to set the mood for the ghost story. “Ah, you have returned with the firewood!” says Bathrobe Samuel. His robe billows in the forest wind. “Now we can build a campfire and I can begin my ghost story.”

Using a lit candle you brought from home, you set the firewood aflame, and the campfire is all ready to go.

Bathrobe Samuel smiles as the flames cast shadows on his robe. “Excellent,” he says. “Now I can tell you my very scary ghost story. You must be brave and not scream in fear. If you can make it all the way through the ghost story without screaming, then you will be a master of horror.”

Bathrobe Samuel clears his throat and begins to tell his ghost story.

“One time there was a ghost, and the ghost seen a spider.”

“And the ghost go to a hotel and he spray the bed with Febreze to make the mattress smell grand.”

“Very good question. The scent of Febreze was Fresh, Hot Pinecone.”

“And then a vampire walk inside and he seen the ghost and the vampire smell of the mattress and the vampire smiled big because the mattress smelled deep of Febreze, which carried the aroma Fresh, Hot Pinecone.”

Bathrobe Samuel’s ghost story causes you to become consumed with fear and you let out a shriek of terror.

Bathrobe Samuel looks at you sadly and shakes his head. “What a shame,” he says. “It turns out that you are a coward, and I must banish you to the Coward’s Sauna.”

Bathrobe Samuel looks at you sadly and shakes his head. “What a shame,” he says. “It turns out that you are a coward, and I must banish you to the Coward’s Sauna.”

The mysterious figure has made you frightened, so you turn around and run back to Bathrobe Samuel.

Bathrobe Samuel looks at you sadly and shakes his head. “What a shame,” he says. “It turns out that you are a coward, and I must banish you to the Coward’s Sauna.”

“The End,” says Bathrobe Samuel. “Wow, you’ve made it through the entire scary story. Very good! Of course, it’s only a story so none of the scary things that happened in it could ever happen in real life… or could they?” Suddenly, you hear a rustling from the woods.

Bathrobe Samuel looks frightened. “Did you hear that? Someone… or something is here with us in this spooky area. You’d better go investigate.”

You wander deep into the woods toward the spooky sound. You see a dark and menacing figure standing in the distance.

“It’s… ah… Come closer and find out!” calls the figure in the distance. “You’ll hate who I am! I’m something frightening! Come and see!”

Oh scream! Oh wail! It’s the bed from the ghost story! The one that got sprayed with Febreze to smell like Fresh, Hot Pinecone! It’s here haunting the woods, searching for innocent campers and now it’s found you!

The sight of the horrifying bed from Bathrobe Samuel’s ghost story causes you to shriek into the night. Just when you think you’re done for, a zipper opens in the middle of the mattress and your dad climbs out of the bed! It was your dad the whole time, in a disguise!

“Hello. It’s me, your dad,” says your dad. “I was disguised as this scary bed in order to help Bathrobe Samuel test your bravery. By screaming in terror, you have failed this test and have proven yourself to be a coward. I have no choice but to send you to the Coward’s Sauna.”

You intrepidly spit on the haunted bed. “I’m done for!” screams the bed. “All my plans to be terrifying have been foiled by one brave youngster whose father must be very proud!” There’s something familiar about the bed’s voice, but you just can’t quite place it.

“It’s me, your dad,” says the bed in the familiar voice. “I’m disguised as this scary bed in order to help Bathrobe Samuel test your bravery. I’m actually your dad, though.”

You know you’ve heard this voice before, but you just can’t remember where…

Suddenly, a zipper opens in the middle of the mattress and your dad climbs out of the bed! It was your dad the whole time, in a disguise!

“You did a great job,” says your dad. “In the face of incomprehensible Fear, you acted very mature in the adult kind of way, and I’m quite proud of you.”

You return to the campfire where Bathrobe Samuel is waiting for you. He smiles in the grand fashion.

“Congratulations!” he says. “You have made it through the scariest ghost story in the world without submitting to your fear even one time. I will now tell you something VERY IMPORTANT about Fear: If you are ever attacked by a witch, you can scare the witch away by telling her a story about a mummy who drives a haunted car to the supermarket to touch some spoiled lamb. Please remember that, because you never know when you’ll need to scare a witch away. A story about a mummy who drives a haunted car to the supermarket to touch spoiled lamb. Remember. So important. Maybe even write it down.

Anyway, good job. You are now a master of Ghost Stories now, which is one of the most crucial Pillars of Adulthood.”

You approach Don Suave. He is breathing heavily and he seems to be swollen with sexual know-how. “I’m swollen with sexual know-how,” Don Suave explains. It is clear that this is true. “Your dad tells me you need to learn the basics regarding affairs of the heart. Are you prepared to learn from me the secrets of Romance?”

“Well, too bad. You’re in the thick of it now. Prepare for Romance.”

“Okay. We’re going to learn how to ask your crush out on a date. First of all, show me a picture of the crush you’ve got in the hallways of school.”

“Ah! There it is! Your crush! What a beauty! You have excellent taste in crushes. Okay, the first thing you need to know is that if you want to ask your crush out on a date, you need to give them a compliment about their head. Other types of compliments are okay, but only compliments about your crush’s head will truly win their heart.”

“Okay. let’s review: The first thing you need to know is that if you want to ask your crush out on a date, you need to give them a compliment about their head.”

“Well, when I first met my crush, I said compliments like, ‘Your head reminds me of a smell,’ and ‘Your head looks like it weighs the same as Mickey Mouse the mouse.’ My crush was so flattered that we got married later that day. Those are the types of compliments that crushes like to hear.”

“Okay. Good. The next thing you need to do is ask your crush if they want to go somewhere romantic. The main place to go is a romantic hog house, where the pigs yell at you about how to make things more romantic.”

“When I first met my crush, I took her to Sylvester’s Kiss Graveyard, where they bury wax replicas of you and your crush in coffins while you kiss. It is incredibly romantic. However, the romantic place where my crush and I truly fell in love was Cupid’s Luxury Hog House: ‘Where The Hogs Tell You To Kiss!™’ Trust me. Romantic hog houses are the way to go for dates with your crush.”

“Great,” says Don Suave. “You know the two main things for asking your crush out on a date. Are you ready to practice what we’ve learned?”

Don Suave blows a whistle and out of the forest comes your dad, dressed like a blonde bombshell. “For this exercise, your dad will be your crush and you’ll need to ask her on a date,” says Don Suave.

“Hi there, stranger!” screams your dad in a high-pitched voice. “My name is a girl called Georgia Gorgeous, and you’re in love with me!”

Your dad blushes and smiles. “That’s kind of you to say!” he says. “But that is a mediocre compliment that has failed to win my heart.”

Your dad cackles and blushes so red that the birds in the trees get mad about how red his face is. “Another very nice compliment!” he says. “But that is still not the compliment that will win my heart.”

Your dad blushes even deeper. “You’re very nice, but that’s still not the right compliment,” says your dad who, for the sake of this exercise, is currently going by the name Georgia Gorgeous.

Your dad blushes and brushes his glamorous hair. “That’s such a nice thing to say about my head!” he says. “If you were to ask me on a date to a romantic place, I would maybe say yes now!”

Your dad, aka Georgia Gorgeous, shrugs. “That doesn’t sound like the most romantic place for a date,” he says.

“A romantic hog house? That sounds wonderful!” says your dad, whose name is a girl named Georgia Gorgeous. “Let’s go!”

You and your dad, who is currently the girl Georgia Gorgeous for dating practice, travel deep into the woods and discover Cupid’s Luxury Hog House, the most romantic hog house that hasn’t burned down yet. A sign in the front reads, “Welcome to Cupid’s Luxury Hog House, ‘Where The Hogs Tell You To Kiss!™’ If none of our hogs tell you and your date to kiss each other, we’ll send ourselves to jail!”

You and Georgia Gorgeous (disguise lady of Dad), enter Cupid’s Luxury Hog House. There, you find the hogs. “Oh! Young lovers!” says one of the hogs. “The young lovers should kiss,” another hog says. “Kiss each other!” one of the hogs screams at you and your dad (Georgia Gorgeous). “Yes, now you must kiss! For romance!” says the largest hog of all.

All the hogs start yelling at you and your dad to kiss.

You decide not to kiss your dad. The hogs start to grumble and get mad.

“What is going on here? These lovebirds haven’t kissed yet,” says one of the hogs.

“Hey, you two should really kiss,” says another hog.

“Become a slave to love and just kiss each other already,” says the fattest hog of the century.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU IDIOTS? KISS EACH OTHER!” screams the most frantic hog in the world. “KISS!” scream all the hogs. They are now furious.

The hogs are frothing at the mouth. They are having a fury. In walks the Grand Hog, the Pig Who Saw the Earth Get Born. He speaks. “This lack of kissing is BAD BUSINESS,” says the Grand Hog. “In my hog house, lovers kiss each other or lovers are punished by an eternal visit to the Penalty Horses. You have two choices: Kiss each other, or face the Penalty Horses. The choice is yours.”

“KISS EACH OTHER,” the most religious pig in the country screams from the back of the room.

“So be it,” says the Grand Hog (this hog is extremely old. He was around when the Earth hatched from its egg). “If you will not kiss in the romantic fashion, then you shall be punished with an eternal visit to the Penalty Horses. HOGS! TAKE THE KISS-FREE LOVERS TO THE PENALTY HORSES.”

All right, well, you have kissed your dad. The hogs are cheering and Cupid is looking down from Heaven and smiling at you.

It looks like you’ve truly mastered the art of Romance. Nice job! You’re one step closer to becoming an adult!

Good question. Cupid is the Love Snake from Heaven. He is a snake in the shape of a mature baby who is in the middle of puberty. Cupid’s thing is that he flies down from Heaven with his Fuck Trumpet and honks the Fuck Trumpet into your ear. When you hear Cupid’s Fuck Trumpet, it means that you will have sex with a soldier in exactly 100 years.

Since Cupid is the Love Snake, he’s always happy to see people be in love, and that’s why he was so happy to see you kiss Georgia Gorgeous, a woman who is your dad in a wig.