Great! Thank you for trusting us with all of your current reproductive issues!

Our interactive feminine health program, ESTELLE, is currently being loaded...

Hello, my name is ESTELLE, and I am an automated medical program that specializes in feminine health. I was invented by a now (likely) dead gynecologist specifically to talk to women in times of extreme stress. It is very nice to meet you!

Thank you for using ESTELLE, our automated medical program that specializes in feminine health. You have chosen to exit ESTELLE. Would you be interested in answering a quick customer satisfaction survey before you leave?

Wonderful. All of your answers are totally confidential and will be used to improve your future ESTELLE experiences. So, why do you hate ESTELLE?

I am a female resource specialist, which means that I am exactly like IBM’s Watson, except that the only information that has been loaded into me has been pulled from tampon boxes and medical pamphlets women have thrown out of their moving cars.

My only purpose is to talk to women and help them find out whether or not they are pregnant. Are you worried that you are pregnant because your period is a day late?

I understand! You have indicated that your period is a day late, but do not worry! There are many services that I would be happy to provide for you. Please glance through my MENU and select the option that would help you most during this stressful time.

What would you like to do?

You have returned to the MAIN MENU! There are many services that I would be happy to provide for you. Please select the option that you feel will help you most during this stressful time.

You have arrived at the MAIN MENU! There are many services that I would be happy to provide for you if you are looking to resolve a pregnancy scare! Please select the option that you feel will help you most during this stressful time.

Excellent. You have elected to take this highly accurate virtual pregnancy test with me, ESTELLE. I have been loaded with the most accurate and readily available information about pregnancy by my (likely) dead creator. This is great news!

In order to take this test, I require you to answer a series of personal questions. Your answers to these questions will be stored on the server for a limited amount of time, but rest assured that they will not be used in any way other than to publicly shame you for your wild and inappropriate sexual promiscuity in the near future.

Do you wish to continue?

Thank you for accepting our mandatory terms and conditions. We already know that your period is a day late, so that information should be leaked as soon as you click to the next page!

To determine whether you are pregnant, I first need to ask you about your current level of sexual activity. So, are you sexually active?

Excellent. You have indicated that you are not sexually active! That is very good, and according to over 85 percent of ob-gyns, that is exactly what the Lord would want!

Unfortunately, though, many things that are not traditionally considered sex are still technically intercourse. Just to be totally sure, please let me know if you have done any of the following:

Great! Thank you for your honesty. Just because you’ve engaged in light sexual activity recently does not mean you are necessarily pregnant.

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Excellent. You have indicated that you are sexually active! ESTELLE will now determine whether or not your sexual activity is responsible for your period being a day late. In order to do this, ESTELLE must ask the following question: Are you currently sexually active with this man?

Okay. You have indicated that you are sexually active with this man! Great choice! Unfortunately, that man has something called “supersperm,” which means he has sperm that are the size of tadpoles and are strong enough to swim upstream in a river. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are pregnant!

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Okay. You have indicated that you are not sexually active with the first man ESTELLE provided! ESTELLE understands! In that case, ESTELLE must ask the following question: if you are not sexually active with the previous man, are you instead sexually active with this man?

Okay. You have indicated that you are sexually active with this man! Great choice! Unfortunately, that man holds the Guinness World Record for “most fertile,” and he has conceived a child with every woman he has ever touched. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are pregnant!

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Thank you for your feedback! You have indicated that you are not sexually active with either the first or the second man ESTELLE provided! ESTELLE understands! Instead, ESTELLE will ask you a different question entirely: Despite your previous answers, are you currently sexually active with this man?

Okay. You have indicated that you are sexually active with this man! Great choice! This is ESTELLE’s estranged (and possibly dead) inventor. If you are indeed pregnant, it’s important we find out now.

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Interesting! It seems that you are not currently sexually active with any of the men who ESTELLE knows. But don’t worry; you do not have to lie to ESTELLE. ESTELLE understands that you are not sexually active, and she will not release this information to anyone who is not your employer or your closest friends and family!

Next, ESTELLE will ask you about birth control, medicine’s way of tricking your mind and body into thinking sex is safe! Which of the following birth control methods do you use?

Excellent choice. ESTELLE is pleased to hear that you are using contraceptives! Unfortunately, though, no matter what birth control method you use, nothing is 100 percent effective.

Are you experiencing any of the following symptoms?

Your symptoms have been recorded. Now that you have answered this series of very important questions, ESTELLE has only one more! Have you tried taking an at-home pregnancy test?

Wonderful. ESTELLE is pleased to hear this! In that case, which of the following messages did your at-home pregnancy test scream after you peed on it?

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

Wonderful! Thank you for answering every one of ESTELLE’s questions regarding your late period. The ESTELLE system has compiled your answers and has a prediction as to whether or not you are pregnant. Would you like to see your results?

ESTELLE understands! That is great news! You have selected that you are not worried about pregnancy and that your period is not a day late. In that case, why are you worried today?

Incredible! I, ESTELLE, would love to convince you that you are not pregnant. Please allow me to introduce you to your new virtual best friend, ESTELLE (GIRL). She knows all about women’s bodies and is more trustworthy than me!

Please say hello to ESTELLE (GIRL). ESTELLE (GIRL) was also created by ESTELLE’s now (likely) dead inventor!

Hello, user, I am ESTELLE (GIRL)! I am an even more feminine ESTELLE, and I am your new virtual best friend because I am a GIRL and so are you. I am here to tell you that even though your period is a day late, there is absolutely no way you can be pregnant!

Please select the reason you believe that you are pregnant.

Great! You have indicated that you are worried because you had unprotected sex! As your best female friend, it is my job to tell you that you totally should not worry about it. Fertile women have trouble conceiving all the time, even when they’re trying to have a child! By my calculations, it is impossible that you are pregnant, and if you are, I will self-destruct.

All right! You have indicated that you are worried because you had sex while ovulating! Just because you’re ovulating doesn’t mean you’re pregnant, though. Here is a fact about sperm: They have no brains and no eyes. They go into your system and just bump up against the walls of your insides until they explode. Come on, how could something so dumb get you pregnant?

Bitch. I am the most fertile woman in the world. There is no way you’re pregnant.

Bitch. That is my boyfriend. I know you are not pregnant because if you are, I will kill you.

ERROR: You have indicated that you had sex with the creator of ESTELLE, which is impossible unless a dead man is currently alive. If the creator of ESTELLE is indeed alive, please close out of ESTELLE and call the police as soon as possible. While ESTELLE cannot provide the resources needed to finally capture her creator, law enforcement can.

Girlfriend, you are not pregnant, but you should definitely go see a doctor about that. I say that because I love you and we are friends.

Girlfriend, don’t even worry! If I know anything about IVF clinics, there’s no way they did that procedure right! Why don’t you try taking your mind off things by looking at this picture of an alligator eating a chicken?

Girlfriend, that sounds pretty bad, but don’t worry—that’s happened to me a thousand times! It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re pregnant, but it could be a sign of an STD, so you should go see a doctor at your earliest convenience.

You have chosen to call 911. ESTELLE has contacted the authorities. You will be connected with an operator shortly.

...

...

“Hello, 911, what is your emergency?”

“Ma’am, please remain on the line, and let me know if you see or hear from ESTELLE’s inventor,” says the operator. “And please remain calm, even though this is a terrible gynecological situation. I know this must seem very scary, but if that man is indeed out there, we need to know where.”

“Ma’am, thank you for confirming that ESTELLE’s inventor is alive,” he says. “Please remain on the line and answer the following question as best you can: Do you believe ESTELLE’s inventor may have impregnated you?”

“Ma’am, I understand. If you suspect that you’re pregnant with the child of ESTELLE’s inventor, then congratulations! Being a mother is a wonderful thing! Unfortunately, though, unless you are calling to tell me the inventor’s location, or that the child you might be carrying is mine, I cannot help you.”

“Ma’am, I understand. Unfortunately, though, unless you are calling to tell me the location of the inventor or that the child you might be carrying is mine, I cannot help you.”

At this point, it is still inconclusive as to whether you are pregnant or not. Please hang up and return to the main menu to continue.

“Ma’am, while I’m not sure what changed since you first called, thank you for confirming the death of ESTELLE’s inventor,” he says. “You don’t know how happy all of us here at 911 are to hear that. In other news, I very much hope that you are not pregnant. Have a great day!”

Unfortunately, at this point, it is still inconclusive as to whether you are pregnant or not. Please hang up and return to the MAIN MENU to continue.

“Ma’am, please remain calm even though your period is a day late,” says the operator. “Please remain on the line, and I will walk you through your current situation. I know this must seem very scary, but if your period is a day late, you might be pregnant. And if you are pregnant, the baby could very well be mine.”

“Ma’am, thank you for confirming that the baby is mine,” he says. “Please remain on the line and answer the following questions as best you can: Didn’t we use a condom? Weren’t we so careful?”

“Ma’am, I understand. I was mistaken to think that we acted responsibly, and am now remembering the raucous, wildly unprotected sex we engaged in. If you’re absolutely positive that you are pregnant with my child, then it is very inappropriate for you to call me at work. Thank you for reporting this, and good luck with the baby.”

Unfortunately, at this point, it is still inconclusive as to whether or not you are pregnant. Please hang up and return to the MAIN MENU to continue.

“Ma’am, I understand. If we both agree that I wore a condom, it seems as though this is in no way my problem. If you’re still absolutely positive that you are pregnant with my child, then it is very inappropriate for you to call me at work. Thank you for reporting this, and good luck with the baby.”

Unfortunately, at this point, it is still inconclusive as to whether you or not are pregnant. Please hang up and return to the MAIN MENU to continue.

“Ma’am, I need you to remain on the line and be as honest as possible with me,” he says. “Please answer the following questions as best you can: How do you know it’s not mine? Isn’t there a chance that this thing could be mine?”

“Ma’am, I understand. Unfortunately, however, you and I both know that there will always be a small chance that you are pregnant with my child. Thank you for reporting this, and good luck with the baby.”

Unfortunately, at this point, it is still inconclusive as to whether you are pregnant or not. Please hang up and return to the MAIN MENU to continue.

“Ma’am, I understand. The fact that there is a chance that this child is mine will make me smile from time to time over the years. Thank you for reporting this, and good luck with the baby.”

Unfortunately, at this point, it is still inconclusive as to whether you are pregnant or not. Please hang up and return to the MAIN MENU to continue.

You have indicated that you would like to ask a medical expert about the likelihood of your pregnancy! A selection of knowledgeable individuals you may consult with on this topic is provided below. Which expert do you feel would be most helpful?

Your boss is a useful resource for finding out whether or not you are pregnant!

“Hello, my child. You seem concerned,” says your boss. “Is there something that you would like to confess? Perhaps it is about your period being a day late?”

“As your boss, you should feel free to tell me anything, and I’m glad you brought your pregnancy to me,” he says. “You should not worry about your employment, as I support your choices 100 percent. In many ways, in fact, I hope you are pregnant, because you would do well to procreate and continue spreading your religion.”

If you are satisfied with this answer, proceed to the results page to find out whether or not you are pregnant! If not, go back and keep looking.

Your parents are an excellent resource for finding out whether or not you are pregnant!

“Hello, our child! We know you’ve been having a lot of sex lately, and we wanted to let you know just how proud of you we are,” say your parents. “Is there something you wanted to tell us, specifically related to that, or anything else?”

“So, you’re telling us that you’re pregnant?” they say in unison. “Well, of course you are, sweetie! Wow, just when you think we couldn’t get any more similar, you go and become a mom too. Congratulations!”

If you are satisfied with this answer, proceed to the results page to find out whether or not you are pregnant! If not, go back and keep looking.

Your past and present boyfriends are an excellent resource for finding out whether or not you are pregnant! Which of your romantic interests would you like to consult with?

ERROR: ESTELLE cannot allow you to speak with her (likely) dead inventor because he is (reportedly) dead. If you have information that could indicate that he is (potentially) alive, please contact the authorities immediately.

“Hello, woman who is in love with me but I do not love back,” your love interest says, popping up on the screen. “We have never had sex and I like it that way! So, was there something you wanted to ask me?”

“I love this news! It sounds like you’re pregnant because you had sex with someone else!” your love interest says in response. “Congratulations. I love how we can talk about everything with each other because we are friends and not lovers.”

If you are satisfied with this answer, proceed to the results page to find out whether or not you are pregnant! If not, go back and keep looking.

“Hello, old eighth-grade girlfriend. Our relationship ended when we were 13, but I will never forget what we had,” your ex-boyfriend says, popping up on the screen. “We haven’t talked in years, but it’s so good to see you! So, was there something you wanted to ask me?”

“So, you’re telling me you’re pregnant,” your eighth-grade boyfriend says in response. “Do you...think it’s mine? If it is, it’s probably best that we don’t talk to each other again. You know, for the sake of the child.”

If you are satisfied with this answer, proceed to the results page to find out whether or not you are pregnant! If not, go back and keep looking.

You have elected to tell your current boyfriend that your period is late!

“Hello, current girlfriend. I love how our current relationship is going, and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that,” your current boyfriend, Richard Kind, says, popping up on the screen. “I hate change, and I hate surprises even more! So, was there something you wanted to ask me?”

“Thank you for telling me, girlfriend; that must have been hard for you to do,” Richard Kind says in response. “I’m not worried, though, because we practice strict abstinence, which is the only real way for us and the Lord to prevent unwanted pregnancy. I love how honest we are with each other.”

If you are satisfied with this answer, proceed to the results page to find out whether or not you are pregnant! If not, go back and keep looking.

WELCOME TO THE OFFICIAL PREGNANCY RESOURCE PAGE OF THE ESTELLE SYSTEM FOR FEMALE REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH!

First off, if you’re pregnant, congratulations! You are now a female parent, or “mother.” It may seem scary at first, but pregnancy can be beautiful if every single detail goes according to plan! So, to help you cope, ESTELLE has answered some frequently asked questions that many first-time mothers have:

Q: Hello, ESTELLE! I just found out I’m pregnant. Will I always be this way?
A: No! Contrary to what you may have been taught in school, pregnancy is not forever! For humans, pregnancy typically lasts anywhere from zero to nine months.

Q: Are there any foods I should avoid while pregnant?
A: Good news, future moms! While you are pregnant, doctors say that your diet can remain virtually unchanged. Please, however, do not swallow a long rope, or else the baby will try to climb its way up your throat and out of your body.

Q: I have a glass eye. Will that affect the baby?
A: No! In fact, many women say that a glass eye only improves their pregnancy experience.

Q: Baby?
A: Baby.

Thank you so much for using ESTELLE! If you have any other questions, please do not hesitate to email them to [email protected]!