You can’t remember. Oh well.

Here are your good friends sharing a laugh at someone else’s expense.

You are far enough away that your two friends don’t see you while you observe them.

Don is eating, and Roger is talking.

Roger calls over the waiter.

Roger goes to take a drink. Don hums all the notes on the piano from memory.

“To yourself, Roger is in charge,” you mutter. This is great.

The waiter comes over, and Roger says something to him.

Don and Roger laugh as they remember what close friends the three of you are.

You laugh and cry with happiness from where you stand, 20 feet from their table. It’s Don and Roger and you, together as usual.

“To yourself, nice restaurant,” you murmur pleasurably. You could shout, you are so happy.

Roger goes to take a drink. Don tries to summon a dog by humming a very high note.

“To yourself, quietly, my friends Don and Roger,” you say to a nearby couple eating dinner, who completely ignore you.

Roger calls the waiter over.

Roger says something to the waiter that you can’t hear.

You shout hello too loudly, which causes Roger to accidentally swallow a delicious olive from his drink, and it makes him sick right away.

You tell a great joke about Hungarians. Roger laughs so hard that he crumbles the sickness to dust inside him. Nice job! Roger napkins himself.

“Thank you. I almost died.”

It’s your friend Don Draper.

Roger is sick from an olive.

Your friend Roger is getting sicker and sicker from the olive he swallowed.

Roger rips off his shirt and collapses to the floor. He is very sick from the delicious olive.

You eat an oyster.

Roger rips off his shirt and collapses to the floor. He is very sick from the delicious olive.

You go up to your friends Don and Roger. The three of you are always engaging in friendly competition, and tonight at the oyster restaurant will be no different—no matter how close you are with them, you want to eat more oysters than Don Draper and Roger Sterling. It’s very important to you.

You arrive table-side.

“Well, look who finally decided to show! Remind me who are you again?” Roger jokes. Of course he knows who you are.

“Right you are. It’s like we always say at times like these: Life is a baseball game...”

“...friendship is the scoreboard...”

Roger and Don both look to you to close it out.

You pause dramatically. Roger and Don both look at you expectantly, hanging on to your every dramatic second of pause.

Roger and Don laugh long and strong.

Roger and Don are still laughing long and strong.

“Spoken like a true friend,” says Roger.

He points at you as if to add, “You are my friend.”

Roger keeps pointing at you.

Here’s Don. Don is thinking about a boat race.

“Well, I haven’t started,” Roger says. “I at least had the decency to wait for you. How many are you on, Don?”

“Roger,” says Don, “I have totally lost track.”

“Call it 10,” he adds with the evenhanded acumen of Saint Peter.

All three of you are laughing.

Don has eaten 10 more oysters than you.

Roger has eaten the same number of oysters as you.

You smile. After a few seconds, Roger eats an oyster.

You eat an oyster too. Roger eats another oyster. You can’t keep up with him like this.

You’re at dinner with your friends Don Draper and Roger Sterling. It feels like it’s time for a speech.

Don has eaten nine more oysters than you.

You have eaten one more oyster than Roger.

“Gentlemen, glad to be here at this fantastic restaurant yet again. It’s been too long. Or hasn’t it been long enough? Haha. One thing everyone should know about me is that I love sitting at this table with you. I’m in advertising, of course, but I was fired from the whole of Madison Avenue today for aggressively pushing my idea of an ad for fantastic restaurants in general, and for spending time with close friends in restaurants…”

You continue your speech for a while. Don and Roger eat some oysters.

You’re still at dinner with Don and Roger.

You are all three smoking on your cigarettes. Your bodies metabolize the smoke into thoughts. You have a couple of insights about power and one about women’s lipstick, but you forget them on purpose.

Don has eaten nine more oysters than you.

Roger has eaten the same number of oysters as you.

Roger hates the oyster.

You’re still at dinner with Roger and Don.

Don has eaten nine more oysters than you.

Roger has eaten one more oyster than you.

Don eats an oyster too. This guy is a bottomless pit.

Don eats two oysters too. This guy is a machine.

Don really likes the oyster.

Don has eaten 10 more oysters than you.

Roger has eater one more oyster than you.

“Enough oysters. Let’s have a song,” Don suggests.

“Tell me something,” Don says after 10 minutes of complete silence.

“Do you know what they say about shells?”

“They say that if you put a shell to your ear, you can hear the sea.”

“But it’s a lie. All you’re hearing is the idea of the sea, an idea that’s being shouted at you by microscopic snails that are too small to see with the naked eye. Look through a microscope, though, and there they are, all over the lobster shell—thousands of snails vying to grow big enough to seize the vacant throne.”

“Imagine a special phone, Roger.”

“It’s a phone that rings. You go to pick it up, and you put it next to your ear, but what comes out isn’t the news that your brother is dead, or the nagging voice of someone you used to love, but simply...”

Uh-oh, it looks like Don’s incredibly vivid advertising pitch is whisking you away to a halcyon past.

“...the sound of the sea.”

“You could listen to the sea at will.”

“All the time.”

“For hours and hours.”

“You could listen to the waves forever, wherever you are.”

“And you could imagine...”

“...that you are where the water is.”

Don thinks with his eyes closed for a little while longer.

“Well, that’s my idea for a phone.”

Roger pauses.

“Ah, yes. When it comes to phones, I...”

“I’m...great with phones,” says Roger.

What an enigma Roger is.

You’re at dinner with your friends Don and Roger, sitting in silence with your thoughts.

You have eaten 60 more oysters than Don.

You have eaten 70 more oysters than Roger.

You say your thing about the golden age of TV. Don and Roger gaze around blankly and drink.

You go on for a while about the antihero and the rebirth of storytelling. Roger and Don eat a lot of oysters the whole time.

“Well, gentlemen, it’s been fun,” you say.

“But I really must be gone. Get up to leave,” you say with a grin that shows you know who ate the most oysters today.

You wrap up your speech. You are still at dinner.

Don has eaten 19 more oysters than you.

Roger has eaten 10 more oysters than you.

Don picks up an oyster to demonstrate something.

“We don’t sell shellfish,” he says with a wild twinkle in his eye.

“We sell the shell,” he adds, and the truth of his words makes you go near crazy with pleasure.

“Shelling out for selfishness, if you ask me,” says Roger. Don stares at him with a blank expression.

The three of you share a big laugh for no reason.

You wolf down some oysters as Don and Roger gaze around blankly.

“Here’s the question,” says Don, reaching for an oyster.

“Why eat a lobster...” he asks with the air of a tenured professor.

“...when you can simply stash it in your pocket?”

Don continues the lesson.

“Let me show you that one more time,” Don says. “The oyster...”

“...goes into the pocket.”

Your friend is a treasure.

You eat four oysters as Don continues the lesson.

Your friend is truly a treasure.

“Don’t eat any more oysters,” says Roger as he reaches for an oyster.

Don also reaches for an oyster.

Don and Roger eat oysters as you look on.

You can’t. Roger restrains you.

Don Draper begins signing to the tune of “The Ants Go Marching”:

“Today I ate a lobster tray with you.”

“Three ways we split a lobster tray for two.”

“A lobster tray for two we split by three!”

“The king was there and the queen was there and the emperor’s seventy sons were there!”

“And they watched us eat the lobsters that came on a tray.”

“Ooh, ooh, nooh,” Roger mumbles tunelessly.