That’s right! You’re this guy and you’re also Benedict Arnold. You shoot a gun and ride a horse for America during the First Annual Revolutionary War. Your peers respect you, all of the Founding Fathers say things like “Now that’s one good adult” when your name gets mentioned, and you’ve never committed the crime of treason. You’ve got it all.

But that’s about to change.

You see, yesterday was a very big day for you. You saw this advertisement for treason and haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. You even had a dream where you wrote “TREASON = GOOD, CLEAN TREASON” in some beach sand, and upon waking up, a taste that can only be described as smooth, sandy treason was in your mouth.

Yep. You’ve got a full-blown desire to commit treason up in your brain, and it’s not going away. The wheels of history have begun to turn, and they’re making the noise that means history is going to happen soon.

Over the course of your life, there have been four major events that planted the seeds of treason in your brain. Imagine that the advertisement for treason you saw yesterday was water, and the four seeds of treason are four treason seeds. When you dump water on four seeds, a flower blooms—and in this case, it’s a Treason Flower.

Simply put, there’s a Treason Flower in your body right now, and it’s impossible to rip out no matter how strong or powerful your hands are.

Would you like a refresher as to the four treason seeds of your life?

The first treason seed arrived in your skull when you got chased home from school by this patriotic husband and wife duo every day for eight years.

Okay! How would you like to respond to Great Britain’s advertisement for treason?

Seventeen seventy-three. The Boston Tea Party. Your second treason seed came in 1773 during the Boston Tea Party.

You were there dressed as an Indian and were so into it that you asked people to call you “The Indian Version Of Benedict Arnold.” Unfortunately, someone thought you said “I’m tea, from England” and threw you into Boston Harbor by mistake.

The harbor was cold and full of bugs, many of which you had to swallow to survive. If the Boston Tea Party had never happened, this almost certainly would have been avoided.

The third treason seed occurred during the Battle of Saratoga, when you saw the American soldiers spending most of their time making a cannon do this. They still won the battle, but it marked the first time that you thought maybe the Continental Army deserves to get beaten very badly.

The fourth and final seed of treason was lodged in your body two fortnights ago—the equivalent of four American weeks. You were in your tent having a nightmare about how great 21st-century medicine will be, when all of a sudden you were awoken by a shadow. It was a rogue bugle boy’s shadow, and after a few minutes of standing still, he lifted his bugle and blasted a song. When he finally finished 45 minutes later, he croaked, “That was ‘Treachery’s Jaunt (The Remix Of The Rogue Bugle Boy),’ and oh, it is now your favorite song, Benedict Arnold.”

Whoa, for sure.

So that’s how it happened. You got chased by two people in love, and then you got thrown into the Boston Harbor, and then some troops convinced a cannon to scream “21,” and then a rogue bugle boy told you that your favorite song was “Treachery’s Jaunt (The Remix Of The Rogue Bugle Boy).” When you saw the advertisement yesterday, you were totally powerless, and now you want nothing more than to become the most hated person in American history.

Okay! How would you like to respond to Great Britain’s advertisement for treason?

Great! It’s the 18th century, so one of the only forms of communication is the Communication Bell. By ringing the Bell in such a way that it tells the country of Great Britain you’re a tiny American male who wants to commit the crime of treason, you have let Great Britain know that you are a tiny American male interested in committing the crime of treason.

All you’ve got to do now is receive an acceptance letter and you’ll be on your way!

Ouch. That’s rough. How do you want to go about getting an acceptance letter?

Great! You are now one step closer to betraying your country, and that’s something you want to do.

You tell the army that you’re taking the day off from shooting your gun and riding your horse, and swim out to King George III’s royal houseboat. It’s located 15 miles off the New Jersey coast, and you have to take constant breaks and swallow hundreds of bugs to stay alive, but eventually, you finally make it, and it feels fine.

The only thing under King George III’s houseboat is his previous houseboat, which sunk after he bought a bowling ball.

There he is, the man and king himself. It’s none other than King George III, a guy who makes George Washington and his friends shoot their guns, sitting on a throne.

“Aha! Hello, and welcome to my oceanic castle!” King George III says into his microphone. “I hate that the colonies are mad at me, and I am worried that they would not care if today was my birthday! If today was my birthday, the colonies would probably say something like ‘Who gives a shit?’ or ‘The hell with that nonsense!’ How terrible! B16!”

Oh wow. The king seems pretty upset. Say something to cheer him up.

“That’s incredible news! When I look at you right now, I realize that you MUST be Benedict Arnold, and Benedict Arnold is the man who’s going to be committing the crime of treason against America for Great Britain. Currently, Great Britain is known as the country that is going to have the Beatles, but we also want to be known as the country that wins the First Annual Revolutionary War. Oh, this makes me feel good. So, do you have any ideas for committing treason against your home country of America?”

Looks like that cheered him up! Anyway, what sort of treasonous plan is currently making itself known to you in your brain?

“That soda can thing sounds like an amazing idea for treason!” says King George III. “My wife, the queen—isn’t that an amazing idea for treason?”

“That battle thing sounds like an amazing idea for treason!” says King George III. “My wife, the queen—isn’t that an amazing idea for treason?”

“That hole thing sounds like an amazing idea for treason!” says King George III. “My wife, the queen—isn’t that an amazing idea for treason?”

“That Ben Franklin thing sounds like an amazing idea for treason!” says King George III. “My wife, the queen—isn’t that an amazing idea for treason?”

“That animal thing sounds like a pretty poor idea for treason!” says King George III. “My wife, the queen—isn’t that a pretty poor idea for treason?”

“Hello!” screams the queen. “Honestly, that idea for treason seems fine! B16!”

Incredible. The royal marital duo loves your idea for treason, and now it’s time to go through with it.

There’s nothing America currently loves more than the Declaration of Independence. It’s the document that really gets people going, and the most popular hobby nationwide is reading the Declaration to a crowd of thousands and receiving a standing ovation.

Were the Declaration to be stolen and crushed on your Benedict Arnold’s head like a soda can, surely it would be an act of treason unlike any seen in America’s little, small, and tiny history.

The Declaration of Independence currently lives in Philadelphia at The House Where All The Founding Fathers Live Together. The House Where All The Founding Fathers Live Together is, simply put, the place where all the guys are. Even people like Alexander Hamilton are there.

So, what mode of transportation would you like to use to get to Philadelphia and commit a truly incredible amount of treason?

Here you are. The House Where All The Founding Fathers Live Together.

It’s late, so they should all be sleeping soundly in the same big bed. Looks like the only way to enter without making a ruckus is to sneak in through the pool, so yeah—you’re going to have to get a little wet.

“Benedict Arnold!” you shout as you dive in.

The pool is cold. Now, you famously don’t mind the cold (Thomason, Paul. “Benedict Arnold And His Feelings On The Cold.” Tungsten Publishing, 1982.), so that’s not too big a deal. But equally famously, you don’t know how to swim very well (Thomason, Bertram. “Benedict Arnold And How He Swam.” Tungsten Publishing, 1984). That means it’s going to take you a little while before you reach the door on the other side of the pool—that is, if you make it at all.

Oh, wow. You really have no idea how to swim. You’re flailing and splashing and screaming, and you have to hope that if anyone was awake, they would’ve come out to save you by now.

This is terrible to watch. You’ve tucked your legs into your stomach like you’re doing a cannonball, except for some reason you think that this is how you’re supposed to swim. It’s a miracle you haven’t drowned yet, now or at any other point in your life.

You are forced to eat some bugs just to stay alive.

These two have every right to laugh at you.

You made it! To the pool door! It took 45 minutes for you to get here, and you spent pretty much all of those minutes on the verge of drowning, but all that is in the past! You’ve got a Declaration of Independence to steal and crush on your head like a soda can.

Oh, goddamn it.

“A mighty hello to our very close friend Benedict Arnold!” shout all the Founding Fathers at once. “You are soaking wet with pool water, and what an incredible treat it is to see you in our home we all share together!”

“We heard you scream your own name as you jumped in the pool!” they all shout at once. “In the big bed we all share together, we looked at each other in excitement, and then we all jumped out of the big bed we all share together and ran to the window and pressed our historic faces up against the glass at the same time to see if it really was you, our friend, and it was you, our friend! You are such a good patriot, and an even better friend.”

It’s going to be tough to steal the Declaration of Independence with these guys awake, but you have to do it. They’re currently nodding at each other in agreement over what they just said, so use this time to slink away and poke around.

On this October night, there’s no sign of the Declaration of Independence in the Founders’ living room.

Doesn’t look like there’s a Declaration of Independence to steal here in the kitchen.

Looks like the Declaration of Independence had to be taken out of the Declaration of Independence room so the janitor could practice mopping up one cup of coffee.

It’s gotta be around here somewhere.

There it is! Looks like one of the dopier Founding Fathers left it behind. What an exciting blunder that will potentially change the course of American history for good!

Shit.

“Yes! Benedict Arnold, one of my closest and dearest friends from America! I’m so glad I caught you!” says George Washington, the man who is your boss when you shoot your gun and ride your horse. “I was at my other house with my wife named Martha, but as soon as I heard that you were here, I just had to come by! Say, is that the Declaration of Independence you’re holding and taking with you?”

“Oh, of course it’s the Declaration of Independence that you’re holding and taking from the house I share with the other Founding Fathers!” shouts George. “Nothing says ‘I love the new country of America’ quite like holding the document that made the country come into existence. What an incredible show of patriotism from one incredible patriot! Benedict Arnold, you are a good friend, and also, hey, keep up the great work being my employee in the army.”

Get the hell out of there.

When it’s finally morning, you walk to the center of Philadelphia, clutching the Declaration tightly against your tiny stomach. People naturally begin to crowd around you because of who you are and what you’re clutching, and eventually there is a crowd of thousands, ready to watch what they assume is another classic patriotic act from an American hero.

“Benedict Arnold is definitely one of my closest friends!” shouts Thomas Jefferson. “He is holding the Declaration of Independence the way anyone who loves America would!”

“When I think about Benedict Arnold, a smile where I reveal a few dozen of my teeth shows up on my face!” yells Samuel Adams.

“Benedict Arnold is the mailman, and his mail is never being deceitful!” screams Paul Revere.

“I am going to crush this on my forehead,” you say. “I am going to crush the Declaration of Independence on my forehead like a soda can.”

You stare at the ground for a couple of minutes, and then roll the Declaration up into a tight scroll, holding it parallel to your forehead.

You crush the Declaration of Independence on your forehead like a soda can, and the crowd goes absolutely insane.

“He’s making the Declaration of Independence get really close to his brain, and that’s patriotic!” shouts a man who had an apple for breakfast.

“This inspires me and someone else to make the Constitution in, like, 10 years or so!” shout James Madison and Alexander Hamilton at the same time. They then begin punching and smiling at each other.

“After viewing this wonderful crushing, I have decided to give birth to none other than the legendary Abraham Lincoln!” shouts Nancy Lincoln.

Something has not gone according to plan.

You crush the Declaration of Independence so hard that it now looks like this, but the crowd cheers louder than anything you’ve ever heard before in your life, including the time you slammed a door. Pretty much everyone is screaming about how great it is that the Declaration of Independence got close to your brain, and that’s just no good.

It also seems like you have inspired the Constitution and Abraham Lincoln into existence, and that’s pretty much committing the opposite of the crime of treason, as far as committing the crime of treason is concerned.

Any other ideas for treason currently making themselves known to you?

“Hello!” screams the queen. “Honestly, that idea for treason seems fine! B16!”

Incredible. The royal marital duo loves your idea for treason, and now it’s time to go through with it.

From ocean to ocean, from sea to sea, surely no army is more feared throughout the 18th-century globe than the Red British Army of England. Nicknamed “The Big Red Machine,” these guys have made their name killing their enemies and winning a couple of wars along the way. Can you imagine how good they’ll be with you on their side?

“Hello, Benedict Arnold,” says General Howe. “It’s an honor that a patriot like you is willing to commit treason. As far as I see it, you’ll be the guy who kills Americans. That sound good to you?”

“Great!” says General Howe, looking off into the distance. “The Americans are fast approaching, and that can only mean one thing: It’s time for a goddamn battle of war.”

General Howe spits an entire mouthful of chewing tobacco onto the ground and then sprints away. This can only mean one thing: It’s time for a battle of war.

You slipped on General Howe’s chewing tobacco and got this bruise.

Medicine is really awful right now, so hopefully it doesn’t turn into anything...worse.

Once both national anthems have been sung, war will begin.

The national anthems end and the battle begins, and two people immediately die. Before you can even load your musket, you hear the following:

“Is that…Benedict Arnold, from America, on the British side?”

“No…it can’t be. He’d never commit the crime of treason. If he’s over there, he’s undercover.”

“Ah, let me squint my eyes and get a closer look…it is! Holy shit, it is! Benedict Arnold’s gone undercover! Hell yeah! Hell yeah, Benedict Arnold!”

The entirety of the Continental Army is now waving at you and screaming stuff like “Undercover Benedict!”

You flipped off all your friends during a battle of war, and they got so happy that they shot their guns out of celebration. Ugh.

So, you’re on the battlefield. What do you want to do?

War is hell.

War is hell.

War is hell.

Throughout the First Annual Revolutionary War, few things have been more effective than filling this thing up with a ball and making it explode.

Because of your actions with that ball, dozens of Americans died. Some of them were your friends, some of them were just innocent bystanders trying to watch a good battle of war, and you have to imagine that one or two of them were your family members. It’s hard to imagine a more gruesome way of betraying your country.

What would you like to shout in celebration as you continue to do this over and over again?

“Christ, is he good at being undercover. Only Benedict Arnold could be this good at being undercover!”

“Many, many of our people died because of Benedict Arnold’s act of heroism. Not too bad, old friend. Not too bad!”

“He kills us because he loves us, and when you really think about it, that is the opposite of treason!”

This guy rides his horse at you and then jumps off his horse, which runs straight into the woods.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Mr. Undercover Benedict Arnold himself!” says George Washington, your American boss. “You’re doing a hell of a job being undercover, Benedict. I didn’t even know you were undercover, but whatever! You’ve killed hundreds of our men, and the British don’t suspect a thing!”

“Haha, okay, Benedict, SURE you are.” George gives you a wink as if to say “good joke,” but you were not joking. Suddenly, an American soldier walks up to the two of you.

“Mr. Washington? I have reason to believe that this man, Benedict Arnold, is not undercover. In fact, I believe that he is NOT undercover. He’s killed, like, so many of our guys, and no British guys. Haven’t you noticed that whenever he kills one of our guys, he pumps his fist and mouths ‘That’s a-okay by me’?”

George Washington picks the soldier up over his head and heads for the woods. “What a crazy thing to say, right? I’m gonna throw this guy in the river and see what happens. Well, keep up the great work, Benedict Arnold. I’m so glad you’re loyal, unlike my last colonel, who was a real Benedict Arnold. Anyway, you’re my good friend, and goodbye!”

You look at the carnage you’ve caused and hear American soldiers talking about how great you are at being undercover. This idea for treason clearly isn’t going too great.

“You gotta go!” says General Howe. “These Americans are getting excited that they’re dying because they think it’s part of some plan. You’re somehow boosting their morale, and it’s freaking all our guys out! I think it’s time for you to leave, even though you’re committing what should be so much treason. Sorry, Benedict Arnold.”

Well, this has been a bust. Want to go after committing the crime of treason in a much different and hopefully better way?

“Hello!” screams the queen. “Honestly, that idea for treason seems fine! B16!”

Incredible. The royal marital duo loves your idea for treason, and now it’s time to go through with it.

You have decided to commit the crime of treason by digging a hole in the ground. Welcome to the ground, a place where you can dig a hole.

How would you like to dig?

The Shovel Method is one of the best ways to dig a hole, so you should have yourself one of them (a hole) in no time.

Look at you go! You’re digging a real good hole, and hopefully it will get you accused of treason.

Looks like you’re all done. Nice hole you’ve got there!

Oh no, why did you keep digging? You had finished your hole! Oh goddamn it. God damn it all! What the fuck is this place?

“I don’t really know, Benedict Arnold,” says the adult man. “I was digging a hole 30 years ago and dug too much. I’ve been down here ever since.”

You dip your bare and treasonous hands into the cool, 18th-century earth and get to work.

Looks like you’re all done. Nice hole you got there!

You begin blowing on the ground in order to dig a hole. It’s working brilliantly and taking forever.

Looks like you’re all done. Nice hole you’ve got there!

A nearby farmer sprints out of his farm.

“Benedict Arnold? Is that you?” asks the farmer. “Of course it’s you! And you made a hole! The American hero himself, digging a hole so close to my farm where I grow eggs and a hen. What’s up?”

“Treason?” asks the farmer, who is now joined by this wife. “Like the crime? I’m afraid I don’t understand. You’re famous for loving your country and being friends with all the Founding Fathers, so that means you don’t do things like treason. Also, haha, how is this treason? It’s just a hole!”

“My...my God. Benedict Arnold, an enemy of the colonies?” says the farmer, who has dropped his eggs and hen on the ground out of emotion. “Honey, get on my back. Honey, get on my back RIGHT NOW!”

The farmer and his wife sprint away, as it is clear that what you said made their day just a little bit worse.

Soon enough, what can only be described as an anti-treason mob gathers around you and your hole.

“Say it ain’t so, Benedict Arnold!” screams a small boy. “Say the rumors about you and your treasonous hole aren’t true. I had a poster of you! A goddamn, honest-to-god poster!”

“Gahhh! I trusted you so much!” shouts Thomas Paine. “You were a friend, and one time we promised to never betray America because we believed in its values and principles! This hole—come on now!”

“Aha! Nice job on the hole!” shouts King George III, who gets kicked in the shins so hard that he throws up.

“I, in particular, hate what you did most of all!” says this man.

“Benedict Arnold, my former good friend, I am so, so pissed off and disappointed in you for making this hole,” says George Washington, the man who is your boss when you shoot your gun and ride your house for the new country of America during the First Annual Revolutionary War. “How could you do this to me and the country of America? Don’t you know what committing a crime like treason means?”

“This is just terrible. We were really good friends, and I thought of you as a parent or really good child, you know? To just go and do something like this is really upsetting. When I’m president in about a decade or so, you can be sure that I’m still going to be bummed out about this. Ah, but then again, this isn’t all your fault, of course. I don’t really believe in free will, as you remember. There were probably outside factors, like your environment or your genetics, that made this happen. Like, I’m sure there was something like four treason seeds that bloomed a Treason Flower inside of you. You know, stuff out of your control. Still doesn’t make me any less frustrated, though. Oh well. Guess that’s my problem.”

“Anyway, you are now the most hated man in American history, and you must be punished. Since it’s your first time committing treason, I punish you with a $250 fine and 10 hours of community service, to be paid and done over the course of the next 30 years. Also, you are allowed to move to England if you want. That’s a punishment, because I don’t like England.”

“Aha! Benedict Arnold, I’m on my royal houseboat, and I’m the king, and I heard the good news!” shouts King George III into his microphone. “I was also there, and the mob really hurt me! You just betrayed your country and your friends and became hated for the remainder of recorded history. B16!”

“Aha! Yes! Hmm, the jewels and eggs. Well, what you have to understand, Benedict Arnold, is the following thing: There were never any jewels and eggs. I don’t know why I lied, but I did. Sometimes people just lie, you know? Oh well.”

“Aha! Wonderful! Oh, and I’m not sure your treason will win us the First Annual Revolutionary War, either. We’ve got a whole bunch of problems, and I’m not convinced that your hole, as treasonous as it might be, will fix them. For example, did you know that a lot of our guys have been dying and getting hurt? It’s real bad. I think we’re going to lose. Oh well. At least we still have the Beatles in a few centuries. Anyway, thanks for committing treason for me! If you want to stick around, grab a game board and sit next to my wife, the queen.”

“Hello!” screams the queen. “Honestly, that idea for treason seems fine! B16!”

Incredible. The royal marital twosome of Great Britain love your idea for treason, and now it’s time to go through with it.

Benjamin Franklin: One of the most important 5-foot-9 men in American history. Driving him insane would surely be a huge blow to America, as it needs him to do things like think up a saying about a bird or a poor man.

How would you like to make him lose his mind? As you are well aware, it’s the time when it’s the 18th century, so your options for inducing insanity are pretty limited. There are currently only two ways to make people go insane: dressing up like them and convincing them that two of them exist, or repeatedly throwing rocks at their window while they try to sleep.

What will it be?

Great choice! You’re going to dress up like Ben Franklin and make him think that there are two Ben Franklins. It’s going to drive him up a goddamn wall.

The guy, Ben Franklin, is in France right now on special assignment for the U.S. telling every French citizen that “It honestly seems like America is at war with its mom or even its dad.” So, basically, if you want to drive Ben Franklin up a goddamn wall, you’re going to have to do something like, for example, go to France.

It took six hours, but you finally made it to France. There’s no time to imagine what it would look like if the Eiffel Tower existed, so tell this man who owns a store what you need to commit treason, and move on.

You’re in France, and you got there in a fast way. That’s so great and all, but there’s still just no time to imagine what it would look like if the Eiffel Tower existed. Tell this man who owns a store what you need to commit treason, and move on.

Great choice! You’re going to throw rocks at Ben Franklin’s window while he’s trying to sleep, and it’s going to drive him up a goddamn wall.

The guy, Ben Franklin, is in France right now, on special assignment for the U.S telling every French citizen that “It honestly seems like America is at war with its mom or even its dad.” So, basically, if you want to drive Ben Franklin up a goddamn wall, you’re going to have to do something like, for example, go to France.

You’re in France, and you got there in a fast way. Incredible.

And would you look at this! Pretty much as soon as you stepped off the mode of transportation you took to get here, you found a whole bunch of rocks to throw at Ben Franklin’s window. Awesome.

It took six hours, but you finally made it to France.

And would you look at this! Pretty much as soon as you stepped off the mode of transportation you took to get here, you found a whole bunch of rocks to throw at Ben Franklin’s window. Awesome.

There it is: Ben Franklin’s French house.

It’s nighttime, so he is almost certainly asleep in a bed. After all, this is the man who is the inventor of the most popular phrase in America right now, “When the moon is in the sky, I’m going to be in a bed, or on the floor if my bed has some stuff on it. When the sun is in the sky, I will be out of bed.”

Time to make history.

There it is: Ben Franklin’s French house.

It’s nighttime, so he is almost certainly asleep in a bed. After all, this is the man who is the inventor of what is currently the most popular phrase in America, “When the moon is in the sky, I’m going to be in a bed, or on the floor if my bed has some stuff on it. When the sun is in the sky, I will be out of bed.”

Time to make history.

But Ben Franklin is not inside, because he is right behind you, doing this.

“What am I going to hate to—oh...oh my God,” says Ben Franklin. “That...is me.”

“But...if I am...Ben Franklin...and you are...also Ben Franklin...then who am...I? Me...but also...you too...Ben Franklin...electric man...now...electric...MEN?...It can’t be...it mustn’t be....”

Ben Franklin waves at you and you wave at the same time, and he screams. One of the most important men in the world right now is sweating like someone who got locked on the sun, and it looks like you’re about to fulfill your destiny of committing treason and ruining America. Nice!

Oh no. When you spun around, you did it so fast that your entire costume flew off your body and into the French night. Now, you stand nude in front of Ben Franklin.

“Hello, Benedict Arnold, my old friend from America who I haven’t seen in so long because I live in France and Europe now!” shouts Ben Franklin, who at the sight of you has gone back to normal, completely forgetting that he was just moments away from having a mental breakdown. “I have missed seeing you! Say, would you mind helping me invent something real quick?”

Goddamn it.

You throw rocks for what seems like hours, but Ben Franklin has yet to open his window to scream “Goddamn it, I’m fucking insane now!” In fact, there’s been no reaction from him at all. Ben Franklin must be the soundest sleeper in the entire 18th-century world, or he must be dead. Either way, this doesn’t seem to be working.

But then, all of a sudden, you hear a familiar voice.

“Benedict Arnold?” says a voice. “Benedict Arnold, my American friend! Dear God, is that really you?”

It’s Ben Franklin, and his smile is as electric as the thing he discovered.

“Benedict Arnold, it is you! You’re my old friend and pal from America! I can’t believe it is you, here, in the flesh, with your clothes and your wig and your wonderful shirt too, right here in Europe! Ah! This is fantastic, simply fantastic! Come here and give me a hug!”

“Were you trying to get my attention with these rocks so I would wake up and come outside and play? Brilliant idea, Benedict Arnold! I was actually out late with these guys trying to do more stuff with lightning. Sure, they’re more naked than I’d like them to be, but what are you going to do, right?”

Ben doesn’t seem to be driven insane by your rock throwing, and in fact, it seems like he wouldn’t have been driven insane by it at all.

Time for Plan B.

“All right, Benedict Arnold, my old American friend, but come back quick! We have a lot of catching up to do. I would like to remember the time the two of us went swimming!”

You sprint out of his yard and go to a store you saw on the way in.

You put on the Ben Franklin costume, and this is what you look like.

Whoa.

You put on the Ben Franklin costume, and this is what you look like.

Whoa.

You arrive back at Ben Franklin’s house, and he’s still there with his nude friends. By announcing your arrival with a loud clearing of your throat and two big stomps of your right foot, you get Ben’s attention.

“Oh...oh my God,” says Ben Franklin. “That...is me.”

“But...if I am...Ben Franklin...and you are...also Ben Franklin...then who am...I? Me...but also...you too...Ben Franklin...electric man...now...electric...MEN?...It can’t be...it mustn’t be....”

Ben Franklin waves at you and you wave at the same time, and he screams. One of the most important men in the world right now is sweating like someone who got locked on the sun, and it looks like you’re about to fulfill your destiny of committing treason and ruining America. Nice!

Oh no. When you spun around, you did it so fast that your entire costume flew off your body and into the French night. Now, you stand nude in front of Ben Franklin.

“Hello, Benedict Arnold, my old friend from America who I haven’t seen in so long because I live in France and Europe now!” shouts Ben Franklin, who at the sight of you has gone back to normal, having completely forgotten that he was moments away from having a mental breakdown. “I have missed seeing you! Say, would you mind helping me invent something real quick?”

Goddamn it.

“Nonsense, I could care less if a person is nude! Here’s a phrase: ‘When someone is nude, hey, that’s fine, my man.’ Anyway, this invention will just take a minute. Okay, okay...ah, I got it! Just by looking at you, I have come up with the idea for a gun that is better at killing the British than our old guns. Fantastic! You are a very busy man, and it is so nice that you could even help at all. Thank you so much! You are a true patriot!”

Well, you came to France to commit treason and instead ended up becoming nude and inventing a really good gun with Ben Franklin. The gun will probably end up helping America, because a gun that is good at killing the British is important in this type of war. Oh well.

Cut your losses and try a different route of treason.

“Hello!” screams the queen. “Honestly, who gives a shit? B16!”

Incredible. The royal marital duo seems, at best, indifferent to your plan for treason, and now it’s time to go through with it.

You are under the impression that you can commit the crime of treason and become the most hated man in American history by betraying one American animal. Fine.

Which American animal would you like to try to betray?

Here is a land cow, an animal known for its ability to always be on land most of the time. Sometimes, there’s even milk.

How would you like to betray it?

Here is a fox and a hen, the one American animal you are going to deceive.

How will you betray it?

Here is a hornet, the animal immortalized in Shakespeare’s California Dreaming in the following lines:

“Hornet, hornet, bug of the sea,
When I look at you, what I see is me.
Flying or walking, you do it all,
From the beginning of time, to the end of Fall.”

How will you betray it?

Here is the American penguin, American bird.

How will you betray it?

Wow. That’s a pretty nice shirt.

Nice.

Great! You put a message in a bottle that said “I am a tiny American male interested in committing treason” and threw it in the ocean. In two to three business days, it will arrive in Great Britain, currently best known for being the place where the Beatles will be from.

All you’ve got to do now is receive an acceptance letter and you’ll be on your way!

Great! You nodded affirmatively at the advertisement for treason, and now Great Britain knows that you are a tiny American male interested in committing the crime of treason.

All you’ve got to do now is receive an acceptance letter and you’ll be on your way!

Great! You killed John Hancock and admitted to doing it, and now Great Britain knows that you are a tiny American male interested in committing the crime of treason.

All you’ve got to do now is receive an acceptance letter and you’ll be on your way!

Sorry, but you’re actually not 6-foot-4. History says that you are 5-foot-9 at most, and possibly as small, tiny, and little as 5-foot-5.

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Okay, Benedict Arnold, if you’re really 6-foot-4, which you’re not, you’ll be able to go on this roller coaster without falling out and dying and breaking all your bones.

Go on. Go on the roller coaster.