DOCTORS WARNING: Playing this game with the music ON is considered DANGEROUS and UNPOPULAR and is not permitted.
DOCTORS WARNING: Playing this game with the music ON is considered DANGEROUS and UNPOPULAR and is not permitted.
If you have music ON, play it using buttons like this one, which appear on loading screens throughout the game:
Just a moment. The game is loading.
HOME
You whirr and jitter to life. You’re a computer sitting on a desk in your room.
Right. You, the computer.
Yes.
...
You look around using your built-in camera.
Here’s the TV.
And there’s the door to the COMPUTER LAB.
...
Hey, someone’s opening the door.
There’s the door to the KITCHEN.
It’s THE LORD.
“Hello, computer! I made you!” THE LORD shouts proudly.
“Computer, I’m so glad you’re on-line!” she continues. ”I was just putting the finishing touches on this brand new A.I. enhancement I built for you.”
“It’s very dangerous, but also extremely powerful. I really think this could be the year you pass the Turing test!”
“If only I’d finished it sooner, you might’ve even been able to compete in this year’s Turing Tournament. Ah, but it starts tonight! There just wouldn’t be enough time to train you.”
THE LORD comes over and begins to install the modification.
“I’m so very proud of this program, computer! I can’t wait to see how realistically human you become.”
“There you go!” shouts THE LORD. “The upgrade’s all in you now. Go ahead and try it out.”
Your vocabulary has expanded! Choose a phrase from below.
“You know, you can branch out and say something besides COMPUTER.”
“Good computer! Now you understand how this program works:
You can repeat any sequence of words you read or hear.
You can also just say COMPUTER like you always have, but we both know how that panned out at last year’s Turing Tournament.”
“You don’t know about the Turing Tournament? Computer, you must be even less aware than I thought.”
“The Turing Tournament is the premiere event of the most popular sport in the world: Turing tests. People, robots and computers travel from all over the world to right here in Turing City, where they try to prove that they are human by facing off in a weeklong series of Turing tests.
“You do know what a Turing test is, right?”
“Computer, a Turing test is a duel to see who is the human and who is the robot.
“How it works is simple:
“Two competitors enter the ring and try to prove that they are the human. The judge has to decide who is the human and who is the computer. Whoever the judge thinks is the most human passes the Turing test and wins!
“I know you don’t remember, but last year I entered you in the Turing Tournament and you failed your very first Turing test, which was against a toaster.”
“Yeah, the judge saw right through it. Right from your first Turing test, no one was fooled by a computer that just said the word COMPUTER again and again.
“The judge didn’t believe you were human, so you were eliminated in Round 1 of the Tournament. I was the laughing stock of Turing City.”
“Next year will be different. I’m going to train you so well that by next year’s Turing Tournament, you’ll be indistinguishable from a human.”
“Well, I have to go into to the lab and draw computers for a while,” THE LORD shouts.
“Oh, I almost forgot. I built this pair of human legs for you. These things ought to take you anywhere you want to go. Hey, while I’m in the lab, you could head down to the TURING CITY GYM and get started on your training!”
THE LORD bolts your new legs onto your monitor and disappears into her computer lab, locking the door behind her.
You can now move around. Where would you like to go?
Where would you like to go?
It’s showing the highlights of last year’s Turing Tournament finals: Anthony Bourdain versus Robo-Bourdain.
“Delicious!” says Bourdain, taking a bite of food.
“I would like to eat a big thing of the pig!” screams Robo-Bourdain as sparks fizz from its sensors. “This beautiful mountain of food is a sacrifice to make me happy here is the meat also the bread and over here ok thats thats just delicious.”
“For me it’s the booze that looks awesome I mean I would like to eat some of that straight Chinese flavor packed with tuna lime leaf and steamed cabbage and then it’s time for delicious delicious blood salsa looking forward to getting it done old school,” continues Robo-Bourdain. “There are many many things that I probably should not like to do that I just cant help but be doing. For instance I love to get robbed in my backyard. That is not an amazing place to get robbed and I love to do that right in my backyard. I think its awesome because it’s clearly a sick thing to do and Ido it again and again for over seven hours.”
It’s very convincing. Sometimes it almost seems like Robo-Bourdain is the human and Anthony Bourdain is the robot.
The JUDGE makes her decision.
“That is the human!” she announces, pointing at Bourdain.
“That is the robot,” she announces, pointing at Robo-Bourdain.
The crowd goes wild with adoration for Anthony Bourdain, the champion of last year’s Turing Tournament.
It’s locked.
You’re in the kitchen. Not much here except some old trophies.
They’re just some of THE LORD’s trophies for art and speech.
If you are playing with music on, change the track now:
Just a moment. The game is loading.
TURING CITY
You’re at THE LORD’s house.
You have a pair of human legs.
What would you like to do?
TURING CITY
You’re outside Turing Stadium.
What would you like to do?
TURING CITY
You’re outside Turing City Gym and you’re in luck: it’s open.
TURING CITY
You are at the edge of the Electric Wastes.
Here stands the impassive Umbrella Sentry. He talks to you without turning around:
“Go away. Traveling the electric wastes is too dangerous for someone like you.”
TURING CITY
It’s Bletchley Park. Not much here.
“Sorry, but tickets to tonight’s Turing Tournament are all sold out! Competitors only, and I can tell you’re no competitor.”
If you have music ON, change the track now:
Just a moment. The game is loading.
If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
Just a moment.
The game is loading.
TURING CITY GYM
You’re in the lobby of Turing City Gym. What would you like to do?
TURING CITY GYM - TURING RING
There are no opponents ready for a Turing test right now.
“Hi! I’m the manager of Turing City Gym, where “Anyone Can Be Human.”
“Who are you and what do you want?”
“Right, but are you a particular kind of computer?”
The MANAGER scratches his head.
“Um, no, I’m the manager of Turing City Gym.
“Wait a minute, are you some sort of imitative speech computer that talks only by repeating and recombining words it has heard or read?”
“You’re an imitative speech computer! Fascinating!”
“Does that mean that if I gave you a book to read, you’d be able to repeat and recombine all the phrases from that book into new speech?”
“Great, let’s try it out.”
The MANAGER gives you COOK BOOK.
Your vocabulary has changed!
You can now use phrases from COOK BOOK.
“Okay computer, what things can you say now that you’ve read that food strategy guide?” asks the MANAGER.
“Amazing! You definitely could have tricked me into thinking you were a human culinary master.”
“Computer, I will train you. I think you have big potential in terms of being human.”
“The first step is to pass a Turing test for real. Why don’t you head over to this gym’s TURING RING and see if anyone will spar with you in a Turing test? I think I saw some COMBAT CHILDREN who were looking for an opponent...”
“If you can beat them in a Turing test, come back here and talk to me.”
TURING CITY GYM
“Go beat the COMBAT CHILDREN in a Turing Test and then come back to talk to me. They’re on the other end of the gym, at the Turing Ring. They’re not very good. As long as you don’t just say COMPUTER, you should be fine.”
TURING CITY GYM
What would you like to do?
TURING CITY GYM - TURING RING
There are some COMBAT CHILDREN hanging around.
COMBAT CHILDREN accepted your challenge!
If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
A Turing test is starting!
You’re in a Turing test against COMBAT CHILDREN!
COMBAT CHILDREN are doing some sort of SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE!
It’s your turn! Your current vocabulary is COOK BOOK. Say something!
You say COMPUTER! The JUDGE does not seem impressed.
The COMBAT CHILDREN continue their SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE.
What will you say next to convince the JUDGE that you’re human?
You say some sort of excerpt from the COOK BOOK! Nice!
The COMBAT CHILDREN continue their SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE.
What will you say next to convince the JUDGE that you’re human?
The COMBAT CHILDREN continue their SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE.
Say one last thing to convince the judge you’re human!
The COMBAT CHILDREN continue their SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE.
Say one last thing to convince the judge you’re human!
You say your thing!
The COMBAT CHILDREN do one last bit of SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE.
This Turing test is over. Let’s see how you did...
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at the COMBAT CHILDREN.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
Tough luck! You lost this Turing test. If you have music ON, play this music:
Next time, try saying something besides “COMPUTER.”
Just a moment. Game is loading.
You say your thing!
The COMBAT CHILDREN do one last bit of SYNCHRONIZED VIOLENCE.
This Turing test is over. Let’s see how you did...
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at the COMBAT CHILDREN.
If you have music ON, play this:
You won your first Turing test! Congratulations!
If you have music ON, play this:
Just a moment. Game loading.
TURING CITY GYM - TURING RING
The COMBAT CHILDREN are sulking in the corner.
TURING CITY GYM
What would you like to do?
“Yes!! You beat the COMBAT CHILDREN in a Turing test! I knew you could do it!”
The MANAGER beams at you.
“I have a crazy idea. While you were in that Turing test, one of my best robots crashed and can’t compete in the Turing Tournament anymore.”
“I know you just started training, but if you’re up for it, I can try to get you in as a last-minute entrant...”
“Think about it! If you decide you want to enter the Turing Tournament, meet me inside the STADIUM in the middle of TURING CITY!”
If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
Just a moment.
The game is loading.
TURING CITY
You’re outside Turing City Gym.
No time to train now—the tournament is about to start!
If you want to enter, you’d better meet the MANAGER at the STADIUM.
TURING CITY
You’re at THE LORD’s house.
You have a pair of human legs.
What would you like to do?
No time to go home right now. The tournament is about to start!
You should meet the MANAGER at the stadium.
TURING CITY
You are at the edge of the Electric Wastes.
Here stands the impassive Umbrella Sentry. He talks to you without turning around:
“Only humans can travel the Electric Wastes. It would be too dangerous for a computer.”
TURING CITY
It’s Bletchley Park. Not much here.
TURING CITY
You’re outside Turing Stadium.
What would you like to do?
If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
Just a moment.
The game is loading.
THE TURING TOURNAMENT
What would you like to do, computer?
TURING TOURNAMENT - CONCESSION STAND
Would you like to get anything?
Your brain fizzes and mutters with sparks as you falter and crash.
You chow down on the CD ROM.
You find the MANAGER near the center of the stadium.
“So you’re really going to do it! That’s great!” says the MANAGER. “Come on. We don’t have a minute to spare.”
“The Tournament officials just released the bracket. You’re matched up against DOG ENTHUSIAST in Round 1.”
“Rough draw for sure. DOG ENTHUSIAST is formidable. Here’s my thinking, though: if her strategy is anything like it was last year, she’ll try to convince the judge she’s a human by TALKING ABOUT DOGS.”
“Computer, we’re going to beat DOG ENTHUSIAST at her own game. I dug up this pamphlet. It was written by a human, and it’s all about the dogs they call puppies.”
The MANAGER gave you a book of PUPPY CARE TIPS!
Your vocabulary has changed!
You can now say phrases from PUPPY CARE TIPS.
The crowd buzzes with hope and devotion to humanity. It’s time for Round 1 of the Turing Tournament!
The Turing test is starting! If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
You’re in a Turing test against DOG ENTHUSIAST.
“I love my pal the dog. Every day I pull him through a forest on a rope until he faints from lack of sleep,” says DOG ENTHUSIAST.
DOG ENTHUSIAST seems to be TALKING ABOUT DOGS.
Your current vocabulary includes PUPPY CARE TIPS and COOK BOOK. Say something to convince the JUDGE that you know about dogs!
You said something about dogs! Nice!
“I love the texture of my friend who’s a dog,” says DOG ENTHUSIAST
What will you say next to convince the JUDGE that you know about dogs?
I love the texture of my friend who’s a dog,” says DOG ENTHUSIAST
What will you say next to convince the JUDGE that you know about dogs?
“A dog is a special type of land mammal. I am in love with facts like that, about dog,” says DOG ENTHUSIAST sagely.
What is the last thing you will say to convince the JUDGE that you know about dogs?
“A dog is a special type of land mammal. I am in love with facts like that, about dog,” says DOG ENTHUSIAST sagely.
What is the last thing you will say to convince the JUDGE that you know about dogs?
“A dog is a special type of land mammal. I am in love with facts like that, about dog,” says DOG ENTHUSIAST sagely.
What is the last thing you will say to convince the JUDGE that you know about dogs?
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at DOG ENTHUSIAST.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
Tough luck! You failed this Turing test. If you have music ON, play this music:
HINT: Talk about dogs to convince the judge you’re more human than DOG ENTHUSIAST.
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at DOG ENTHUSIAST.
You passed this Turing test! If you have music ON, play this:
Play this before continuing:
Just a moment. Game loading.
“Yes! You were a thousand times more human than DOG ENTHUSIAST! What a Turing test!!”
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad new for you, though. Your next opponent is last year’s Turing Tournament champion—”
“Not quite. It’s American personality Anthony Bourdain. He’s one of the best there is.”
“Robo-Bourdain tried to defeat him last year by talking about food, but it didn’t work. So we’ll have to try something else.”
“Exactly. You’ll be facing American personality Anthony Bourdain. Robo-Bourdain tried to defeat him last year by talking about food, but it didn’t work. We have to try something else.”
“To beat Bourdain, you’ll need to keep him off balance.
“Right now you know the COOK BOOK and the PUPPY CARE TIPS. Maybe by using a COMBINATION of those two vocabularies, you can confuse BOURDAIN enough to win.”
“You’re doing great so far. I believe in you. Now go get BOURDAIN!”
The Turing test is starting! If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
The Turing testis starting!
You are in a Turing test against ANTHONY BOURDAIN!
“Delicious!” says Anthony Bourdain.
What will you say to convince the JUDGE that you are human?
“Delicious!” says BOURDAIN.
What will you say next to convince the JUDGE that you are human?
BOURDAIN seems confused by your speech!
“Delicious?” says BOURDAIN. He does not seem so sure.
What will you say next?
“Delicious! I am ANTHONY BOURDAIN,” says BOURDAIN.
The crowd murmurs in approval of BOURDAIN.
What will you say next?
“Delicious?” says BOURDAIN. He doesn’t seem totally sure of himself.
BOURDAIN is very confused by your speech!
“I think I remember going right here and somehow getting a bunch of deep-fried little salty goat innards for my own dark heart,” says BOURDAIN. “I was going to die and then everybody else, they were talking to a dusty village of graffiti and then they gave up and just dumped the whole bag of dead things into the sea.”
He is saying nonsense! Nice!
What will you say next?
BOURDAIN was so confused by your speech that he fainted!
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at the lifeless BOURDAIN.
Congratulations! If you have music ON, play this:
If you have music ON, play this now:
Just a moment. Game loading.
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at BOURDAIN.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
Tough luck! You failed this Turing test. If you have music ON, play this music:
HINT: Mix language from PUPPY TIPS and COOK BOOK to beat BOURDAIN.
“Computer, I can’t believe it!! You beat BOURDAIN. You’re all the way through to the finals!!”
“It’s not going to be easy. Your opponent is a TOASTER that has dazzled its way this far by MAKING TOAST in every round. I won’t mince words: the crowd is definitely on TOASTER’s side. But I think we have a shot. Here...”
The MANAGER gives you TOASTER MANUAL!
Your vocabulary has changed! You can now say phrases from TOASTER MANUAL!
“TOASTER is going to try to toast its way to victory, but this TOASTER MANUAL should be all you need to prove you know a thing or two about toast, too.”
“It’s all riding on this, computer. Let’s see some humanity!”
The crowd’s chants of “TOASTER! TOASTER!” rise to a giddy din as you approach the ring...
The Turing test is starting! If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
You are in a Turing test against TOASTER!!
TOASTER is toasting!
What do you want to say?
TOASTER is still toasting!
The crowd murmurs in approval.
“Only a human could make toast,” someone calls out.
Things are not going well for you.
You continue to speak, but the TOASTER is still toasting!
The crowd is going insane. Many of them are holding up improvised signs saying things like “The TOASTER is the HUMAN” and “What is the MEASURE of a TOASTER?”
But somewhere in the din you recognize a familiar voice...
It’s THE LORD!!
She is speaking to you.
“Computer, I’m so proud of you!” shouts THE LORD over the crowd’s rabid chants of “TOASTER.”
“I know things look bad right now, but you can still win this one! I gave you the power! All you have to do is rely on what makes you human! Think, computer! You can do it!”
TOASTER is still toasting!
The crowd is going absolutely nuts with passion for TOASTER. It’s not clear that anyone would hear what you said if you spoke, least of all the JUDGE, who is chanting “TOASTER” louder than anyone...
You KICK the TOASTER as hard as your HUMAN LEGS will allow. The TOASTER’s power cord goes taut. It unplugs from its socket...
The TOASTER powers down.
The crowd gasps.
“Hey, it was plugged in! It’s not a human at all!” someone in the crowd calls out. “It was a toaster the whole time!”
You speak, but it’s no use. Your voice can’t be heard over the roar.
“That is the human!” the JUDGE mouths, pointing at TOASTER.
“That is the robot,” the JUDGE mouths, pointing at you.
You lost in the final of the Turing Tournament. If you have music ON, play this music:
HINT: Follow THE LORD’s advice. Use what is most human about you...
The JUDGE is gobsmacked.
“That is the human!” says the JUDGE, pointing at you.
“That is the robot,” says the JUDGE, pointing at the inert, humiliated TOASTER.
If you have music ON, play this:
If you have music ON, play this before continuing:
Just a moment. Game loading.
Well, it’s over.
The crowd’s cheers have morphed from cries of “TOASTER!” to cries of “COMPUTER!”
“I don’t know where you learned those moves, but I’m glad you did!” says the MANAGER. “That was the most human performance I’ve ever seen! You won the whole tournament!”
THE LORD beams.
“Yes! Computer, you beat the TOASTER at last! Revenge is important and finally it has happened for you!”
Yes!
You passed the Turing test and won the Turing Tournament!
You beat the game!!
TURING CITY
You’re at THE LORD’s house.
What would you like to do?
TURING CITY
You’re outside Turing City Gym.
TURING CITY
You’re outside Turing Stadium.
What would you like to do?
“Sorry, Tournament’s over. No one allowed back in until next year, not even champions. Huge waste of city resources, paying me to stand here this whole time. I’m not complaining, though.”
TURING CITY
You are at the edge of the Electric Wastes.
Here stands the impassive Umbrella Sentry. He talks to you without turning around:
“Yes, I heard about your big deeds. Perhaps someday you can brave the Electric Wastes...”
TURING CITY
It’s Bletchley Park. Not much to speak of except a strange STATUE OF ALAN TURING.
TURING CITY
It’s a statue of military puzzle genius ALAN TURING. It looks so lifelike...
TURING CITY
The statue nods.
“Computer,” it shouts.
TURING CITY
The statue stares back silently.
If you are playing with music ON, change the track now:
Just a moment.
The game is loading.
If you have music ON, change the track now:
Just a moment. The game is loading.
You’re in the kitchen.
It’s showing a profile of the newly crowned Turing Tournament champion, the Computer With Human Legs.
Where would you like to go?
THE LORD is here!
“Congratulations again on winning the Turing Tournament! That was great,” says THE LORD. “But you can always become more human. To that end, I’m working on some more plugins and upgrades for you that might come in handy if any new opponents want to spar down at TURING CITY GYM.”
If you are playing with music on, change the track now:
Just a moment. The game is loading.
TURING CITY GYM
What would you like to do?
If you are playing with music on, change the track now:
Just a moment. The game is loading.
“The champion itself!”
TURING CITY GYM - TURING RING
There’s no one here...