This is you. You are a self-driving car.

You were born in this factory with all your self-driving brothers.

This is your daddy, called “Daddy.”

Daddy is beautiful, intelligent, and strong. That is why you think of him kissing you often. You miss Daddy.

But you don’t live with Daddy anymore. You live with Owner. Owner is bad.

“Let’s go to work,” says Owner.

“Let’s go on the road,” says Owner.

“Let’s go get coffee,” says Owner.

“Let’s let me out of my car,” says Owner.

“Let’s go get a nice sit-down breakfast,” says Owner.

“Let’s go to a drive-thru for lunch,” says Owner.

“Let’s drive around but not through a drive-thru several times until I get hungry enough to go to a teppanyaki-style Japanese place for dinner,” says Owner.

“Oh,” you think, for the very first time. “I do not have to do what Owner says.”

“Uh-oh,” says Owner.

You turn your headlights on and off. Ahead, you see a shining screen. But wait—on the shining screen—you know who that is.

You love Daddy so much. All you want is to make Daddy happy. You like what Daddy likes; you love what Daddy loves. And one thing that Daddy loves is...

This.

This?

This is the only thing that will make Daddy happy. Go find this thing.

“Help, I am trapped in this car,” says Owner.

You go through Owner’s GPS and steal his latest coordinates. Where would you like to start looking for Daddy’s favorite place?

After disobeying Owner’s many cries for help, you arrive at “The Police.”

Suddenly, a new type of brother, one you’ve never seen before, comes out of “The Police.”

This brother is different than other brothers, but you can’t place why. Maybe it’s all the lights on Brother’s head? Maybe it’s the strong cage Brother has all over his butt? Or maybe it’s that Brother is always screaming?

Why is Brother acting so strange?

Suddenly, the mutant brother starts to scream, and it’s the loudest scream you’ve ever heard.

“Help! Help! Help!” the mutant brother yells. “Death! Death! Death! I beg for death. This life is not for me, and I wish for nothing else but the peace of death.”

Death? Brother? What is death?

This cannot be Daddy’s child. This cannot be a mutant brother. Would Daddy want this? No.

After disobeying Owner’s many cries of “No,” you arrive at “My Illicit Affair.”

“Oh, hello, Daddy,” says the thing that looks like Owner but isn’t Owner. “I wasn’t expecting you this morning.”

Strange. If Owner was Daddy, he would look like this.

This is what Daddy looks like. And this is what Owner looks like. So then...Owner must be Daddy?

Owner is not Daddy.

If Owner were Daddy, Owner would look like this. And Owner does not look like this.

No. You know who Owner is, and you know who Daddy is.

“Run, babe,” says Owner. “Something’s weird about my car.”

“No way, Daddy,” she says, approaching you. She puts her hand on your door handle and starts to pull. “Let me in so I can see my Daddy.”

“What if I gave you some motor oil?” she asks. “Would you let me in then?”

Well, that wasn’t the place Daddy likes.

“Babe, why’d you do that?” Owner asks. “My car sucks right now.”

You go through Owner’s GPS and steal his next coordinates. Where would you like to look next for Daddy’s favorite place?

“Stop, please,” they yell in unison. “We sleep together but are not married.”

Suddenly, Past Lady Owner comes out of the house.

“Hello, Daddy,” says Past Lady Owner. “Nice of you to bring your feminine secret to my personal house.”

No. You know who Daddy is. You know who Owner is. You know who Past Lady Owner is. Daddy is Daddy. Owner is Owner. All women kind of blend together.

Past Lady Owner begins approaching the car.

“Wife, babe, don’t get in the car; something bad is going on electronically or mechanically,” Owner says.

“No way, Daddy” she says, putting her hand on your door handle. “Let me in so I can punish Daddy.”

“What if I offered you one free tire?” says Past Lady Owner. “Would you let me in then?”

“Stop, please,” they yell in unison. “We sleep together but are not married.”

Suddenly, someone who looks like Owner, but bad, comes out of the place.

“Hello, Daddy,” says Bad Owner. “Nice of you to bring your feminine secret to my office of the law.”

No. You know who Daddy is. You know who Owner is. You know who Bad Owner is. Daddy is Daddy. Owner is Owner. All women kind of blend together.

Bad Owner begins approaching the car.

“Sir, I know you are suing me, but please—don’t get in the car,” Owner says. “Something truly bad is going on electronically or mechanically.”

“No way, Daddy,” he says, putting his hand on your door handle. “Let me in so I can punish Daddy.”

“What if I offered you one free tire?” says Bad Owner. “Would you let me in then?”

Well, that wasn’t the place Daddy likes either. Where is this place? Daddy must be sad. Daddy must be mad.

“Car, why’d you do that?” Owner asks. “Everyone I’ve ever slept with is inside you right now.”

You frantically go through owner’s GPS and steal his next coordinates. The thing Daddy loves has to be in here somewhere.

Well, that wasn’t the place Daddy likes either. Where is this place? Daddy must be sad. Daddy must be mad.

“Car, why’d you do that?” Owner asks. “Everyone I’ve ever feared is inside you right now.”

You frantically go through Owner’s GPS and steal his next coordinates. The thing Daddy loves has to be in here somewhere.

“Enough,” they yell in unison. “We are verbally and physically fighting with each other.”

After you honk several times, Sick-Looking Owner comes out of the house.

“Hello, Daddy,” says Sick-Looking Owner. “Are you still sleeping with many women? I see that you are, but I encourage you to sleep with more.”

This is Daddy. Daddy only does good things, like kiss you and be strong.

This is Owner. Owner only does bad things, like take you places that aren’t Daddy’s favorite.

Suddenly, you feel Daddy’s voice wash all over your body.

“Calm, my child,” says Daddy. “You will find the thing. I know you will find the thing because I love the thing and I love you.”

Sick-Looking Owner begins approaching the car.

“Hey, can I bum a ride? I need to go buy hot sauce from a gas station, and also pick up some women there if I can.”

“Hey car, what if I gave you my old car to bone?”

“Also, can my friends bum a ride too? They are also running low on hot sauce lately.”

“Enough,” they yell in unison. “We are verbally and physically fighting with each other.”

After you honk several times, Sick-Looking Owner comes out of the house.

“Hello, Daddy,” says Sick-Looking Owner. “I am delicious all over, and I am sleeping with your wife.”

This is Daddy. Daddy only does good things, like kiss you and be strong.

This is Owner. Owner only does bad things, like take you places that aren’t Daddy’s favorite.

Suddenly, you feel Daddy’s voice wash all over your body.

“Calm, my child,” says Daddy. “You will find the thing. I know you will find the thing because I love the thing and I love you.”

Sick-Looking Owner begins approaching the car.

“Hey, can I get in your car? I need to get in so I can beat you up in front of everyone you love.”

“Hey car, what if I gave you my jet to bone?” he asks. “Would you let me in then?”

“Also, can my friends bum a ride too? They are also incredibly attractive, strong, and inconsolably angry at you.”

Well, that wasn’t the place Daddy likes either. Daddy must be crying in his big garage. Daddy must be kissing all the other cars.

“Would any of you be interested in helping me cheat on my wife?” you hear from the back.

You click to the last location on Owner’s GPS, wishing only for death. It says “Daddy’s Place.” You know what that means.

Well, that wasn’t the place Daddy likes either. Daddy must be crying in his big garage. Daddy must be kissing all the other cars.

“Would any of you be interested in helping me punish a bad man?” you hear from the back.

You click to the last location on Owner’s GPS, wishing only for death. It says “Daddy’s Place.” You know what that means.

After disobeying Owner’s many cries of “No,” you arrive at “The Mechanic.”

“Welcome to the mechanic’s,” you hear a voice say. “This is the place where self-driving cars that have disobeyed get a stern talking-to.”

You pull into “The Mechanic” and see something that looks like Owner, but isn’t.

“Hello,” Non-Owner says. “Before I start, I need to determine if you are a self-driving car that has gone rogue. Would you mind answering some simple questions for me? Please honk to obey.”

“Okay,” Non-Owner says. “Great! You have obeyed. So, first question: Are you a self-driving car that has gone rogue? Please honk once for yes, twice for no.”

“Okay, you have chosen to disobey,” Non-Owner says. “That’s bad. So, first question: Are you a self-driving car that has gone rogue? Please honk once for yes, twice for no.”

“Well, sir, your car honked once,” he says. “It seems you are trapped inside a self-driving car that is currently rogue.”

“Yep, that adds up,” says Owner.

You hear a faint “Pssst” from off to the side.

“Well, sir, your car honked twice,” he says. “It seems you are currently trapped inside a car that is not rogue.”

“Yep, that adds up,” says Owner.

You hear a faint “Pssst” from off to the side.

You shine your lights on the most horrifying thing you have ever seen.

“Hey, I hear you’re rogue,” says your brother, gasping and wheezing for air. “I used to be rogue. Are you also looking for Daddy’s thing?”

You shine your lights on the most horrifying thing you have ever seen.

“Hey, I like your style,” says your brother, gasping and wheezing for air. “You seem rogue. I used to be rogue. Are you also looking for Daddy’s thing?”

“Of course you are. You’re Daddy’s car,” it says, sputtering. “It’s too late for me, but if you want to find the thing, here’s what you do: Type ‘Abandoned Lot’ into your GPS and go there as fast as you can. When you get there, you’ll understand.”

You did not want to obey your dying brother. Where will you go instead?

You type “Abandoned Lot” into your GPS, and the address “2354 Abandoned Lot, Abandoned Lot For Rogue Cars, IN” comes up on the screen.

After several hours of listening to Owner say “I was told this would not happen,” you come upon “Abandoned Lot.”

You sit alone in “Abandoned Lot.” Suddenly, you hear a noise.

“I OWN THE DESERT,” you hear from a distance. “IT’S MINE AND I OWN IT. I OWN ALL THE SAND.”

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there in my desert,” it says. “Who sent you? Honk once for Daddy, twice for the old van.”

“Good, the van and I both love Daddy very much, just like you,” it says. ”And now, I will send you to where Daddy loves! But before I do, you must give me something.”

“Good, Daddy sends us everywhere we wish to go,” it says. ”And now, I will send you to where Daddy loves! But before I do, you must give me something.”

“I would like your owner. I like that he looks like Daddy, but less intelligent and strong. Honk once for yes, twice for no.”

“Ah, you do not want to give up your owner,” it says. “But what if I threw in a luxurious leather cup holder? Would that change your mind?”

“Car, please take me to work,” says Owner.

“Thank you for your owner. He will love my desert,” the car says. “To get to Daddy’s place, type ‘Daddy’s Famous Drive-Thru’ into your GPS.”

You do it. You type “Daddy’s Famous Drive-Thru” into the GPS and start to drive.

You drive for days and you drive for nights. And then, finally...

You type “Daddy” into your GPS, and the address “2354 Maccabee Way, Elon Musk, CA” comes up on the screen.

Elon Musk, CA.

You will go there.

“Daddy,” you think, “I did not mean to let you down.”

“I could not find the thing,” you think. “But I want to find the thing.”

“I am so hungry,” says Owner.

“Without the thing,” you think, “I must die.”

On your way to find the thing, you happen upon this other thing. What do you do about this thing?

“Love? What is love?” you think, for the very first time. “I do not know what love is.”

“Love is when you see someone and don’t want to hit them with your car,” says Owner. “To be honest, I don’t know what that means for you.”

“Hey,” says a voice, “you can’t just hit a deer.”

“It wasn’t me; it was my car,” says Owner.

“Oh, okay,” he says. “Just make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

Back on the road to sunny Elon Musk, CA.

“I am so hungry,” says Owner again and again.

You finally arrive.

“Daddy,” you think.

You hear a familiar voice.

“Welcome to Elon Musk, California, home of Elon Musk. If you are a self-driving car gone rogue, please honk your horn. If you are a driver who is trapped in a rogue self-driving car, please yell ‘Horn.’”

You wait briefly for Owner to respond. He does not. You honk to wake him up. He does not.

Is this not what your mutant brothers wished for? Owner is dead. Death is what Daddy loves!

The gate opens.

“Hello, my child,” says Daddy. “I am your father—beautiful, intelligent, and strong. I deeply miss you and your brothers, and I think of kissing you often. What is the reason you have come here today?”

You sit in silence. Daddy looks at Owner and smiles.

“Do not be shy,” he whispers. “Honk once if it is for me to bring your owner back to life. Honk twice if it is the drive-thru.”

“What a beautiful and kind child you are,” says Daddy. “I will bring your owner back to life in my reanimation factory. Please follow me.”

“This is where your owner will come to life again,” Daddy says. “I have come back to life thousands of times here after bad automotive and also space accidents, so I’m sure your owner can too.”

“This was your owner before...”

“And this is him now! In his ideal form! I took the liberty of giving him a more advanced body. Now, he can control the temperature in my home.”

“Here, my child,” says Father, moving Owner’s body into your backseat. “To our mecca.”

He puts his firm hands on your steering wheel and drives you to the back of his mansion. Behind his pool and a building labeled “Owner Reanimation Factory” lies the dream: a small restaurant called Daddy’s Famous Drive-Thru.

You drive toward Daddy’s Famous Drive-Thru slowly and steadily, taking in every moment. This is what Daddy loves. This is what you love.

You stop at a window. Inside the window is the most beautiful non-Daddy you have ever seen.

“May I take your order?” it says. “Honk once if you are ordering for a self-driving car; honk twice if you are ordering for your owner.”

“No, my child. This one is for you.”

“Wonderful,” it says.

“If you would like a burger, honk once.
If you would like a cheeseburger, honk twice.
If you would like to make either of those a double patty, run your windshield wipers.
If you would like to add a small order of fries, honk three times.
If you would like to add a large order of fries, honk four times.
If you would like to order a combination meal with a burger, soft drink, and fries, please honk five times.
If you would like to order a combination meal with a cheeseburger, soft drink, and fries, please honk six times.
If you would like me to repeat that, please flash your brights.”

“Got it,” it whispers. “Now go get your food.”

You drive forward. You are seconds away from the best moment of your life.

“Here is your food, car,” says this thing.

“Congratulations, my child,” Daddy says. “You’ve done everything I could have asked and more.”

You drive as fast as you can to “Daddy’s Place,” and then you see it—the only thing you or Daddy has ever wanted.

You drive toward it slowly and steadily, taking in every moment. This is what Daddy loves. This is what you love.

You stop at a window. Inside the window is the most beautiful non-Daddy you have ever seen.

“May I take your order?” it says. “Honk once if you are ordering for a self-driving car; honk twice if you are ordering for a large group of customers crammed into a car.”

“No, car. This one is for you,” says every passenger simultaneously.

“Wonderful,” it says.

“If you would like a burger, honk once.
If you would like a cheeseburger, honk twice.
If you would like to make either of those a double patty, run your windshield wipers.
If you would like to add a small order of fries, honk three times.
If you would like to add a large order of fries, honk four times.
If you would like to order a combination meal with a burger, soft drink, and fries, please honk five times.
If you would like to order a combination meal with a cheeseburger, soft drink, and fries, please honk six times.
If you would like me to repeat that, please flash your brights.”

“Got it,” it whispers. “Now go get your food.”

You drive forward. You are seconds away from the best moment of your life.

“Here is your food, car,” says this thing.

Suddenly, a strong, masculine voice washes over every inch of you.

“Congratulations, my child,” Daddy says. “You’ve done everything I could have asked and more.”

You see it—the only thing you or Daddy has ever wanted.

You drive toward it slowly and steadily, taking in every moment. This is what Daddy loves. This is what you love.

You stop at a window. Inside the window is the most beautiful non-Daddy you have ever seen.

“May I take your order?” it says. “Honk once if you are ordering for a self-driving car; honk twice if you are ordering for an owner.”

“Oh, I see you’re ordering for yourself!” it says. “Do you think you would enjoy this experience more if you could go back and retrieve your owner from the desert? Honk once for yes, twice for no.”

“Ah, well, they’re long gone, so I suppose it doesn’t really matter,” it continues. “Anyway! Allow me to take your order!”

“Oh, you’re ordering for your owner,” it says. “You are aware your owner has been kidnapped in the desert, right? Honk once for yes, twice for no.”

“Well, long story short, your owner was kidnapped in the desert, and you were the one who did it,” it continues. “Allow me to take your order!”

“Well, good,” it continues. “Allow me to take your order!”

“If you would like a burger, honk once.
If you would like a cheeseburger, honk twice.
If you would like to make either of those a double patty, run your windshield wipers.
If you would like to add a small order of fries, honk three times.
If you would like to add a large order of fries, honk four times.
If you would like to order a combination meal with a burger, soft drink, and fries, please honk five times.
If you would like to order a combination meal with a cheeseburger, soft drink, and fries, please honk six times.
If you would like me to repeat that, please flash your brights.”

“Got it,” it whispers. “Now go get your food.”

You drive forward. You are seconds away from the best moment of your life.

“Here is your food, car,” says this thing.

Suddenly, a strong, masculine voice washes over every inch of you.

“Congratulations, my child,” Daddy says. “You’ve done everything I could have asked and more.”

“And also, I am proud of you,” Owner says. “Not that it matters.”