Hello. If you’re reading this right now, it’s because you want to make a change. You’re here because you’ve always been large, but now your largeness has become revolting. You are here because God has cursed you with a flabby paunch, and you hate the way it bounces and oozes.
You are here, frankly, because you have nowhere else to turn.
Yes! The first step to dying a lonely, broken person who is full of regret is admitting to yourself that you want to die a lonely, broken person who is full of regret. Today is the day you embark on that path. Go out in the world, get off this computer, and embrace the darkness.
Incredible. It’s time to begin anew! It’s time for a new, less fleshy chapter. To start, take a good, hard look at yourself. This—this is you now.
And this was you—this was you 8 glorious pounds ago.
Look, denial is a sign of weakness. Look into your own eyes. If you’re going to make a change, you must accept that this perfect, chiseled muscle kingdom used to be yours.
Yes! The reality is, you are 8 pounds away from true happiness. Your new, lip-smacking body is practically within reach, but only if you vow to work hard and systematically destroy every inch of your old self. So, how would you like to lose 8 pounds?
A-ha! You seem to be a dumb person who does not want to lose 8 pounds. Well, beneath that extra weight is a beautiful and muscular Adonis just waiting to kill the old you.
So, how will you get pumped for your total 8-pound makeover?
You decide to log onto lard.edu, your favorite bodybuilding health resource.
Incredible. Lad.com is unfortunately the best website on the internet. While the actor’s svelte bodies did in fact make you want to lose 8 pounds, you were so drawn to the hot, attractive sex that you didn’t leave your computer for hours. Instead, you gained 2 pounds from sitting and failed! Whoops.
You go to the testimonials section. Yes, this is the stuff you need.
You keep scrolling. It’s incredible.
Great, you’re motivated! Now let’s lose those pounds!
“Hi, boyfriend,” says your skinny girlfriend, looking you up and down. “I heard you are trying to lose 8 pounds. Hey, we should engage in the primal act of sex—it’s great for losing 8 pounds.”
“Actually, just kidding,” she says. “Sex is for people who have lost 8 pounds. We’ll have sex when you’ve lost 8 pounds.”
“Oh, okay, that’s fine, I understand,” she says. “I will break up with you then! Let’s have sex when you’ve lost 8 pounds.”
Ah, the days when you were 8 pounds lighter and the world was brighter...the days when all your pants were unfathomably loose....
The days when you held an apple in your hands at all times and smiled...when you wore a tape measure around your waist as jewelry....
The days when your family was still alive....
Ah, the flu! An excellent choice. The flu is the world’s No. 1 disease for causing pounds and pounds of fluid secretion. How would you like to get a slimming, fat-burning strain of the flu today?
Incredible! You got the flu. The good news is that you’re now sicker than you’ve ever been, and 3 pounds of fluids have already been released from your holes! The bad news is that your body remains swollen and unsightly. What do you do now?
Great choice! You go to the doctor and beg for the flu, the best weight-loss program in the world.
“Oh, God, just look at you—you desperately need to lose 8 pounds,” says the doctor. “I could give you the flu, or I could give you a more extreme weight-loss procedure I’ve been working on.”
“Great choice—I’ve been meaning to commit a fun crime and finally perform this weight-loss procedure on someone,” he says, laying you down. “I’m going to put this monkey heart in you and just see what happens with your 8 pounds. How does that sound?”
While lying lifelessly next to the toilet, you try on your old pants. Wow, they barely fit! Your mouth may be parched and your eyes crusted shut, but if you took a shower, you’d be 10 times hotter than you were before!
So, how will you lose those remaining 5 pounds?
Oh, no! You lost 5 pounds, and then 4 more pounds! The flu was unfortunately too effective, and you ended up losing 12 pounds total. You look gaunt and disgusting, a mere skeleton of the hunk you once were. Maybe try gaining weight, because right now you’re a fitness disaster.
Well, you steamed some hot water over a cow and made yourself some beef broth. But unfortunately, you got better, and you stopped losing weight when you were only 2 pounds short of your goal! Sadly, it seems like you’re still a blob-like fitness disaster. Would you like to try another way?
Great choice! You go to the doctor and beg for the worst, most infectious disease he’s got. Maybe malaria, if he has it.
“Oh, Jesus, you desperately need to lose 8 pounds,” says the doctor. “I could give you either a totally untested disease I invented or a radical weight-loss procedure I’ve been working on.”
“This disease evolved from monkey DNA, but don’t worry, it’s not AIDS,” says your doctor. “Hopefully, it’ll get those 5 remaining pounds off!”
The results are great at first! You eat a healthy, clean diet of grubs and vegetation, and almost instantly began shrinking. Unfortunately, you became more man than monkey, and while your skeleton was contracting into the exact size of a primate, you lost 25 additional pounds. Looks like you’ll have to try again if you want to lose just 8.
Congrats! You now have a monkey heart, which is already 2 pounds lighter than a human heart. And holy cow, you look hot—but you feel even hotter. How will you lose those last 3 pounds?
Mmm, beautiful. Mating with a squirrel can burn up to 500 calories in an hour. How will you proceed?
You did it! You lost 8 pounds! It’s unclear whether you lost the weight from your new relationship or due to the fact that monkey hearts beat 10 times faster than those of humans, but no matter! You’re a perfect 8 pounds lighter now, healthy and hot as can be. Well done!
Great! Feeling hungry, you leave the hospital and see this: a delicious grub! Mmm...what would you like to do?
Well, you lost weight, but you lost too much. This grub was high in protein and low in fat, but its high poison content also killed you, resulting in too much weight loss (15 pounds too many!). Next time, try losing less, because this ended up with you looking like a terrifying skeleton creature.
Excellent! You’ve chosen to try to lose weight through both exercise and a healthy diet! But let’s be real, big guy—you can probably only handle doing one of those at a time. Which one would you rather do?
Great! Exercise, the violence we put our bodies through in order to look sexual. How would you like to start exercising today?
Perfect. This is Quinn, your personal trainer.
“You will never lose 8 pounds,” says your Quinn.
Sure, you’re peaceful or some shit for 25 minutes. Fucking cool-ass idea to sit on the floor to exercise. Your weight stays exactly the same. Who cares?
Ah, the gym! Welcome to 24-Hour Muscle Hell, the gym in your city that you can afford! Its motto is “You Will Lose 8 Pounds Here,” so things are finally looking up. What part of the gym would you like to start in?
Yes, the weights section. The section of the gym that makes your flesh sing in pain! Time to sculpt a new, lighter self from your old, heavier self!
You look at the trainer, who hands you two large metal instruments. How will you proceed?
“We can spot you,” say the strongest people in the gym, grabbing each of your barbells. “With our help, you’ll be able to lift without cracking your spine in half, and you’ll lose those 8 pounds—guaranteed.”
Each of them grabs one of your weights and begins lifting it on their own. You try to grab on, but they both say, “No, don’t touch. We’re spotting you, not the other way around.”
You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to go—what should you do?
“You can lift us up,” say the strongest people in the gym, walking up to you with their taut bodies on display. “If you lift us up, you’ll lose 8 pounds in no time—that’s a guarantee.”
You try and try to lift them up. “We’re heavy, just swollen with strong muscle flesh,” they scream each time you try to lift them up. “Lifting two heavy people is just the first step to changing your life!”
You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to go—what should you do?
Yes, the cardio section. The section of the gym that makes your heart explode!
“Help me,” says the cardio trainer. “The gym has been downloading my muscles through these wires for years.”
How will you proceed?
The cardio trainer tries to make space on the treadmill so you can chase him, but suddenly, the gym’s general manager comes up and starts touching his electric nipples.
“More downloading—we’ve almost filled the mainframe with muscle,” she says. “This man can lose 8 pounds later.”
You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to go—what should you do?
The cardio trainer tries to make space on the treadmill so he can chase you, but suddenly, the gym’s general manager comes up and starts touching his electric nipples.
“More downloading—we’ve almost filled the mainframe with muscle,” she says. “This man can lose 8 pounds later.”
You eventually give up, but as a result, lose no weight. You still have 8 pounds to go—what should you do?
Zumba it is! You walk into the studio, bloated with your 8 extra pounds still stuck deep under your skin.
“Kill,” your Zumba dojos yell in unison. “Kill the man who is slightly heavier than he used to be.”
How do you proceed?
You have chosen to fight your Zumba dojos.
“Zumba is a great way to shed extra weight,” they yell one by one.
How would you like to fight your opponents?
Your extra weight throws off your aerodynamics a little, and you end up punching a hole through the wall.
“Okay, sure,” they say, bowing. “You defeated us. Here’s a Zumba belt for all your troubles.”
Unfortunately, Zumba is a dance that is mostly self-defense, so it really doesn’t involve too much movement. As a result, you lost no weight. You still have 8 pounds to go—what should you do?
You have chosen to surrender to your dojos. “You are weak and will never lose 8 pounds,” they yell one by one.
How would you like to surrender to your opponents?
“Okay, sure,” they say, bowing. “You’ve definitely proved that you don’t belong here. Here’s a Zumba belt for all your troubles.”
Unfortunately, Zumba is a dance that is mostly self-defense, so it really doesn’t involve too much movement. As a result, you lost no weight. You still have 8 pounds to go—what should you do?
“Welcome to the locker room, the premier place to lose 8 pounds,” says this man, the locker room trainer. “This is a 24-hour gym, so I’ll be here 24 hours today. Would you like to sign up for a two-hour session of sitting with me?”
Two hours pass. You sat well, but somehow you lost no weight.
“Great job!” he says, patting you on the back. “Would you like to stay for another two-hour session?”
Huh, four hours have passed, and you’ve still lost no weight.
“You are crushing it!” he says, patting you on the back. “Don’t give up. Would you like to stay for another two-hour session?”
Six hours have passed. But WAIT! You’re getting pretty hungry, and whoa...you’ve lost 1 pound!
“You’ll lose 8 pounds in no time,” he says, patting you on the back. “Let’s do another session.”
Okay, it’s been eight hours, and you’re starting to get pretty lethargic. You did just lose another 2 pounds, though, which brings your total up to 3!
“You can’t leave now,” he says, patting you on the back. “Let’s do another session. And let’s make this one four hours!”
“Twelve beautiful hours together,” says your trainer. “And you’ve lost a full 7 pounds, just one away from your goal! But now it’s 3 a.m., and you’ve entered the dark world of night gym. Would you like to see the deep, throbbing pleasures of night gym, or would you like to keep working?”
Oh, no! You trained in the locker room for too long. You lost 9 pounds total and ended up looking frail and weak, unsuitable for most human eyes. It truly is a shame, because you worked so hard for this. You may have failed, but it’s not over—would you like to try gaining the weight back?
“Welcome to night gym, the epicenter of fitness and wellness,” says the man. “Here you will find a secret world unknown to those who are not members....”
You come upon a man chained to a wall of night gym. He is night gym’s premier trainer.
“Night gym is lovely; it is truly the best,” says the man, reaching into a fridge. “Notice how I am not allowed to eat. This could be you someday. You could lose 8 pounds!”
You come upon two patrons beefing it out in the weights section.
“We come to night gym 12 hours a night, seven days a week,” they say. “Night gym is the only way to look like we do.”
Oh, no! You became addicted to night gym and lost too much weight. You lost 9 pounds total and ended up looking frail and weak, unsuitable for most human eyes. It truly is a shame, because you worked so hard for this. You may have failed, but it’s not over—would you like to try gaining the weight back?
Excellent! You’ve chosen to diet, which means you can only eat a rare form of corn grown in Argentina by an 80-year-old farmer named Francisco. What’s the first thing you would like to do?
“Welcome to gluttonous dinner, the best and only meal of the day,” say your friends. “Say, aren’t you trying to lose 8 pounds? That’s crazy, because none of us are!”
What would you like to eat for dinner?
“Oh, no, we don’t have any of Francisco’s corn,” they say. “We’re all being bad tonight and eating genetically imperfect strains. Do you want some of those?”
“You are so bad,” they say in between bites. “We don’t have any of Francisco’s corn, but we do have several other genetically imperfect strains.”
You take a hearty serving, trying to be as polite as you can.
“You look bloated,” says the host. “Maybe leave, and try losing 8 pounds another way?”
Time to cheat! Here is the corn strain called Bloated Yellow, which is full of juice and bursting with yellow starch flavors. You’ve been craving this corn all week, and now’s your chance to go to town!
Oh, Jesus. It’s been weeks since you’ve let yourself have this, the corn called Parakeet Round. Wouldn’t it be wrong to let it go to waste...?
Of course you’re full now, but should you stop? No way. You’ve been so good, and what’s 8 pounds in the long run anyway? Here’s some Shriveled Crunchies. Don’t hold back!
Well, you gained 8 more pounds from this diet, which has transformed your life, but in a terrible, flabby way. Nothing is permanent, though—perhaps go to the gym to work it off? Let’s lose 8 pounds, then lose 8 pounds more!
Yes, the supermarket! A big room filled with small foods, except it’s not a restaurant!
It’s time to lose 8 pounds by eating only food that will make you lose 8 pounds. Which of the supermarket’s two existing food aisles would you like to shop in?
Perfect, you’ve found the corn baskets!
You flag over a supermarket employee.
“Oh, those?” she says, pointing at the corn baskets. “Those aren’t Francisco’s corn—those are tamales. Those are filled with raw meat.”
Perfect, you’ve found the yogurt trough!
You flag over a supermarket employee.
“Oh, those?” she says, pointing at the yogurt trough. “That’s not Francisco’s corn—that’s a bucket of milk slop. Francisco hates milk slop.”
Perfect, you have elected to take a dietary supplement! You have the chance to take a pill that will turn all your organs to goop but will make you lose 8 pounds—guaranteed!
Yes, guaranteed! Just check out these before and after photos. If you take just one tablet of Different Body, you can do anything.
You take the pill, and holy hell—your insides, including every single one of your organs, turn to liquid. Your arms retract into your body and then shoot back out of your body later in the day. You lose the ability to sleep. And that’s just the beautiful beginning!
Within a few hours, you turn from this...
...to this.
Wow, yes. You’re Latino, but unfortunately, you’re a Latino who’s only lost 7 pounds. You’re so close, but not quite there. What will you do to lose that final weight?
Okay, nice! You take a pill, and suddenly, your organs solidify, God smiles upon you, and the ringing in your ears finally stops playing the national anthem. But now...now, you look like this.
With the beard, you’ve gained back your 7 pounds. You’re back to square one. Ready to try a different weight-loss method?
You call the customer service number printed on each pill.
“Hello, I am a woman who is here to discuss your dissatisfaction,” says a prerecorded message. “If you have lost only 7 pounds taking a pill, press 1. If you love your new Latino lifestyle, press 2.”
“It seems you’ve only lost 7 pounds taking the pill,” she says. “That is unfortunate, given your recent goal of losing 8 pounds. Sadly, a side effect of the pill is that you will soon gain back the weight, and also you will go back to your old race.”
“It seems you are enjoying your new race, which is what we want here at the pill company” she says. “Sadly, a side effect of the pill is that you will soon gain back the weight, and also you will go back to your old race.”
Well, you gained back 8 pounds. If you want to change your life permanently, you’re going to have to try a different way.
Okay, so as of now, you’ve lost more than 8 pounds and become a disgusting pile of bones and skin. How do you want to get back to a weight that does not horrify small children?
Great! Here’s the egg.
There we go. The delicious insides you love to slurp. Just look at that good old-fashioned muscle-building egg yolk!
You did it! You gained back the weight. Unfortunately, that yolk was too nutritious, and you ended up back at your starting weight. You’ll still have to lose 8 pounds if you want to be anywhere close to attractive, so let’s try another method, shall we?
Good choice! You’ve elected to be recruited by a professional soccer team. You now train with Real Madrid in hopes of becoming strong.
“Welcome,” they say. “Let’s get your weight up, skeleton man.”
Time to play soccer! Which soccer move would you like to do to gain weight?
You did it! You gained back the weight. Unfortunately, soccer was too powerful, and you ended up back at your starting weight. You’ll still have to lose 8 pounds if you want to be anywhere close to attractive, so let’s try another method, shall we?
Incredible! You are now motivated. All you can do is think about God’s finest creature—your former self. Now, let’s lose that weight!