The crowd is absolutely fucking losing it. They’re overjoyed that you have decided to be so bad at killing yourself for their viewing pleasure. Nice work.

Now that you’ve decided to be a daredevil, what do you want to do?

“Welcome to the store for clothes. I am here to sell you some shit to put on your body so people don’t have to be looking at your naked body all the time. How can I help you?”

“You’re in luck, because we have a sale on cool-ass daredevil clothes right now. Let me show you some!”

“A daredevil would look great flailing around in this, don’t you think? Unfortunately, it’s not for sale. I just wanted to show it to you.”

“I told you that it’s not for sale. It was given to me as a gift by the cast of ER. I don’t know why they gave it to me. I have never met any of them in my life. But one day I showed up to work and there it was, along with a note that said ‘For you, From Strangers.’ I can only assume that by ‘Strangers’ they must have meant the cast of ER, because I don’t know anyone in the cast of that show and therefore they are strangers to me. Anyway, I hope to one day bury my husband inside of it, so please choose a different outfit.”

“You are now looking at another great outfit for daredevils. It’s called a wet towel. It will keep you slightly clothed and slightly wet. Why not wear this?”

“Fabulous. Now you really look like the next great daredevil. I hope you fail at suicide a hundred times and get very famous for it.”

Jesus motherfucking Christ, the crowd simply cannot handle itself because they are so in love with your new daredevil outfit. Nice work. What the hell are you going to do now?

“And here is helmet. It is a device used to keep hair from falling out of your head when you’re traveling at a high speed. This is a good outfit for a daredevil to have.”

The first daredevil you think about is the very famous stuntman Peter Dafnee. Here he is doing his famous squatting stunt where he would squat for three days straight without once taking the Lord’s name in vain. Truly, he is one of the great daredevils of our time.

The Falling Britney! Her signature stunt was jumping out of a plane and falling on Catherine Zeta-Jones. She performed this incredible aerial feat thousands of times over the course of her career, earning herself millions of fans and worldwide acclaim. She is a legendary stunter, to say the least.

You smile reverently as you think about Bailey McMurtry, the reluctant daredevil who accidentally coaxed an elephant to climb onto his back and then had to stay like that for the rest of his life. What an icon.

And of course you have to think about Petit Martin, who is the only known daredevil to have successfully completed the notorious stunt that is now named after him, as depicted above. Remarkable.

It is true that there are many great daredevils who have botched their suicides in front of large crowds before you. But now it is your turn to be bad at dying in public. The crowd is screaming your name. Are you ready to stunt?

Awesome. How do you want to do a bad job at ending your life in public?

You do the stunt, and the crowd goes fucking nuts. A man comes forward.

“That was incredible,” he says. “Me and my friends from the crowd all thought you were going to die, but you fucked it up entirely and somehow managed to survive. Thank you for being so bad at dying in front of us.”

“Would you really?” he exclaims. “That would be amazing. Please sign my orb.”

“My orb!” he screams gleefully as you sprint away with his orb. “This daredevil has done the life-threatening stunt of stealing my precious orb! Surely, this is a suicide attempt if I have ever witnessed one, and yet he lives! All hail the next great daredevil!”

Look at these screaming idiots. You have successfully seduced them with your poorly planned self-harm. Well done. But don’t get cocky. You’ve still got a ways to go before you’re the next great daredevil. What’s your next move?

“Hello. My name is Leonardo Valdez, and I am the premier daredevil trainer. I used to be a daredevil myself, but I had to retire after a stunt completely severed my zipper and made it impossible for me to zip up my hoodie ever again. Ever since that fatal accident, I have dedicated my tragic life to training the world’s best daredevils. Are you ready to train?”

“What the fuck do you want?” asks the world’s greatest daredevil.

“Sure,” he says, reluctantly signing your orb. “Anything else?”

“I’ll tell you the same thing I tell everyone who asks me for advice on becoming the next great daredevil: Right before you do a stunt, think about a freaky-lookin’ scarecrow.”

“I don’t know. I just like thinking about a freaky-lookin’ scarecrow every now and then, and I wish more people would do it sometimes too.”

“Holy shit, that thing is freaky-lookin’. Damn.”

“Whoa. That was freaky. Anyway. That’s the advice I always give. Good luck becoming the next great daredevil. I’m going to go be bad at dying in front of a thousand people.”

“Great. Let’s get started. What kinds of stunts do you want to train for?”

“See how long you can look at these knees.”

“One minute down. How much longer can you look at them? One of them is kind of fucked up. The other one is normal, more or less.”

“Nice. You are looking at the knees real hard, and it’s been two hours now. Keep going.”

“Hell yeah! It’s been three days, and you’re still looking at the knees! That’s fucking amazing.”

“Well, that was incredible! I’ve never seen someone look at the knees for as long as you did. You are ready to wow the world with your bad ideas for dying! Good luck!”

“All right. Here, we are doing one of the classically disappointing death techniques, which is falling out of the sky like a big old idiot. The key to this stunt is deciding what thing you’re going to fall on. So, what are you going to fall on?”

“Nice! You chose a good thing to fall on, and you didn’t die. You definitely have what it takes to be the next great daredevil. Good luck on your bad suicide!”

“The motorcycle is the daredevil’s best friend. It goes too fast and is always trying to kill you. How would you like to train on the motorcycle?”

“Nice! You are now a master of the motorcycle. Looks like you’re ready to show the world that you are the next great daredevil! Good luck, and I hope you’re bad at becoming dead in front of lots of people.”

Goddamn, just look at these euphoric shitheads. They can’t wait for you to do death bad. Well, this is your chance. Are you ready to prove to them that you’re the next great daredevil?

Awesome. All the great daredevils do their stunts at canyons, which are places where the ground forgot. This is what makes them good for potential death.

Look at that. The crowd followed you all the way to the canyon. What a nice crowd! Time to prove to them that you are the next great daredevil. Which stunt do you want to do?

Suddenly, you are approached by a representative of the company that makes orbs.

“Hello. I am a representative of the company that makes orbs.”

“Sure,” she says, signing your orb.

“Our company has heard about how you are going to be bad at murdering yourself with this canyon, and we would really love to sponsor your strange demise. Would you be interested in being sponsored by orbs?”

“That’s disappointing. We were going to pay you with this.”

She holds up an orb.

“Oh, well. Good luck being risky in a canyon.”

“Great. Here is your payment.”

She hands you an orb.

“You’re welcome. Good luck being risky in a canyon.”

Incredible. The crowd loved your stunt, and all the people are quietly saying “Fuck” to themselves because they are so amazed. This guy comes up to you and says this:

“I liked watching your risky behavior in the canyon. Could you please endanger yourself again, but this time on a motorcycle?”

“Amazing. I was sure the motorcycle would kill you, but then you proved me wrong. You must be the next great daredevil! And if you don’t believe me, ask my friend Jennifer from the crowd.”

“Hey, it’s me, Jennifer, from the crowd. Just wanted to say that I think you’re the next great daredevil.”

How would you like to prepare for your stunt?

Damn. That’s freaky-lookin’.

You get down on your hands and knees and pray to the Lord.

“Okay,” says God.

Good idea. It’s important to stretch before you do stunts.