The forest can be very pleasant, but there’s also definitely some weird shit in there that is fucked-up and dangerous. Can you have a low-key forest adventure where nothing bad really happens and you just have a good time?
Look, pal, this isn’t about risking your life or getting into trouble. It’s about venturing into the forest and having a nice, calm time in nature. If you want to dip into some dangerous bullshit, why don’t you join a biker gang or something?
“We’re The Ruckus Riders, the wildest gang of motorcyclers in the world. We heard you were interested in danger and possibly almost dying on a regular basis. Is that true?”
The Ruckus Riders point their guns at you as a sign of respect.
“Awesome. You’re a Ruckus Rider now! Let’s go be dangerous on a motorcycle and in our daily lives!”
You Joined A Biker Gang!
Unable to commit to the terms of a low-key forest adventure, you join a biker gang and dedicate the rest of your life to living dangerously. You’ll probably die young and in a horrible but also cool way. This is what you wanted, so congrats on that.
Awesome. How would you like to begin your low-key forest adventure?
Great idea! Now bugs aren’t going to be able to get in the way of your low-key forest adventure. Nice!
Better safe than sorry. Good call!
All right. You’re probably good to go on the bug spray. Time to start your low-key adventure in the forest!
Oh, no! You used so much bug spray that you became a popular way for bugs to commit suicide. Thousands of bugs consume you, seeking to end their sad little lives. You have failed to have a low-key forest adventure. Sorry.
Good call. You definitely don’t want to get dehydrated. That would be super not low-key.
Okay, well, wait a second. Now we’re getting into some potentially dangerous territory. There could be all sorts of gross stuff in that water—bacteria, animal feces, maybe even human feces. Besides, why would you drink from the stream when you already have a water bottle to drink from? Isn’t that just unnecessarily risky?
Nice. Keepin’ it real low-key. Now what do you want to do?
The forest is so beautiful.
Nothing more low-key than going on a stroll through the forest.
Aw, crap, here we go. Let’s see what these two want.
“Hey, we’re lost and can’t find our parents. Can you help us?”
Well, that’s great. Just great. Now you’re playing babysitter for a couple of toddlers whose parents are missing and maybe even dead. This is just about the least low-key thing imaginable. What even is this now? It’s not even an adventure anymore. It’s, like, a real-life situation. Jesus fucking Christ. Forget it. Forget this whole thing. It’s ruined.
Good instinct. Helping these kids is definitely not low-key. They’ll probably be fine on their own.
Nothing better than spending time doing low-key things in nature. Hope nothing weird or fucked-up happens.
Hmm. That’s kind of weird. Probably best just to ignore it.
Technically this is low-key, but it’s also kind of strange and stressful. Let’s move on.
Goddammit, now you’ve become entranced by this weird fucking thing. You should’ve seen this coming.
Okay, well, now this is officially a bad experience in the forest. It’s sad because everything was pretty goddamn low-key before you decided to plop down and start watching this freak throw his stupid ball up and down. Now you’re probably going to be kind of traumatized from watching this bullshit. Oh well.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. That is one seriously low-key boat. Right on!
Going on a low-key forest adventure can get pretty exciting. Make sure you remember to breathe!
These flowers are both beautiful and 100 percent low-key. Awesome.
Uh-oh. This looks like an abandoned cabin. What do you want to do?
Whoa! It’s your dad!
“Hey there, kid,” says your father, the man who raised you, a man with whom you share countless dear childhood memories. “Probably a bad idea to be snooping around cabins in the forest. It could end up being not very low-key. You’re lucky this is my spittin’ cabin, where I come to leisurely spit, and not some psychopath’s murderin’ cabin. Anyway, I love you very much and you are my child.”
“Why, sure, you can spit with your old man for a bit,” he says. The two of you spend a solid three hours together just spitting. The bond between you two has never been stronger, and you achieved it through the low-key activity of spitting in the forest. Well done!
Wow. What a nice moss-covered log. What do you want to do here?
You spotted a toad. Nice!
Oh, no! You had such a low-key time that you died. That’s really sad.
“Oh, fuck, that’s so dumb,” he screams. “You’re such an idiot, and I can’t believe you exist in part because of me. Ugh, this sucks.”
Oh, jeez. You just found an old mine. This is definitely not low-key. Maybe you should just turn back before anything bad happens.
Goddammit, now you’re inside the mine. This is bad. What the hell are you doing?
Oh, no. This is one of those Nude Mines where you’re allowed to mine in the nude. One of the nude miners greets you with a nude wave.
“Welcome to the Nude Mine,” he says, entirely nude. “Interested in mining with your clothes off?”
“Suit yourself,” says another one of the miners who is not wearing any clothes at all, not even underwear. “Have a nice day.”
You Caused A Mine Collapse!
Terrible. Your loud enthusiasm for mining in the nude caused a mine collapse that killed you and all the nude miners. This was supposed to be a low-key forest adventure, but you turned it into some bullshit adrenaline-junkie thrill ride. And now you’re dead. Nice.
Good idea to leave that mine. Now you can get back to having a nice, low-key time in the woods. Speaking of which, look at this beautiful moss-covered log. What do you want to do here?
Wow. This is really special. How many can you catch?
That’s so cool.
You reach the edge of the forest as the sun sets. Wow. You did it! You had a low-key forest adventure!
Whoa. Shouting is not low-key. You were so close to having a nice, low-key forest adventure and you fucked it up at the last second. What a disaster!
Good job! Whispering is extremely low-key. You truly are a pro when it comes to going on a low-key forest adventure. Awesome!
Wow! You found a rusty old can! Very cool find.
So cool. Look at these bones! What kind of animal do you think they came from?
Come on, buddy. This is supposed to be a low-key forest adventure. Please try to refrain from escalating the stakes. Let’s just say these are animal bones and call it a day, all right? All right. Moving on.
Yeah, probably.
You spend the whole day reading all 35 volumes of Peter Danté’s Essential Guide To Having A Low-Key Time In The Forest and never actually make it into the forest. But that’s okay, because you learned all three “Forest Facts”:
1. The ground is dirty.
2. Trees are there.
3. Some birds are also there.
Good work!
Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this guy? You should definitely not talk to him. It would almost certainly complicate this forest adventure, which has been so low-key up until now.
“Hello there,” says the sobbing old man. “I am just crying thinking about the idea of Johnny Cash getting stung by a stingray. Oh, my, it’s such a terrible thought to think of the greatest country-western musician of the 20th century getting harmed by an aquatic animal, and it is making me miserable just picturing it in my brain. Let me talk to you about it for too long.”
Well, shit. Now you have to listen to this old guy’s sad idea of Johnny Cash getting stung by a stingray. So much for your low-key forest adventure. You really should’ve seen this coming.
Hmmm...this guy seems suspicious. Probably best to ignore him and continue strolling through the forest.
That Guy Murdered You
Are you really surprised? He definitely looked like a guy who would murder you. You know, this could’ve been nonstop good times if you had played your cards right. You could’ve gotten through this whole forest adventure if you had just kept it low-key, seen some nature, maybe climbed a tree or something, and called it a day. Oh well.
Phew! Good job ignoring those potential dangers and keeping things low-key. Now what do you want to do?