Blackjack indeed!

Smooth news: Your age is true blackjack, which means your medical situation is a triumph, which means you are definitely fine, my man and lady! Blackjack is the mint condition, the only one anyone knows about that fully kings your body and then bulldozes every last symptom into Hell. The new scientists know of nothing better. Excellent job on being this way!

Treatment options for blackjack

No treatment necessary! You’re safely the blackjack kid, quick and light and powerful in a personal way. So go have a crazy time. Enjoy it, because even though blackjack is infinite, not all things about you are. Death may snatch your head in a week or two, and that, friend, is a solid-gold medical guarantee. All the newest scientists say so. Trust it!

Body type B: Flayed skin

Congratulations! Based on the symptoms you have specified, it seems as though you are experiencing body type B, which is a wonderful and extremely important medical situation commonly known as completely flayed skin.

Completely flayed skin is characterized by the total loss of all skin, frequent blood loss, intense pleasure, extreme social embarrassment, fatigue, anxiety, and rapid death. If you are experiencing flayed skin (and, my fortunate man and lady, it seems that you most definitely are) it is recommended that you contact your doctor immediately to tell him and her the smooth news.

Congratulations on your successful diagnosis.

Adult’s disease

Congratulations! Based on the symptoms you have specified, it seems you are deep in the throes of Adult’s disease.

Adult’s disease is the health horror in which the cells responsible for making you afraid and respectful of ambulances malfunction. Due to this, instead of pulling over to the side of the road to let ambulances pass, sufferers of Adult’s disease get out of their cars upon hearing a siren and walk directly to the middle of the road, where they are struck by every single ambulance that passes by. In extreme cases, this syndrome can be fatal.

My man and lady, thank you for reaching a successful diagnosis. You have Adult’s disease.

Hadgeforth’s doppelgänger

Oh, no. Based on the symptoms you have input to me, you are likely suffering from the nightmare effects of Hadgeforth’s doppelgänger (commonly known as Hadgeforth’s little twin).

Discovered by new scientist Michael Hadgeforth, HD is a disastrous condition in which a miniature version of Hadgeforth himself appears ready-made in the palm of your hand. Though he is smaller, the doppelgänger weighs exactly the same amount as the full Hadgeforth, putting immense strain on the patient’s hand.

Treatment options for Hadgeforth’s doppelgänger

Hadgeforth’s doppelgänger can be treated by drowning the small Hadgeforth in liquid. This should be done immediately, as untreated cases of Hadgeforth’s doppelgänger are liable to metastasize into a related complication called Hadgeforth’s Hadgeforth.

Hadgeforth’s Hadgeforth

Hadgeforth’s Hadgeforth is an advanced form of Hadgeforth’s doppelgänger in which a second, even smaller Hadgeforth appears in the palm of the doppelgänger. The smallest Hadgeforth weighs as much as the first Hadgeforth.

Treatment options for Hadgeforth’s Hadgeforth

There are no known treatments for Hadgeforth’s Hadgeforth. Once the contagion is contracted, progression to The Nested Hadgeforths is inevitable.

The Nested Hadgeforths

Scientists no longer distinguish between stages of the disease following Hadgeforth’s Hadgeforth. They are all called The Nested Hadgeforths, and The Nested Hadgeforths are forever. There is no end to Hadgeforth. There can be no treatment. It is useless. It is over. Hadgeforth is infinite. Hadgeforth prevails.

Amen

Probably just pregnant

Smooth news! Looking at the overall profile of symptoms you just got real with me about, it seems probable that you are merely pregnant regarding a forthcoming child. Nothing more than this, my man and lady. Thank you for achieving this diagnosis and for being online. Now, you deserve to go out and have a crazy time.

Treatment options for probably just pregnant

Smooth news: Being pregnant typically resolves itself within 10 to 12 months of diagnosis. Congratulations on this nice diagnosis!

Bruised knee

Given the wide-ranging and confusing nature of the symptoms you say you are experiencing, it seems increasingly likely that you are suffering a severe case of the disease known as bruised knee.

This unwelcome affliction is believed to be a knee-related condition that affects about three in 100 Americans. Bruised knee is not contagious among humans. However, it is possible to contract bruised knee by smashing your knee at high speed into the door of a car.

Treatment options for bruised knee

Bruised knee is a vicious condition that instantly impacts the lives of anyone diagnosed with it, as well as those of their families and friends. If you have bruised knee, I suggest you consider attending one of the following weekly groups:

• “Americans Living With Bruised Knee Support Group”
  
• “Bruised Knee And Me: A Weekly Story Of Triumph”
  
• “The Bruised Knee Brigade”

My man and lady, I confess to you: I have had bruised knee for nearly six years. It has been a very difficult part of my life, and there were times when I didn’t think I could go on. But these supportive groups have helped me more than I can say. Perhaps they can help you too. Thank you, and congratulations on your diagnosis.

Jonathan Symptrome

Whoa, and I regret to say, oh no! If you are not lying about your health horrors, then you are likely experiencing Jonathan Symptrome (pictured here).

Jonathan Symptrome operates via a madhouse chemical process called mimesis in which normal objects (e.g., shoes and children) continue on the surface to appear like the familiar things you know. However, your personal brain becomes aware that they are in fact Jonathan Symptrome, the conscious man-disease who thrills at the kill.

You know that this is not smooth news. Your mind is being dogged by Jonathan Symptrome. According to the newest scientists, the experience of Jonathan Symptrome is both unlikely and very bad for you.

Treatment options for Jonathan Symptrome

Okay, if you’re really hurting for something useless to know about Jonathan Symptrome, here’s the tale: In his early age, Jonathan was an idealistic new scientist who swore to avenge himself against whatever epidemic was killing everyone born before 1850.

But growth and tragedy corrupted his bad body, and today he is one of the diseases, a villain moving in silence trying to ambush every soul. Fair warning, my man and lady! If the symptoms you’ve said are true, it may not be long before every last object you see is hallucinatorically substituted for Jonathan Symptrome. And this, this can be the roughest stuff of all. Good luck in life, and congratulations once again on your successful diagnosis.

Counterclockwise limbs disorder

My man and lady, that clinches it. Based on the family history and symptoms you have lifted, I feel confident in concluding that you are suffering from counterclockwise limbs disorder, or counterclockwise limbs and head disorder.

CLD is a substitution disorder in which the hands, feet, and head are all shifted one position counterclockwise around the body. The right hand thus protrudes from the neck, the head protrudes from the left hand, the left hand from the left leg, the left foot from the right leg, and the right foot from the right hand. The condition is benign.

This condition is known to afflict more than 50 million Americans, though all of the newest scientists suspect that the majority of cases of counterclockwise limbs disorder remain undiagnosed.

Treatment options for counterclockwise limbs disorder

The medically recommended treatment for counterclockwise limbs disorder is to be drawn and quartered by the four current governors of Utah, New Mexico, Arizona, and Colorado.

Good luck with this, and congratulations on an accurate and satisfying diagnosis!

Big problem

Well, based on the medical profile you just went on about, it seems that you are experiencing symptoms consistent with a big problem. This is a condition affecting 1 to 2 percent of Americans, and is characterized mainly by a big and important thing in your life going wrong forever.

Common brands of a big problem include a health problem, a brain problem, a huge problem, a deadly problem, a genital problem, a long problem, a sad or angry problem, and an unfortunate problem.

The epidemiology of a big problem is a focus of ongiong research. Contributing factors may include a little problem, a small problem, and a problem that is perfectly natural and normal until it isn’t.

Treatment options for a big problem

There are currently no known treatments for a big problem, and there never will be. Thanks, and congratulations again on your diagnosis.

PIDNP

I have some very rough stuff to report, my man and lady. The symptomatic profile you are producing reveals that you are certainly suffering from the malady known as Permanently Impaired Dog Numerosity Processing (PIDNP).

This is a grim medical situation in which your personal brain’s hot take on how many dogs there are becomes a muddleheaded mishmash. People suffering from PIDNP are especially prone to looking at a picture of a single dog and saying, “That is 1,000 dogs,” and are equally likely to read a story about a mailman getting attacked by one large dog, shake their husband or wife awake in the middle of the night, and say with confidence, “The mailman was maimed by a hundred thousand medium-sized dogs.”

Treatment options for PIDNP

One popular and effective course of action regarding PIDNP is to talk to your congressman. Research suggests that the topic of conversation doesn’t matter. It can be anything from sports to disease to your personal disdain for the idea of being “politically correct.” All the newest scientists currently support the idea that simply talking to your congressman once a week activates a jackpot chemical pathway in your nervous system that dumps gallons and gallons of nutritious blood on your brain!

The great hope of modern medicine is that this blood dump will somehow prove useful in solving PIDNP, along with any other diseases. At the moment, however, there is no way to be sure if it helps at all.

Well, good luck with your problems, and thank you, in any case, for receiving this successful diagnosis!

Rocky times

Youch. Based on the nasty symptoms you’ve been into, it sounds as though you and your sweet body may be on the rocks. You display the hallmark signs of going through rocky times.

As for the biological causes of rocky times, they’re a matter of debate among all the newest scientists. According to Hadgeforth’s theory of rocky times, they are produced when your stomach develops a wish to eat your spine and, realizing that it will never come close to accomplishing this, becomes homicidal.

In any case, the rocky times are a tragic malady that affects exactly 200 Americans at any given moment. If you are experiencing some of those rocky times with your bod, you sure may be in for a spin.

Treatment options for rocky times

No lies from me here: The rocky times are rough stuff for certain. They happen all over the place in America today, with no true escape. The fact is that every family is having them to some level or another, small to large and good and bad, all of this according to the latest scientists who get things right.

However, I will point you at a tiny shard of consolation. Remember how I said the rocky times dog exactly 200 Americans at once? Well, my fine man and lady, the smooth news is as follows: The fact that you’ve contracted these rocky times means that, somewhere out there, there is another American for whom the rocks are not so long and sharp anymore. Life is actually pretty great for them now. So, in some small medical way, it’s like you have made an amazing Christlike sacrifice. And that’s a guaranteed beautiful fact for you to tell people!

But yes, you do unfortunately have the rocky times, which is too bad. Have fun scraping yourself out of this disaster, and thank you for coming here and achieving such a successful diagnosis!

Facial muttering (outdoor remarks)

The specific kind of facial muttering you are experiencing appears to be facial muttering of outdoor remarks.

People afflicted with this condition often experience repeated facial remarks such as “It’s in the forest now,” “Cows are all around,” and “Let’s go on a long hike.”

Suggested treatments for facial muttering of outdoor remarks include sitting down, looking at a television, and being silent.

Thank you for accomplishing such a successful diagnosis!

Facial muttering (Ancient remarks)

The specific kind of facial muttering you are experiencing appears to be facial muttering of ancient remarks.

People afflicted with this condition often experience repeated facial remarks such as “Plato the current celebrity” and “I’m in ancient Athens for the long haul.”

Suggested treatments for facial muttering of ancient remarks include sitting down, spending time with modern talkers and thinkers, and being silent.

Thank you for accomplishing such a successful diagnosis!

Facial muttering (funeral film remarks)

The specific kind of facial muttering you are experiencing appears to be facial muttering of funeral film remarks.

People afflicted with this condition often experience repeated facial remarks such as “The camera stops moving and the hearse drives away,” “There’s the tripod visible in the shot with the mourners,” “Cuts toward camera and you get a shot of the widow in the wide,” and “This last shot, 19F, will be the one where we see an X-ray of the earth showing the buried guy dancing inside the coffin.”

Suggested treatments for facial muttering of funeral film remarks include winning a 48-hour film competition, thinking about living people, and being silent.

Thank you for accomplishing such a successful diagnosis!

Facial muttering (miscellaneous remarks)

The specific kind of facial muttering you are experiencing appears to be facial muttering of gibberish remarks.

People afflicted with this condition often experience tragic repeated facial remarks such as “lank,” “banana,” “Jeb,” and “warm.”

Suggested treatments for facial muttering of miscellaneous remarks include reading a thousand books and being silent.

Thank you for accomplishing such a successful diagnosis!

Wordal condemnment

Rough stuff, my man and lady: Your brainary languageboard has been wordally condemned.

I’m bad sorry. You speech and reading have just...ashed. It’s true. I am not having trash with you. No more understanding following your permanent wordal condemnment. No grasp about anything. No more sense with the words now, now the meaning is fired now and now gone.

Regrettish bughorns redound it all, end of you as the finespeaker, such the saneless forevergone mambler you’re to take as you. Yes, as you! Hundred hundred Apollo G’s Fourier lifelong hardshits, you shame and fillsy finespeaker who are foul gridden of condemnment and then this new jammed-out clussfreak bestriddled with your prospracting hapless and alltime langual worvery. Tambrous daydisk malfarction, nonendful errorizing, yes you wordle such and such, and on and on, the imbraggished chustlebus.

Yes, you are a diagnosis.