Hello! If you’re here, it’s because you hate being human and instead yearn to be God’s finest creation: a bird. Is that true?
Great, that’s wonderful news! A bird is a big bushel of feathers with a sharp bone-mouth stuck right below two jet-black, beady eyeballs. What kind of bird do you want to be?
Hey, dickhead—if you want to be a dog, that’s fine, but don’t you fucking do it here. You knew this was about birds, so if you’re not into flapping or sitting on some round-as-shit eggs, then fuck you, okay?
Jesus Christ, why in God’s name would you choose this hairy garbage bag filled with feathers and viscera? If Darwin had seen this thing, he would have renounced evolution and instantly thrown himself off his own boat. What do you even want to do as this monster?
Good choice. The world was unbearable until the exact moment you died. Please, if you ever choose to be that bird again, do the world a favor and end your life again.
Great choice! You’ve decided to be a house sparrow, and you are currently living in your North American natural habitat, the 700,000-volt power line. How are you feeling right now?
Yes. Unfortunately, not even a house sparrow can withstand touching a 700,000-volt power line. Every rat, squirrel, and bird that perches on those things is on a veritable suicide mission, and you were no different. RIP.
That’s right! You’re hungry, a feeling that happens when birds want to put several worms into their stomachs and shit them out at a later date. Where would you like to look for worms today?
Great! You have chosen to look within yourself for worms. So, if you, as a sparrow, would like to find a worm, first you must ask yourself: Are you yourself the worm?
Well, that was a nice thought, but unfortunately, nature does not have time for philosophical quandaries. While we may all wish to be the worm, in nature, only the worm may be the worm. RIP, bird.
Well, if you are not yourself the worm, then you must ask yourself: Are the worms themselves within you? Are you, body and soul, filled with thousands upon thousands of worms?
You did it! After looking deep within yourself, you found worms, but unfortunately, they were the kind that live inside you and eat you from the inside out. Good find! You got sick and then you died. Such is nature!
Think for a moment: If you are not a worm, and there are no worms within you, then do worms even exist? You search the deep recesses of your mind for answers until you ultimately starve to death. Perhaps next time, look to the physical world for answers!
Ah, the sky! An excellent place to look for worms and grubs. How will you find your lunch today?
Wow, not a second after you started wiggling and squawking in the sky, your prey has already become attracted to you. First things first, though: Is this a worm?
Oh, hell yes, what a beautiful worm! It looks absolutely juicy and delicious for your many bird tastebuds. What would you like to do with this high-flying treat?
Oh, no! You had the most delicious meal of your life, but birds such as yourself have a limit to how much pleasure they can experience, and you exploded. Feathers and viscera and metal rods flew everywhere, making even more food for other birds. Better luck next time!
Oh, no! You had sex with your food! You had the most mind-blowing two hours of sex of your life, but then your meal flew away, and you starved to death in the air before you could commit suicide from your shame. Also, God sent you to hell forever for fornicating with a worm, and now you have to hang out with this guy, the devil. Yikes.
Okay, if it’s not a worm, not much use eating it! But look what else you found! How about this juicy-looking thing—is this thing a worm?
Nice! Look at that worm go! Anything that digs through sky dirt that fast must taste amazing. What would you like to do with it?
Oh, hello! Just as you’re about to show that delicious, juicy morsel who’s the boss of the skies, you see this thing. Huh, what is this part of the worm?
Whoa, even better! What would you like to do with this smaller and probably more tender thing?
Aw, bummer! You tried to eat the worm, but instead the worm ate you. Luckily, you contributed to the food chain in some constructive way, because the worm got so full that it fell out of the sky. That’s nature vs. nurture for you!
You did it! You fucked this worm so hard that it got pregnant and fell out of the sky into the part of the ground that isn’t soil. Then it gave birth to your children, which are already floating. Congratulations!
Guess that’s also not a worm! Let’s try again. How about this sexy, spindly thing—is this a worm?
Nice! This is one sultry and delicious-looking morsel that is purple, the shade that birds know to be the color of royalty! What would you like to do with it?
Whoa! You can’t eat that terrible worm! You swallowed it in one gulp, and it was the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted, but then you died immediately. As the light faded from your eyes one last time, you heard a bellowing voice say, “Thou shalt not eat thine own kind” and then you were eviscerated immediately. Still worth it, though.
Oh God oh God oh GOD, look what your terrible fucking has created. Firstly, why did you go and pleasure that worm, and secondly, why did God allow this monstrosity to be born? When you first hatched a single giant egg, you thought, Hey, this could have been from one of my many sexual escapades, but when it hatched, you knew it could have only been from one place: that goddamn horrible worm. Now you must raise your devil children. Godspeed.
Okay. Fine, still no worms. So, how about this? This has to be a worm, right?
Hell yeah! This is the kind of meal you get for holding out for so long, and what a gorgeous, glowing worm in the sky it is. What would you like to do with your most perfect prey?
Delicious! You fly up through the stratosphere and into deep space, and then have the most delicious meal of your life on the surface of the giant molten worm. However, you suddenly find that there’s no air for your avian lungs to breathe, and you suffocate to death during your meal. Still worth it, though!
Ah, hubris, the downfall of bird. Unfortunately, you have become a modern Icarus, the boy who died trying to fuck the sun. Why? Because you tried to fuck the sun. So let this be a lesson to you, one that you will not soon forget: Don’t do that again. Okay?
Well, you starved to death. You looked in the sky, and though you found a good many worms, you were too prideful to eat any of them. So, of course, you got too hungry, immediately disintegrated into a skeleton, and fell from the sky. Maybe next time remember that you are a bird with a digestive system, not God.
Ah, the ground! Exactly where God intended all animals to be, including worms and those with wings. So, how will you find your lunch today?
Wow, great choice! Not a second after you started moving around in that sickly bird way, this beautiful thing shows up. First things first, though: Is this a worm?
Oh, hell yes, what a delicious, soggy worm! It looks absolutely mouth-watering to your weird bony mouth. What would you like to do with this hot, wet treat?
Hello, that’s the stuff! Your body has never felt like this before—filled with pleasure, and also covered in different oils than usual. What would you like to do to show how amazing you feel?
Hello, that’s the stuff! What a beautiful and soft nest, perfect for sitting on or living in for the rest of your life! What would you like to do first to your new home on the ground?
Oh, well, not much use in eating it if it’s not a worm. But look at this long, sultry thing! Is this a worm? This thing’s got to be a worm.
That’s the stuff—what a delicious, burnt worm! That’s just about the tastiest thing your dead bird eyes have ever seen. What would you like to do with this nice, dry meal?
Oh, hell yes! Your feathers ruffle, your body changes—this worm is everything you could have ever dreamed. What would you like to do to show how amazing you feel?
Oh, hell yeah, what a sturdy nest, perfect for perching or sitting in forever as a bird! What would you like to do first to your new home on the ground?
No? Well, you’re so hungry, and the only thing around is this terrible object. What’s your last resort?
Uh-oh! Looks like you were too happy. Out of nowhere, the tiny holes in your head detect a loud, angry noise, and you open your eyes to see this thing. But wait a minute...is this a worm?
What luck, to find a worm like this after everything you, as a bird, have been through! What would you like to do with this worm?
Wow, you took a nice big bite of that worm! Unfortunately, this worm was the sensitive kind, because it got mad at you and tried to eat you back. Now you’re both dead! Classic nature.
Nice! You fucked the worm so hard it exploded. Unfortunately, though, in the process of fucking, you also exploded. Whether it was from pleasure or it was God telling you not to have sex with that, you are dead. Lesson learned!
Not a worm? Weird. What should you do then?
Well, you just fucking stood there and looked at it. So it killed you! But you also drove it to suicide. So, win-win? Great!
Amazing choice! Forget that thing—it’s time to fly! First things first: Is this the sky?
Flying is going great so far! How about this? Is this the sky?
You are the best flier in the world! Now this: Is this the sky?
Yes, yes, yes! This must be the sky, right? Flying is fun and easy! Is this the sky?
Oh, sure! If that’s not the sky, you should definitely find it. Is this the sky?
Well, you got too picky. If neither of those two things was the sky, then what is? We guess your bird eyes will never know, because you crashed into something that wasn’t the sky and died on impact. RIP.
Wow! You flew into the sky and died! Who knew the sky was so hard and terrible? Man, it’s hard to be a bird out there. Specifically, one that flies. Nice try!
Victory! You are such a good bird. You are so good that you got to meet the bird god: this thing. This thing loves you and is divine. Congratulations!
Nice! You are all horned up, most definitely the thirstiest bird within hundreds of square miles of here—but you know what? There’s only one place you can go to find that sweet release and rub your bird hole against something else. Where’s the best spot to get that engine revved?
Great choice! Trees are amazing places for birds to fuck. Say, is there anything in this tree that your bird body would seriously like to bone?
Hell yeah! That’s one sexy bird. How do you want to pleasure this sexy, sexy bird?
Amazing! You fucked that bird, and it loved it more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, though, you pleasured the bird so well that it ate you in a post-coital frenzy in order to enjoy you longer. Bottom line: Love isn’t easy, even as a bird.
Hell yeah! How do you want to pleasure this sexy bird?
Amazing! You fucked that bird, and it loved it more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, the smaller bird got jealous and ate you while you were mid-avian-orgasm. Bottom line: Love isn’t easy, no matter what species you are.
Ah, so you think you can do better, huh, big guy? Well, what about this thing? Is this thing more your speed? Would this bird be more amenable to your filthy avian tastes?
Fuck yeah! How do you want to pleasure this sexy bird?
You absolutely sure you’re not into this? You’re gonna need to say that one more time. Hard to imagine too many birds saying no to this fella.
Yeah! You did it! You shoved feathers into each other’s bird holes and flapped around until a bunch of eggs fell out of you, which is your version of an avian orgasm. Then, six months later, they hatched into this—the most beautiful bird in the entire world! Excellent choice! So very glad you were horny!
Fine, you pretentious weirdo. How about this, then? Would you rather mate with whatever this is? Is this the only bird that will satisfy you? Is this what you want?
Well, you exploded from horniness. You were too good to fuck any of the birds in that nearby tree, and you died because of it. Birds can’t go more than 35 minutes without having sex, so now your feathers and viscera are everywhere. Maybe try boning something next time.
Cool, you fucked that thing and had these weirdo bird babies. You totally have what it takes to survive in the wild! As such, your offspring are terrible and hairy, just like the bird sex you had. Enjoy your life raising these things, and good luck looking at what they grow up to be!
Great choice! Underwater is the perfect place for finding hot, easy birds to fuck. Say, is there anything here that your avian body would seriously go to town on?
Hell yeah! How do you want to pleasure this sexy bird?
Congratulations! You are no longer horny, because you had sex with that soggy bird from the swamp and made many children, one of whom is this thing! Unfortunately, those same children also ate you—again, see above. Best parent ever? Definitely!
Hell yeah! How do you want to pleasure this sexy bird?
Whoops! You took this bird to pleasure heaven, but then it killed you mid-orgasm! At some point, you went so deep down into it that you stopped breathing, which was great until it became a problem. Unfortunately, some birds can only experience love so fully!
Okay! The deep sea is full of sexy birds. Which of these babes would you like to give that sweet release?
Hell yes! Let’s start with this little number! How do you want to blow this bird’s mind?
Whoops! You took this bird to pleasure heaven, but then it killed you mid-orgasm! At some point, you went so deep down into it that you stopped breathing, which was great until it became a problem. Unfortunately, this is the only way some birds can experience orgasm!
Whoops! You were too picky, so you died without a mate. At some point, you were so lonely that you stopped breathing, which was great until it became a problem. Unfortunately, some birds can only experience life so fully!
Hell yeah! If you’re going to get that sweet release, sometimes the only one you can rely on is yourself. How would you like to bring that bird body of yours to a place of wild, shivering ecstasy?
Whoa, incredible job! You pleasured yourself so much that you satisfied your itching bird needs! However, you did such a good job that you exploded. Your technique simply brought you so much pleasure that at some point, your body flew 10 feet in all directions, splattering the world with your feathers and viscera. Fortunately, though, you left these guys behind! Looks like you were a great bird after all!