[Enter INFORMATION BABY, with information.]
INFORMATION BABY:
All right, so, listen; here’s what’s going on:
It’s very long ago, and you’re some king
Named Duffton. You’re a man of wits and brawn
Who lives inside a castle. Everything
Was piping-hot delight for you non-stop,
But sadly, sour things are going down:
Your bad friend, Salmar, once among the top
Attendants in your court, now seeks the crown,
And he has plans to put you in the grave.
He even has an army full of guys!
So Duffton must force Salmar to behave
By killing him with murder till he dies.
So friends will battle, heroes rise, then fall,
And Fate will make a doofus of us all.
[INFORMATION BABY exits.]
[The War Room of Castle Duffton. Midnight. Enter SOFT MAURICE, the Royal Assistant to DUFFTON.]
SOFT MAURICE:
Lord Duffton, I’ve returned from the front lines,
Where Salmar’s forces march upon our gates.
Our soldiers are outnumbered, and it seems
As if the world is Sewer Juice for us.
SOFT MAURICE:
My lord, I fear we have few options left.
The octopus of choice has quick become
The legless eel of desperation. Yet,
Perhaps, though we can’t hope to win by force,
Diplomacy may save us. Go and speak
With Salmar and convince him to call off
His traitorous campaign.
[SALMAR’s battle tent. SALMAR stands in the middle of the tent, flexing his biceps for nobody. Enter DUFFTON.]
SALMAR:
Who goes there?
SALMAR:
It’s Duffton! You have come to me at last,
To face the ax of Salmar and then die!
It’s lovely to be Salmar all the time,
For Salmar kills the people he dislikes
And also is so strong, and often wet!
SALMAR:
For reasons that I’ll never understand,
King Duffton asked me if I’d use my ax
To make his head be gone. This made him dead,
Which I suppose is good for me, and yet
It’s so bizarre that Duffton asked for this.
The awful noise of Duffton’s joyous screams
As I ripped him apart will haunt my dreams.
[SALMAR exits, confused forever.]
[CURTAIN.]
SALMAR:
Impossible! I’ll fight you to the last!
I swear upon the moisture glistening
Upon my nice, wet body, I shall kill
Thee, Duffton. Get thee away from my sight.
Return now to your ugly castle fine,
The one that’s gorgeous and will soon be mine!
[Castle Duffton.]
SOFT MAURICE:
Alas, my lord, that didn’t work at all.
SOFT MAURICE:
I think, my lord, that you should see a witch,
The sorceress whose name is Magic Hag.
She hangs out in the swamp we know and love,
The one called Fancy Bog. The world’s top swamp!
The witch has nasty powers, and her spells,
Are garbage. Truly awful. But I fear
That she’s the only witch that is around.
She may give you the power that you need
To kill the evil Salmar.
[The Fancy Bog, the world’s top swamp. Enter DUFFTON and SOFT MAURICE.]
Soft Maurice:
Well, Fancy Bog is pretty much the best,
As far as local swamps go. It’s got mud,
And bugs and fish and mysteries and dirt.
It’s home to many wonders, and it’s graced
The cover of that famous magazine,
The one that they call Swamps And Food, Plus Guns.
SOFT MAURICE:
I’ve heard that if you drown in Fancy Bog,
You get to go to Heaven, and it’s great,
Because the angels laugh at you and say,
“There is the doofus who once up and died
In some amazing swamp. That fucking rules.
He sucks, and yet he is the coolest guy
Who’s ever been in Heaven. Now he’s God.”
[DUFFTON looks around Castle Duffton.]
[The Royal Kitchen in Castle Duffton. Enter DUFFTON. He sees MINALBO, the Royal Chef, moving pots and pans around and dumping flour into various vats.]
MINALBO:
Hello, sweet King! It’s me, Minalbo! Chef
Extraordinaire, and Royal Cook. I love
To boil meat, and one day I will die.
The one and only purpose of my life
Is cramming top-notch food straight down your throat.
It’s secretly my hope that someday soon
I can apply my culinary arts
To my own body, seasoning myself
With spices and then frying myself up
For you to eat. Oh, shit! It’s gonna rule!
I’ll cook myself in such amazing ways
And thus become my own most famous dish.
[DUFFTON looks around Castle Duffton.]
[The Royal Gardens of Castle Duffton. LADY DUFFTON, wife of DUFFTON, walks about the garden. Enter DUFFTON.]
LADY DUFFTON:
It’s me, your wife. We’re married.
SOFT MAURICE:
God damn it! There goes Duffton once again,
He’s always walking calmly into swamps
And drowning. Why is this a thing he does?
SOFT MAURICE:
Oh, fuck, he’s dead! That doofus went and drowned
In Fancy Bog. Who does a thing like that?
I hate him! Anyway, now Soft Maurice
Can go fulfill his dream of learning how
To play the bass guitar. I’ll play the bass
Until I die, and when I’m dead, the priest
Will say to people, “Here lies Soft Maurice:
He played the bass guitar and now he’s dead.”
And everyone will nod and say, “Who cares?”
What bliss! I cannot wait to live this life!
[SOFT MAURICE exits and learns to play the bass.]
[Heaven. THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY is hanging around Heaven, being magnificent. DUFFTON enters, wet and dead. He sees THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY.]
THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY:
It gives me huge delight to welcome you
To Heaven. Things are bad here. As for me,
I am magnificent.
[THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY nods.]
THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY:
You drowned? That rules! I’ll call the other guys
Who live in Heaven. They’ll all want to see
The idiot who drowned. You shall become
The Man Who Is In Charge. Hey, everyone!
Come here and see this guy! He’s wet and dead!
[The OTHER HEAVEN GUYS enter, less magnificent than THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY, but still fine.]
OTHER HEAVEN GUYS:
Where is he? Where’s the guy who drowned? We want
To worship him as God, but we all know
That God is worse than him, because not once
Has God, the Lord who made us, ever drowned.
And so he sucks. The Lord who made the sky
Is nothing but a desiccated clod.
King Duffton, on the other hand, is rad.
We’ll worship him forever. He’s the tops.
THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY:
Magnificent! And so it is decreed
That Duffton, the wet fucker that we hate,
Shall be the guy we worship as our God.
We love him. He’s the worst. He sucks and rules.
How fortunate we are, that we have found
King Duffton, the replacement God who drowned!
[All the OTHER HEAVEN GUYS kiss DUFFTON on the forehead. They hug him lovingly while they talk about how much they hate him. DUFFTON grins like an idiot for all eternity.]
[CURTAIN.]
[The War Room of Castle Duffton. SOFT MAURICE is examining various maps and being generally useful. Enter DUFFTON.]
SOFT MAURICE:
My lord! You’re back! I hope your trip around
The castle was productive. In the time
You were away from here, things got much worse,
And Salmar is much stronger than he was
Before you left, so now we’re really fucked.
[DUFFTON and SOFT MAURICE wander into the swampy forest. They encounter a MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN in a boat, dressed like Business.]
MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN:
Good Swamp Times to you, traveler! Hello!
I’m dressed like Business, and I’m in this boat.
Tremendous!
MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN:
My story? It’s a normal Swamp Man’s tale:
I climbed out of my father’s Special Egg
Like every single swamp man ever born.
My birth took place a thousand years ago,
When swamps were much more popular than now,
And everyone gave birth to good swamp men.
MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN:
Well, after I was born, I left my house
And crawled across the freeway to this swamp
And slithered underwater. There, I slept
For several thousand years. I then awoke
And started doing swamp things all the time.
I killed a guy and saw a dog. And then
I found this boat, and now I float around.
And thus concludes the epic saga of
Myself, the business-looking swamp buffoon.
MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN:
Of course I know where Magic Hag hangs out.
I‘ve lived in Fancy Bog for eons. I
Know every nook and cranny of this place,
Including Magic Hag’s clandestine lair.
She lives inside an ugly, gorgeous car
That’s hidden, tucked away within the reeds.
Its resting place has long been lost to time.
No living soul knows where, including me.
It’s over there. I’m pointing at it now.
[The MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN points at a beautiful, hideous convertible.]
SOFT MAURICE:
Behold, my lord, the witch’s Secret Car!
Be wary, Duffton. Witches are the worst.
They often try to trick you, and their spells
Are often packed with danger. I once knew
A normal guy who met a witch and she
Transformed him with a spell so he became
The 1995 Atlanta Braves.
I’m talking the entire goddamned team:
Greg Maddux, Chipper Jones, Brad Clontz—the works!
This one poor guy became, like, forty guys.
SOFT MAURICE:
My wretched friend became a writhing mass
Of baseball men. Eventually he won
The World Series, but this was no relief.
And now he roams the Earth. Yes, he became
A wailing hoard of men who lug around
A trophy as they weep and wander, damned
Forever to be forty-some-odd dudes,
Instead of just one guy. I hope he’s dead.
SOFT MAURICE:
Forgive me, lord. I’ll let the matter rest.
SOFT MAURICE:
When meeting an enchantress, don’t forget
To speak to her with deference. Also check
To see if she would like some diner mints,
Which all the men and women of our land
Adore and carry with them at all times.
[The Secret Car of MAGIC HAG, the extremely evil and incompetent witch. Enter DUFFTON.]
MAGIC HAG:
Who goes there? I am old and cannot see.
[MAGIC HAG becomes furious at DUFFTON’s insult. MAGIC HAG uses angry magic to turn DUFFTON into the seminal funk band PARLIAMENT.]
ALL THE MEMBERS OF PARLIAMENT IN UNISON:
In hindsight, that was very ill-advised.
I said, “Fuck you” to Magic Hag and now,
Although I once was Duffton, I’ve become
The famous funk ensemble Parliament.
Now put your hands together for the one
And only Tiki Fullwood on the drums!
George Clinton, living legend, on guitar!
And Clarence “Fuzzy” Haskins at the mic!
So Duffton’s tale concludes with much disgrace.
Please welcome Bootsy Collins on the bass.
[CURTAIN.]
MAGIC HAG:
My mints! These mints are mine! I love these mints!
You’ve made me very happy, Duffton! Mints!
To thank you for these mints, I will now give
You some cool favor: Something truly great
From my big, dreadful book of subpar spells.
I simply cannot overstate to you
How bad I am at magic. I’m the worst.
MAGIC HAG:
Behold, the Poison Egg! A venomous,
Utterly loathsome relic that I made
With my own nasty magic. Just one bite
Of this horrendous egg will make you dead.
[MAGIC HAG hands the Poison Egg to DUFFTON.]
MAGIC HAG:
You got it, Duffton. Here’s an awful spell.
[MAGIC HAG gives a magic cough and mutters some magic gibberish. The power of her magic conjures up those famous cartoon baseball players that we all love: MILO THE PITCHER and REESE THE CATCHER.
MILO and REESE clasp hands and smile at each other. They look at each other with eyes filled with love and friendship.]
MILO:
Let’s mail one hundred dollars to a man
Who’s currently in jail for murder.
REESE:
Yes.
[MILO and REESE mail $100 to a CONVICTED MURDERER. Then they disappear in a puff of magic smoke and return to the cartoon baseball world they came from.]
[Outside SALMAR’s battle tent. Enter DUFFTON, carrying Poison Egg.]
[SALMAR’s battle tent. Enter DUFFTON.]
SALMAR:
It’s Duffton! How I hate you! Do you dare
Disturb the mighty Salmar in his tent?
I’m huge and want to kill you. I am wet.
SALMAR:
Did you say “Normal Egg”?
SALMAR:
A Normal Egg! My favorite treat of all!
[SALMAR eats the Poison Egg.]
[SALMAR becomes a goddamned skeleton on account of the Poison Egg.]
SALMAR:
Oh, no! The end has come for Salmar! Shit!
I ate a Poison Egg and now am bones
That talk! Forgive me, Duffton, for my foul
Betrayal. Now I’m off to Heaven. God
Will touch my neck forever with His cold
And clammy fingers. Awesome. I can’t wait.
So Salmar dies, a man of sin and vice;
A traitor who is bound for paradise.
[SALMAR dies and goes to Heaven, where incredible things happen to him forever.]
[Castle Duffton. Enter DUFFTON and SOFT MAURICE.]
SOFT MAURICE:
With Salmar dead, the kingdom is at peace.
We never will be sad again. Goodbye.
[SOFT MAURICE dies of old age.]
[Enter SALMAR.]
SALMAR:
Behold! It’s me!
SALMAR:
I did. It was delicious. Best of all,
It killed me. Awesome. Who could ask for more
From any egg? And also, it was free!
SALMAR:
Allow me to explain why I’m alive:
The Poison Egg, the one that I just ate,
And which I’m holding in my hands right now,
Was made of awful magic. When I ate
The egg, it killed me, but it also made
Me live forever. I’m immortal now.
SALMAR:
I know it is. Whoever made the egg
Is super bad at magic, and their spells
Are total garbage.
[Enter LADY DUFFTON and MINALDO. They are both SALMAR. The THREE SALMARS hold hands with each other.]
ALL THREE SALMARS IN UNISON:
Salmar wins.
[The THREE SALMARS chop DUFFTON’s head off.]
DUFFTON’S SEVERED HEAD:
How twisted and unjust the Fates have been!
Poor Duffton’s dying! Take my severed head
To any Six Flags theme park. Trade it in,
And you’ll get thirty dollars off the price
Of entry. Offer only valid through
December of this year. And now I die.
ALL THREE SALMARS IN UNISON:
We are immortal, and we’ll never die.
[The poison from the egg they ate kills them.]
[CURTAIN.]
[Enter INFORMATION BABY.]
INFORMATION BABY:
What moral can be learned from sordid tales
Like this one? First of all, don’t ever ask
A witch for poison eggs. That always fails,
Because the egg will not fulfill its task.
It makes the guy you really want to kill
Become immortal. Second, if you use
A witch, be sure to read reviews. They will
Provide a helpful guide and help you choose
A witch who isn’t Sewer Juice. We’ve seen
How one-star witches really drop the ball,
And five-star witches’ prices are obscene,
So use a three-star witch, they’re best of all.
Please stuff these lessons deep inside your brain,
And Duffton’s death shall not have been in vain.
[INFORMATION BABY exits.]
[CURTAIN.]
[The Royal Gardens of Castle Duffton. LADY DUFFTON, wife of DUFFTON, walks about the garden with her two enchanted dogs. Enter DUFFTON.]
LADY DUFFON:
It’s me, your wife. We’re married.
[DUFFTON looks around Castle Duffton.]
[The Royal Kitchen in Castle Duffton. Enter DUFFTON. He sees MINALBO, the Royal Chef, moving pots and pans around and dumping flour into various vats.]
MINALBO:
Hello, sweet King! It’s me, Minalbo! Chef
Extraordinaire, and Royal Cook. I love
To boil meat, and one day I will die.
The one and only purpose of my life
Is cramming top-notch food straight down your throat.
It’s secretly my hope that someday soon
I can apply my culinary arts
To my own body, seasoning myself
With spices and then frying myself up
For you to eat. Oh, shit! It’s gonna rule!
I’ll cook myself in such amazing ways
And thus become my own most famous dish.
SOFT MAURICE:
I know it, Duffton. Often in the night,
You come to me while I am in the throes
Of some amazing dream. You wake me up
And tell me, “Soft Maurice, my favorite thing
Is death. I hope an anvil falls on me,
Or that a spider with a baby’s head
Devours my whole face on live TV.
I‘m wild for the Reaper. I must die.”
I beg you, don’t capitulate just yet
To evil Salmar. Try to save your throne.
SOFT MAURICE:
I know it, Duffton. Often in the night,
You come to me while I am in the throes
Of some amazing dream about a boat,
A ship with human lips that kisses squids,
And wake me up and tell me, “Soft Maurice,
I‘m wild for the Reaper. I must die.”
I beg you, don’t capitulate just yet
To evil Salmar. Try to save your throne.
[SALMAR’s battle tent. Enter DUFFTON disguised as SALMAR.]
SALMAR:
Who goes there? Oh, it’s Salmar, which is me.
No reason for suspicion. All is well.
SALMAR:
How dare you speak to me of eggs in times
Of war? You sicken me. Behold, my ax!
I’ll make this a decision you regret.
This blade spells doom for Duffton. I am wet.
[SALMAR uses his ax to slice through DUFFTON’s neck, thus separating DUFFTON’s head from the rest of DUFFTON. DUFFTON sees his body flopping around without a head and dies of embarrassment.]
[CURTAIN.]
THE PLAYERS:
DUFFTON: King of Castle Duffton
SOFT MAURICE: The Royal Assistant to DUFFTON
LADY DUFFTON: Wife of DUFFTON
SALMAR: DUFFTON’s bad friend, a traitor to the crown
MINALBO: The Royal Chef
THE MAGNIFICENT HEAVEN GUY: A magnificent guy in heaven
OTHER HEAVEN GUYS: Assorted angels
MYSTERIOUS SWAMP MAN: A mysterious swamp man
PARLIAMENT THE BAND: An influential funk outfit from the 1970s
MAGIC HAG: A one-star witch
MINTS: Some mints from a diner
MILO and REESE: Cartoon baseball players from a cartoon baseball realm
INFORMATION BABY: A baby in the know
SALMAR:
Oh, yeah, she sucks. She’s just the goddamned worst.
Whoever said to go to Magic Hag
Was awful at their job. Another thing:
Your married wife named Lady Duffton, plus
Your royal chef Minaldo both transformed,
Because of the bad magic in the egg,
And now they both are Salmar.