The untamed American West. 1876.

This is a land without borders and without laws. You are a solitary rider without a past and without a name. The sunrise frames your rugged silhouette as you and your horse make your westbound way across the desert.

Your horse’s name is Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. (“Dr. Nate” for short). His mother was named Linda: The Horse Who Forgave Judas, and his father was named Professor Ronald Horse, Ph.D. His entire lineage is a who’s who of world-famous equestrian titans. Your horse has more of a past than his rider. It is often this way in the West; memories, like hoofprints, are blown away in the wind.

“Yes. We are twice of a friend,” Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. replies.

Bad science happened to Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam when he was a horse puppy and now he can say a handful of English words. His grammar is terrible because of his brain, but it’s still pretty amazing for a horse.

“We have done a delicious memory as more if many and it’s several. And plus forever!” Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam continues. His voice is kind and full of friendship.

He can actually be very eloquent when he wants to be, but mostly he is stoic and only speaks occasionally, just like the taciturn, blood-red rocks of the unforgiving Wild West.

You ride on as the dawn brightens to full-blown morning. You fly across the desert toward the western horizon.

You’ve got to find water fast, or else you and Dr. Nate are both done for.

Suddenly, off in the distance, you see the dim light of a lonely Western town.

You and Dr. Nataniel Bedlam, M.D. approach the gates of the settlement. A lone gunman stationed outside cocks his Claxton-Borfgarr rifle and points it right at your heart.

“Whoa, stop right there, stranger,” says the guard. “This here is Harmony Gulch, the most orderly town in the whole of the disorderly West. If you want to get in here, you’ve got to state your name and business first. Who are you, and what do you want?”

“Is that so, stranger?” asks the gunman in a cold voice. “Well, if you want to get rough and wild in the violent kind of way, I have no qualms about putting the bullet snout of my Claxton-Borfgarr up to your heart and pulling the trigger.”

You and the gunman stare each other down. The gunman’s finger is curled around the trigger of his rifle.

In a panic, you rush over to the kindest person in the world. The cowboy’s stray bullet hit him so hard right in the lungs that his brain caught on fire. Things are not looking good for him.

“It’s all going black for me! I love trees and animals,” says the kindest person in the world.

Acting swiftly, you whip out your science kit and attempt to use Good Science to save the life of the kindest person in the world.

“Helping people is like food for me!” gasps the kindest person in the world. His eyes roll back into his head and he begins to lose consciousness.

You’ll have to act quickly if you want to save this man’s life. Fortunately, during your aimless travels in the West, you have learned the most advanced medical procedures available in 1876.

Which state-of-the-art medical procedure will you perform to save the life of the kindest person in the world?

You pull a cockroach out of your science kit and place it in the man’s mouth to go eat the bullet.

“I want to bake something delicious for the man who murdered me,” says the kindest person in the world.

“Shh,” you tell him, “try not to talk too much. Just let the cockroach do his holy work.”

The cockroach scurries down your patient’s throat, enters his veins, and locates the bullet, which is lodged in his brain. The cockroach eats the bullet in one bite.

The operation was a success!

“Please donate my teeth to an orphan so that he can paint little faces on them and pretend that he has dozens of tiny parents,” says the kindest person in the world. He turns his face to the sun as the light in his eyes grows dim.

“I want to knit giant cylindrical sweaters for all the trees on the planet,” he says.

With those final words, the kindest person in the world dies and goes to Hell to suffer an eternity of agony.

You dig a shallow grave for the kindest person in the world. You bury him in the ground, and a wooden cross sprouts out of the ground like a tree growing in fast motion.

You step up to the grave of the kindest man in the world. You want to say something thoughtful about him, but you know that if you get overly sentimental, then your image as a terse and rugged hero will be forever tarnished. You’ll have to split the difference.

Which eulogy will you say for the kindest person in the world?

You leave the kindest person in the world behind. He belongs to the desiccated soil of the West now.

You and Dr. Nate enter Harmony Gulch. It’s a bustling town that is bursting at the seams with law and order. Everyone walks in a single-file line and begins every sentence with the words “Thank you.”

In the lawless hellscape of the West, you’re amazed to find this oasis of law and order.

“Of course I know that famous horse!” says the gunman. “Everyone knows Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. He is the great-grandson of Beatrice: The Horse With Fingers and the nephew of Louis, The Dead, Frozen Horse That Knows Spanish. His famous deeds are well-known throughout the world!”

“It’s an honor to meet you, sir,” he says to Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D.

Your famous horse beams proudly. “Myself the tremendous!” he says to the gunman.

The gunman slings his Claxton-Borfgarr over his shoulder. “You two are more than welcome here in Harmony Gulch. In fact, it’s an honor.”

You and Dr. Nate enter Harmony Gulch. It’s a bustling town that is bursting at the seams with law and order. Everyone walks in a single-file line and begins every sentence with the words “Thank you.”

In the lawless hellscape of the West, you’re amazed to find this oasis of law and order.

You glance around the polite town of Harmony Gulch. You see two cowboys ride their horses at each other at a full gallop. They meet and shake each other’s hands. “Two men meeting each other,” they say to one another in unison. For some reason, this seems far more polite and orderly than a normal handshake.

While the cowboys are shaking hands, their horses kiss each other deeply on the mouth, which is also extremely polite.

You see a man step out of his home and walk into the middle of the street.

“Everyone, I have a somber announcement,” he says loudly. All the people on the street politely turn to look at him. Windows open and curious heads stick out to listen to the man’s announcement.

“I owe you all an apology,” the man continues. “I have just awoken from an extremely rude dream in which a dog said the foul word ‘groin.’ I am so sorry.”

Everyone politely applauds his bravery and honesty. They hang him for his crime of rude dream language. His dying words are “Firm handshakes.”

You search the streets of Harmony Gulch for someone to show you around. A cowboy waves to you from across the street.

“Howdy, stranger,” the man says as you approach. “Welcome to Harmony Gulch, the best-behaved place in the West. My name is Rattlesnake James. I got my nickname on account of how one time I saw a rattlesnake. It’s amazing to meet you. What brings a dusty-faced stranger like yourself to a polite and orderly town such as this?”

“Well, if you’re just passing through, then the only polite thing to do is show you around!” says Rattlesnake James. “You’ve got to meet all the kind, well-mannered folk of Harmony Gulch, and you’ve got to be introduced to our esteemed sheriff, The Bossy Cube. Follow me!”

Rattlesnake James leads you to a man who is hammering some molten steel on an anvil.

“This is Gorgeous Blacksmith, the town blacksmith. He makes things out of metal all day long. He only makes lawful things, like horseshoes and metal cans that you can drink seawater out of.”

Rattlesnake James leads you to a building with iron bars on the windows.

“This is the County Jail,” says Rattlesnake James. “It’s where we keep our criminals, and it’s the home of our incredible sheriff, The Bossy Cube. As far as sheriffs go in the chaotic West, The Bossy Cube cannot be beat. His lawful rule and bossy ways are the only reason Harmony Gulch is so full of order and good manners.”

You walk through the door of the jail and find yourself in a huge white room. In the center, there is an enormous white cube wearing a golden star that says “Sheriff” on it. It’s The Bossy Cube.

“Approach me!” says The Bossy Cube in a deep, booming voice.

“You better do what the sheriff says,” says Rattlesnake James. “Around here, The Bossy Cube’s word is law. It’s not a good idea to defy his commands.”

You walk closer to The Bossy Cube.

“Describe me!” The Bossy Cube commands.

“Describe me!” The Bossy Cube thunders again.

“Describe him!” Rattlesnake James begs you desperately.

“I am a cube!” The Bossy Cube roars in agreement. “This delights me. Now, tell me what you want!”

“Yes!” The Bossy Cube roars in agreement. “This delights me! Now, tell me what you want!”

“Miserable!” thunders The Bossy Cube. He grows red with fury. “You dare accuse me of the crime of roundness? Disgusting!” The room begins to shake, and the walls begin to crumble. Rattlesnake James flees the County Jail in terror, leaving you alone with the furious Bossy Cube.

“I am not of Round!” The Bossy Cube shrieks. “I am of Sides and Corners! I am The One True Cube! You are not Order! You are Chaos! You must go to Prison!”

The Bossy Cube trembles and becomes a being of pure water. “Drink of me!” commands The Bossy Cube.

You and Dr. Nate gallop on. It’s a wonderful day in the West for galloping aimlessly, and you are feeling fine.

Suddenly, you hear the sound of a Brefton-Sledge .45 caliber revolver cocking behind you.

“Not another step there, cowboy,” says a cruel voice.

You turn to find yourself face-to-face with an out-of-control desert bandit. He’s got his Brefton-Sledge pointed right in your face.

“All right, we’re off to a good start,” says the bandit. “Now, give me all of your water.”

Although your face betrays no emotion, you feel a stab of fear. In the cruel, sun-drenched desert of the lawless West, water is more valuable than gold, and a cowboy without water is liable to die of thirst in a matter of hours.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the bandit sneers. “My name is the Mega-Puberty Rascal. Folks gave me the ‘Mega-Puberty’ part of my name because I’m all finished with puberty in the biggest way possible. Puberty hit my body the way Noah’s flood hit the earth. My voice is as deep as Satan’s throat and I’ve done all my growth spurts, plus I’ve had my sexual awakening and I love to kiss, on account of my glands squirting out love poisons into my membranes.

“I got the ‘Rascal’ part of my name because I’m always robbing and killing people, which is typical rascal behavior.”

“Well, here in Harmony Gulch we’re far too polite to turn away thirsty strangers. If you want water, though, you’re going to have to take it up with our sheriff, The Bossy Cube.”

The gunman stands aside to let you and Dr. Nate pass.

“I’ve come for your water. Give me all the liquid you’ve got, and maybe I’ll let you live.”

Although your face betrays no emotion, you feel a stab of fear. In the cruel, sun-drenched desert of the lawless West, water is more valuable than gold, and a cowboy without water is liable to die of thirst in a matter of hours.

With blinding speed, you whip your pistol out of your holster and fire it at the gunman. It misses him and hits the kindest person in the world.

“I had so much love left to give!” cries the kindest person in the world. He falls to the ground. “I hope everyone has a nice day!” he adds.

While the guard is distracted by the dying cries of the kindest person in the world, you and Dr. Nate enter Harmony Gulch. It’s a bustling town that is bursting at the seams with law and order. Everyone walks in a single-file line and begins every sentence with the words “Thank you.”

In the lawless hellscape of the West, you’re amazed to find this oasis of law and order.

You reach into your holster, pull out your pistol, and fire it straight at the Clam-Noticing Kid. The bullet misses by a considerable margin and hits the angel who holds the sun up.

“I was extremely important!” cries the angel as he clutches at the hole in his chest. He lets go of the sun and tumbles toward the earth.

With no angel to hold it in the sky, the sun begins plummeting toward the earth.

“Here I come, you fucks!” the sun screams. “I’m going to turn you all into ashes, just like I promised!” The sun hits the earth with tremendous force, and everything is engulfed in flames.

You gallop frantically over to the angel who holds the sun up. Your stray bullet put a hole in his chest, and dove feathers are pouring out of it. Feathers are like blood to angels. It’s one of the Ten Commandments.

“My feathers!” screams the angel, trying to stuff the dove feathers back into his body through his bullet wound. “Cram these feathers back inside of me ASAP! I’m glorious!”

You try to help the angel stuff his feathers back into his body, but apparently you do something very wrong, because with a look of horror in his eyes, the angel unhinges his jaw, opens his mouth to five times its normal size, and vomits out Jesus hanging on the Cross.

“Not again!” shrieks Jesus. “Not again!”

“My feathers are everywhere!” the sobbing angel shouts at Jesus.

“God is rancid! He is rancid for letting this happen to me again!” Jesus screams into the sky.

“I was so important!” cries the angel who holds the sun up. “Look!” he adds, pointing up toward the sky.

You know better than to mess with the bullet spout of a Brefton-Sledge revolver. Better to give the bandit what he wants than to risk your life.

You hand the bandit the fishbowl full of all your water.

The bandit disappears into the heat and haze of the chaotic West with no law to bring him to justice for his crimes. That is the way of this lawless land of terrible manners. You and Dr. Nate have no choice but to ride on.

The Bossy Cube grows scarlet with rage. “Who dares refuse to describe The Cube?” he asks.

His booming voice is terrifying.

“I will make you suffer to no end. You must now go to Jail, the Palace Of Bad Deeds!”

“I don’t care!” says The Bossy Cube. There is a flash of white light, and then, suddenly, everything is shrouded in darkness.

“Howdy, stranger! I’m doing just fine,” says Gorgeous Blacksmith. “If you’re on your way to meet The Bossy Cube, you’re in for a real treat. He is very good at bossing people around and making sure everything is nice and orderly.

“I used to love using my anvil to make terrible metal monstrosities. I liked to build metal automatons that looked like men but said horrible rude words. But then The Bossy Cube bossed me around and said ‘Never do that!’ so now I only make reasonable things like horseshoes.”

“Yes, the story of how I came to stop building rude automatons is probably the greatest story of all time,” Gorgeous Blacksmith agrees.

Rattlesnake James taps you on the shoulder. “Please follow me,” he says. “We must proceed.”

Rattlesnake James leads you into the local barbershop. A well-behaved barber is cutting a reasonable man’s hair.

“This is a man named American Flag,” says Rattlesnake James. “He is our calm barber.”

“Well, howdy there, stranger,” says American Flag. “I’m doing just fine. I’m just performing an orderly and law-abiding haircut. I used to do all sorts of barber chaos. My favorite thing to do was to use clippings of my customers’ hair to stuff scarecrows and force those hair scarecrows to fight each other until one or both of them were dead.

“But then I met our incredible sheriff, The Bossy Cube, and he bossed me around and told me that it was against the law to make sentient bags of hair kill each other for my own spiritual gratification. I’ve given nothing but polite haircuts ever since.”

“Yes, thank you for noticing that my story is incredible,” says American Flag. “I hope you enjoy seeing The Bossy Cube. He’s going to boss you around in all sorts of neat ways! He is the sheriff of my dreams!”

Rattlesnake James taps you on the shoulder.

“It’s time to meet The Bossy Cube,” he says.

You and Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. drink deeply of The Bossy Cube. Your thirst is quenched, and you are about to thank The Bossy Cube for his hospitality when, all of a sudden, you hear the sound of a revolver firing, followed by the sounds of a terrified populous screaming and fleeing for their lives.

You rush back into the streets of Harmony Gulch and find yourself face-to-face with an unhinged-looking individual. He points his Brefton-Sledge revolver right at your face and lets loose a bone-chilling cackle.

“Oh, I won’t be putting my gun away just yet,” says the man. He lets loose with another cackle. His laugh sounds like a balloon deflating into the face of a man who is throwing up and singing at the same time. It is the worst.

“I need this gun, you see, to carry out my ill-mannered deeds on this day!”

“I’m going to kidnap this town’s beloved sheriff, The Bossy Cube!”

“My name’s the Clam-Noticing Kid,” says the horrible man. “I’m the most horrible outlaw in the untamed West.”

“They call me the Clam-Noticing Kid because I notice clams,” says the Clam-Noticing Kid. “For instance,” he says, pointing to a house across the street, “there’s a clam underneath the porch of that house over there.”

Oh, shit! He’s right!

“I’m afraid you don’t have much say in the matter, cowboy,” says the Clam-Noticing Kid. “My gang of outlaws have got you outnumbered.”

He motions to a gang of rough-looking bandits, and they walk into the County Jail, where The Bossy Cube lives.

You hear a brief scuffle and then the sound of a bossy cube shouting “Unhand me!” You check to see which bossy cube it is, and you’re horrified to discover that it’s The Bossy Cube. The outlaws have got him, and they’re carrying him away!

“That’s right, I’ve your beloved sheriff!” cackles the Clam-Noticing Kid. “And now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ll be on our way.”

The Clam-Noticing Kid and his band of outlaws carry The Bossy Cube out through the gates of Harmony Gulch and into the chaotic wilderness of the American West.

“Put me down!” commands The Bossy Cube, but his bossiness holds no sway on those lawless sands. Out there in the desert, he’s just a normal talking cube.

“I just noticed a clam hanging on the door of the post office!” the Clam-Noticing Kid calls back gleefully over his shoulder as he rides away into the distance.

Oh, shit! He’s right!

The Bossy Cube was the only source of law and order in Harmony Gulch. Now that he’s gone, the town is in complete disarray. Flames rule the streets. Nobody has good manners anymore. Everything around you is rudeness and crime.

Down the road, you see two men taking turns kidnapping each other. A baby swallows himself. A cowboy with a wild look in his eyes feeds President Ulysses S. Grant to his horse.

“Middle fingers!” yells President Grant as the horse devours him alive. “Middle fingers!”

A woman snatches a bald eagle out of the air with her bare hands and aggressively teaches it how to counterfeit American currency. The bald eagle flies away to teach this dark and illegal secret to every bald eagle it sees. Within hours, every single bald eagle in the world is making counterfeit money.

Lawlessness rules all.

“Our life of order and good manners is crumbling around us!” cries Rattlesnake James. “There ain’t a damn thing left in Harmony Gulch but vicious discord!”

“Please hurry, stranger,” says Rattlesnake James. “We need The Bossy Cube back or else everyone in this town is done for!”

You pat Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. on his horse neck. “Let’s ride,” you say.

“Yes,” your famous horse responds with grim determination. “We will do a bravery and perhaps several of courageous.”

The two of you gallop off in pursuit of the Clam-Noticing Kid and his band of ruthless outlaws.

You and Dr. Nate race across the desert. You’re not sure where the outlaws went, but you know that one of the Top Tips of the West is that when you’re looking for something, riding as fast as you can in a straight line forever is the best way to find it.

All of a sudden, you hear a familiar piercing whistle. It is the cry of the Steam Locomotive, one of the most magnificent creatures in all of the West.

The Steam Locomotive comes thundering across the desert. It is a truly magnificent creature. It sees you as it rockets toward you and comes to a gradual stop right next to you.

“I am a train,” the Steam Locomotive says to you calmly. “I am a type of enormous dog. The world is beautiful, and I will never die. I am a train.”

“Very well,” says the Steam Locomotive, “I will grant you aid. What is it you need from me, the train?”

“I, a train, will do this for you, a human being riding a horse,” says the Steam Locomotive.

You and Dr. Nate board the Steam Locomotive. With a piercing whistle, the huge dog begins rocketing through the desert at blinding speeds. You admire the scenery of the West as it flies by in a blur.

“The only thing that can kill me is the lava of the volcano that my egg hatched in,” the train informs you.

“The evil man who you seek is in this cave,” says the train. “Thank you for traveling with me. May the brotherhood between man and train grow ever stronger, until we reach that glorious day when man may mate with train, so that mankind may lay eggs filled with extremely fertile man-train hybrids of widely varying sizes. This is the kind of dream that all trains hold dear.”

“And I have fallen in love with you,” says the train. “Let us never part. Climb into my smokestack and we shall become one.”

The train races away into the distance as you and your famous horse plunge deep into the hideout of the Clam-Noticing Kid.

“Well, look who it is,” sneers the Clam-Noticing Kid. “I see you’re trying to be a hero for your friends down in Harmony Gulch. It’s not going to work. The Bossy Cube is mine now.”

“No.”

The Clam-Noticing Kid cackles maniacally.

“Very well!” he says, “I accept your duel. If you kill me, you get The Bossy Cube back, but if I kill you, your world-famous horse, Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D., becomes my property, and I get to force him to be my accomplice in all my terrible clam-noticing crimes.”

“A sour altitude to grasp of!” shudders Dr. Nate.

He’s right: The thought of your noble, kind-hearted horse doing the bidding of this lunatic is a sour altitude to grasp of, but you know that this is the only way to reclaim order in Harmony Gulch. You’ll have to accept his terms.

It’s high noon when you and the Clam-Noticing Kid meet at the center of Harmony Gulch to fill each other with bullets. A hush seems to fall across the entirety of the Wild West.

“Hey, cowboy,” says the Clam-Noticing Kid with a cruel grin, “what’s that behind your ear? Couldn’t help but notice that it looks like a clam.”

“Very well,” says the Clam-Noticing Kid. “Let’s just do this. The referee will now explain the rules of the duel.”

Oh, shit! He’s right!

“All right, you two,” says the referee, “this duel will proceed according to traditional Wild West duel rules, as approved by the National Dueling Association, and in conjunction with the United States Duelers Union, an affiliate of the North Atlantic Blood Sports And Lawn Sports Guild.”

“The rules for the duel are as follows,” continues the ref. “Like all duels in the Wild West, this is a turn-based duel, in which one participant moves at a time. When it’s your turn, you have three options: shooting at your opponent, ripping your own head off, or stuffing your opponent into a cannon and firing him into the sun. Any other maneuvers are expressly forbidden and will result in the forfeiture of the duel.”

“Very well, let’s begin,” says the referee. “Since the Clam-Noticing Kid’s birthday is closer to Halloween, official dueling rules dictate that he will have the first turn. Whenever you’re ready, you may begin.”

The Clam-Noticing Kid points his revolver right at your heart. It’s a Brefton-Sledge Magnum, one of the most powerful pistols in all of the American West. One shot from that and you’re done for.

Before the Clam-Noticing Kid can pull the trigger, you toss a clam into the sand in front of him.

“Oh, there is a clam,” says the Clam-Noticing Kid, leaning in close to get a good look at it.

He fires his pistol, but he’s so distracted by the clam that he’s not even looking at you. His shot misses you completely and hits some fucking nobody in the head.

“The Clam-Noticing Kid has taken his turn!” declares the referee. “It is now this nameless stranger’s turn!”

Which of the three acceptable dueling maneuvers will you choose?

Before the Mega-Puberty Rascal has any time to react, you reach into your holster, pull out your pistol, and fire it straight at his heart. The bullet misses by a considerable margin and hits a bat that happens to be the reincarnation of Benjamin Franklin.

“I was the idiot with the kite!” shrieks the bat as he tumbles out of the sky.

You gape like a moron as Benjamin Franklin the bat tumbles toward you.

“I was the electric clown this country still goes gaga for!” the bat shrieks. Benjamin Franklin the bat tumbles straight into your open mouth and gets lodged in your throat.

With a look of grim determination, you grab the Clam-Noticing Kid, stuff him into a cannon, and fire him directly into the sun. His body is completely incinerated. He goes straight to Heaven, where he experiences unimaginable delights for eternity.

Everyone in Harmony Gulch erupts in applause! You’ve defeated the ruthless outlaw, and now order can return to this once-peaceful town.

“Look at me!” commands a familiar bossy voice.

It’s The Bossy Cube! The sheriff has returned to Harmony Gulch at last.

“Feel proud of yourself!” commands The Bossy Cube. “You have freed me from the clutches of the Chaos Man, and now I, The Cube Of Order, can restore peace to this town.”

“You will stay here forever as my chief deputy,” The Bossy Cube declares.

It’s a tempting offer, but you know that this place is not your home. You belong on the aimless trails, with no companion except for Dr. Nathaniel Bedlam, M.D. and no destination besides the western horizon.

Acting quickly, you take the dying body of the kindest person in the world and bury him in the ground. It is common medical knowledge that a new, healthy version of him will grow from the old, broken version.

You must have done the procedure wrong, though, because instead of a brand-new version of the kindest person in the world, a scarecrow sprouts out of the ground. The scarecrow looks at you with blank, black eyes.

“Bring me my delights,” the scarecrow murmurs to you in a voice you’ve never heard before. “Bring me my sweet delights.”

The scarecrow smiles at you, revealing a mouth full of dog’s teeth.

“Bring me my delights,” the scarecrow says again.

Acting quickly, you pump a bunch of steam into the gunshot wound. You must not be doing it correctly, though, because it doesn’t help. The kindest person in the world is still dying.You look at him helplessly.

“Please donate my teeth to an orphan so that he can paint little faces on them and pretend that he has dozens of tiny parents,” says the kindest person in the world.

He turns his face to the sun as the light in his eyes grows dim.

“I want to knit giant cylindrical sweaters for all the trees on the planet,” he says.

With those final words, the kindest person in the world dies and goes to Hell to suffer an eternity of agony.

To your horror, the kindest person in the world is still dying even though a cockroach is swimming around in his veins eating all the bullets it can find. You look at the kindest person in the world helplessly. You know that it’s a lost cause.

“Please donate my teeth to an orphan so that he can paint little faces on them and pretend that he has dozens of tiny parents,” says the kindest person in the world.

He turns his face to the sun as the light in his eyes grows dim.

“I want to knit giant cylindrical sweaters for all the trees on the planet,” he says.

With those final words, the kindest person in the world dies and goes to Hell to suffer an eternity of agony.

“Well, if it’s water you’re after, then you’ve come to the right place!” says Rattlesnake James. “Harmony Gulch is well known for its hospitality. Let me introduce you around, and then our sheriff, The Bossy Cube, will get you all watered up.”