Fight For The Glory Of Rome!

The year: 31 AD. The place: Rome, in the height of her empire. The greatest civilization the world has ever seen, which stretches from Spain to Jerusalem.

It is a time of art and beauty, of conquerors and slaves. The borders of her empire hungrily expand outward, forcing all to submit to its dominion or die.

You are Praetorius, a general in the army of Emperor Tiberius. In your long military career, you have won numerous battles and slain many enemies.

At times you have been forced to perform ruthless and brutal acts, but all for the greater good of preserving the Pax Romana. The empire’s centuries of prosperity are only possible because of violent men like you, who are willing to shed blood and do whatever is necessary to maintain the peace. Although you take no joy in the death you have caused, you know that all your actions were justified.

Not a shred of doubt exists in your mind. You are the empire’s loyal sword, and your cause is righteous.

You are haunted by the lives you have taken and wonder whether you have acted nobly in the eyes of the gods. All that pain and suffering, and for what? To let the fat and slothful nobles of the capital revel in luxury while millions toil under their cruel yoke?

However, your doubts are irrelevant. You are a servant to duty, and you will not shirk your responsibilities.

You are inside your house enjoying a rare respite from battle. Sadly, this peaceful moment is broken before long when a courier arrives at your door with a letter from the emperor:

Tempus belli. Vade calcitrare aliquis asinus Germanic. Gratias tibi ago!
Bonam fortunam,
Tiberius

Your orders are to return to the northern front, pacify the Germanic lands, and conquer their cities in the name of Rome.

As you step outside, you run into your next-door neighbor Lucretius. He’s a good-natured fellow, but his wits have been dulled by years of wine and orgies. Personally, you find him a bit annoying, but you try to stay polite. He is your neighbor after all.

“Praetorius, so good to see you!” Lucretius says. “No doubt off to another one of your exciting wars.”

He smiles at you with the blissful ignorance of one who has never tasted the scent of blood nor heard the brooding clack of steel on bone.

“When you return, you must accompany me to hear an incredible philosopher I have discovered. His name is Jesus of Nazareth, and he talks quite convincingly on a number of matters. According to him, wealth is sinful and we must share what we have with the poor and needy. Also, he is the only path to salvation from eternal suffering.”

“Ah, what a pity. He has truly opened my eyes.”

“Wonderful! Safe travels, my friend.”

You swiftly grab Lucretius by his robes and execute him. He pleads for mercy, but an example must be made of those who turn their back on the gods.

Before you leave the city it would be wise to brush up on your battle training. It’s been a few weeks since you saw any combat and your sword arm feels a bit rusty.

“Welcome to the battle training grounds. I am the battle trainer,” says the battle trainer. “I can teach you battle moves that will be useful in battle.”

“There are three basic battle moves: attack, block, and dodge. Attack allows you to attack enemies. Block allows you to block enemies. Dodge allows you to dodge enemies.”

“There are also three special moves that you will need to know to survive:

“Centurion Slash allows you to strike multiple foes at once. It’s useful when facing large crowds of opponents. To perform a Centurion Slash, you must attack twice and then block.

“Dodge of Diana imbues you with the speed and grace of the goddess of the hunt herself. It enables you to avoid powerful attacks that a normal block or dodge can’t protect you from. To perform a Dodge of Diana, you must dodge left, dodge up, dodge down, then dodge right.

“Stunning Blow unleashes a powerful attack that can addle the wits of your mightiest foes. It’s useful against especially tough or strong enemies that a normal attack can’t harm. However, it only works against one opponent at a time. To perform a Stunning Blow, just block twice, then attack. If you prefer a more Roman-themed name for the attack, you can also call it Jupiter’s Blow or Vulcan’s Hammer.

“Now, let’s put your skills to the test.”

Your training complete, you hasten to the city walls to begin your trip north and reunite with your army.

Outside the city you rendezvous with Antonius, your second-in-command and romantic life partner. He will accompany you on your journey.

“Hey babe,” he says. “The horses are packed and ready to go. Give me a kiss before we leave.”

You passionately embrace Antonius, giving him a deep, wet kiss that symbolizes your unending love. In his arms you feel safe and protected, knowing that no matter how bad things get in the world, you can always come running back to him when you need a shoulder to cry on. (You will be able to save your progress by kissing Antonius.)

CHECKPOINT REACHED.

Yes, you are a gay man. Why, is that a problem?

This Roman adventure is just as good whether you’re gay or straight. It’s a thrilling tale of blood and conquest, and your sexuality is completely beside the point.

Sure, if that’s what you want. We’ll just replace that character with Antonia, and Praetorius is her straight lover. Does that work for you?

Go fuck yourself, you bigoted fuck. Game over. You lose.

You climb onto your horses and begin traveling to the contested northern lands.

You just walked right back through the gate into Rome. You have to go north.

The woods around you are lush and beautiful. Although the specter of war looms ahead, you cannot help but enjoy this time with Antonius. For a long while you ride through the forest silently, simply appreciating each other’s company and listening to the quiet rustle of wind through the leaves.

While distracted by nature, you are ambushed by bandits! They demand your money, but instead you will give them a much-deserved death.

You scoop up a pine cone and peg a squirrel right in its dumb little face.

You draw your sword and strike! Mars himself could not have landed a better blow. You neatly cleave the bandit’s face in two.

However, as he falls, another brigand steps forward to avenge her comrade. She swings at you with her dagger!

They haven’t actually attacked you yet. You hold up your sword in a defensive pose while the bandits stare at you.

You keep blocking.

You deflect her swing and the bandit stumbles backwards. You’ll be able to land a killing blow now.

You and the bandit both attack at the same time, and you both hit each other and die. Your life ends in a brave death, but perhaps it was an avoidable one.

You stab the bandit in the stomach and kick her off the edge of a nearby ravine. An eagle swoops down and catches the body in midair, then flies away cawing its thanks to you.

This was more than the bandits had bargained for. The last three decide to team up and fight you all together.

Normal attacks won’t work against this many enemies at once. You’ll have to use one of your special moves. Only a maneuver designed to be used against multiple foes can save you now. Hopefully you can remember your training.

You swing your sword in the air. This blow wasn’t actually aimed at anyone, but you have to attack as part of your combo.

Once again you chop at the air. The bandits are bewildered by what you’re doing.

You hold up your sword and block nothing in particular. A few seconds pass. The bandits start to laugh at you, thinking your special move failed.

Your special move was super effective. When the smoke clears, all that remains of the bandits are bloody bones and dismembered gristle.

You messed up the combo! Only a Centurion Slash could have saved you, but you did something else. The built-up combo energy goes haywire and rips apart your body from the inside.

As you put your sword away, Antonius comes up to congratulate you. “Well done, my love! I would have helped, but I knew you could handle a bunch of common brigands on your own.”

Antonius leans forward to kiss you. Once again, your lips connect and the outside world fades away. All that exists is this moment, just you and him, two people clinging to each other in an uncertain world.

CHECKPOINT REACHED.

You pause to wistfully glance around your house. Who knows how long it will be until you see these halls again?

You examine your most treasured possession, a statue of the mythic founders of Rome. According to legend, after the infant twins Romulus and Remus were abandoned in the wild, a she-wolf adopted them as her own and let them suckle from her breasts.

Your eye falls upon your other statue of Romulus and Remus suckling from the she-wolf’s breasts. Civic pride fills your heart as you recall your city’s storied lineage.

You spot your other statue of the she-wolf letting Romulus and Remus suckle from her breasts. Her milk not only nurtured two boys, but an entire civilization. Today, Rome still requires nourishment, but instead of milk it suckles blood. The nipple it sucks upon is your sword. That is why you named your blade Wolf Nipple.

It is quiet and serene in your garden. You will miss this place during the chaos of war.

That’s enough reminiscing, though. It’s time to get started on your journey.

Nice.

The level of patriotism you’re feeling right now is off the charts. You feel endless pride as you stare at statue after statue of Romulus and Remus suckling on those wolf breasts.

While you wasted time admiring art, barbarian hordes overran the empire and burned Rome to the ground! It’s the Dark Ages now. Great going.

The rest of your trip is uneventful, and before long you reach your army’s camp. A joyful chant starts up among your soldiers when they see you: “PRAETORIUS! THAT’S OUR GENERAL. WHAT A GOOD GENERAL!” You let them repeat this for a few minutes before raising your arms for quiet.

This would be a good time to make a rousing speech.

Telling your men they might lose completely crushes their morale. When they later enter battle, they can barely swing their swords or lift their shields because they’re too glum. You are killed to the last man, and soon afterwards Rome itself is burned to the ground. The Dark Ages begin and it’s all your fault. Over a thousand years later, when the bubonic plague begins to ravage Europe, instead of calling it the Black Death it’s named Still Better Than Praetorius, The Worst General.

Your stirring speech raised your men’s morale. They spend five hours chanting “Wow, Praetorius! Great general!” then get your face tattooed on their arms. After bandaging their sore tattoos, your army begins their march to the barbarian city of Teutonia. This stronghold defends all of the Rhineland, and if it falls there will be few obstacles remaining to your conquest.

“Why don’t you use a Stunning Blow against this pig? Remember that the combo for that is block, block, attack.”

“Great block! You’re one-third of the way there,” exclaims the battle trainer. “Now block again.”

“Amazing block!” screams the trainer. “I see a good number of blocks in my line of work, and that one goes in my top 10 blocks of all time! Perhaps even top five. Now, perform an attack to complete the combo.”

You perform a Stunning Blow so mighty it chops the pig clean in half! Three squealing piglets pop out and fall to the ground.

“You are now ready to fight! Go forth to war, and may the gods be with you.”

You perform an incorrect move, and immediately the world blurs and you pass out…

When you wake up, the battle trainer is standing over you.

“Special moves are tricky and dangerous things,” explains the trainer. “If you make a mistake, the combo energy can get out of your control and overwhelm you. You’re lucky this is just a training exercise, because in battle it would be assuredly fatal. Now, let’s give that another try.”

“Centurion Slash will allow you to strike multiple foes at once. It’s useful when facing large crowds of opponents. To perform a Centurion Slash you must attack twice and then block.”

As your army nears Teutonia, you find a large enemy force waiting on the road. The barbarians decided to intercept you before you reached their city.

Their archers unleash a volley of arrows. One arrow is heading straight for you!

You gracefully sidestep the arrow.

The arrow strikes you in the arm, causing a deep flesh wound. It will leave a nasty scar, but you’ll live.

You get shot in the eye and are killed.

It will take a clever strategy to achieve victory. The Roman army awaits your orders.

The men raise their shields in a standard turtle formation. As they advance, they shout the turtle formation chant: “SHAPE OF TURTLE. SAFE LIKE TURTLE. HARD SHELL. FOUR LEGS. EATS LETTUCE. VERY SMALL. VERY SLOW. HARD WORKER.”

Your men remove their shirts and armor, shut their eyes, and run toward the enemy, thrusting their exposed necks forward. The barbarians are terrified by this display of Roman bravery, and many of them drop their weapons and flee.

You decide to delegate responsibility and let the centurions decide how to fight. They appreciate the trust you’ve shown in them, and enter the fray motivated and empowered.

Victory! The Roman army cuts a wide swath of death through the enemy force. The surviving barbarians break ranks and run for their lives. Now nothing blocks your passage to Teutonia.

Before you depart, Antonius gives you a passionate kiss to celebrate your victory. Your men cheer as he lifts you up in an embrace and spins you around joyfully. Although your greatest challenges still lie ahead, in this moment you feel safe and happy.

CHECKPOINT REACHED.

You approach the mighty walls of the barbarian city. Their defenses look deadly and nigh impregnable. Unless you find a way to draw the garrison out into the open, you might have to wage a long and grueling siege.

“Thank you for this opportunity, general!” your solider says. “I’ll make you proud!”

He dies.

The leader of the barbarians meets you outside the city gates.

“I am Chief Axelord, the president of Teutonia!” he bellows. “Be gone, invaders, for you will all die if you try to breach our walls!”

Your stirring words move Chief Axelord, and he casts his weapon aside. The Roman army enters the city as guests, and you spend several weeks drafting a peace treaty that leads to a rich trade in commerce and ideas between your two civilizations. Humanity enters a golden age, and you are remembered by history as the renowned statesman who made it all possible. Unfortunately, the purpose of this adventure is to fight for the glory of Rome, not to conduct diplomacy, and you have failed your mission. You lose.

“How about we settle this like men? I challenge you to single combat! Let us duel to the death. If you win, my men will surrender the city to you. But if I win, your army will leave these lands, never to return.”

As soon as you agree to the duel, President Chief Axelord leaps into the air, swinging his axe. But he doesn’t attack you immediately. Instead, he starts performing a complex series of actions: kick, kick, block, slash, dodge left, dodge up, kick…

He’s doing a special move!

What could it be? An attack like a Berserker Bash or a Teutonic Tussle? Perhaps a dodge such as a Vandal Vault?

Antonius recognizes the move before you do. “He’s doing a Danube Dive Bomb! Watch out!”

There’s no way a normal block or dodge could stop a Danube Dive Bomb! Your only hope of survival is to employ a special move. If you can remember an evasive maneuver, this would be a good time to use it.

Dodge of Diana imbues you with the speed and grace of the goddess of the hunt herself. It will allow you to avoid powerful attacks that a normal block or dodge can’t protect you from. To perform a Dodge of Diana, you must dodge left, dodge up, dodge down, then dodge right.

You dodge left.

You dodge up. This is going well.

You dodge down. Combo energy starts to crackle over your skin.

As you employ a Dodge of Diana, a vision of the goddess’s moon chariot fills your mind. You stare at the neighing silver horses pulling the cart as they gallop in an elegant path across the night sky. Their grace and beauty permeate every fiber of your being, granting you supreme dodging skills.

You mess up the Dodge of Diana and the combo energy in your body goes haywire. The Axelord doesn’t even get a chance to hit you. On your own accord you explode in a shower of viscera.

Using a Danube Dive Bomb drained President Chief Axelord’s energy, leaving him temporarily defenseless!

2 HIT!

3 HIT!

4 HIT!

5 HIT!

As you land your final blow, the Axelord bursts into flames. He sinks to his knees, chuckling weakly. “You have won, Roman. Go ahead and claim your prize.” Then he explodes.

The gates swing open and your army walks into the city unopposed. It’s quiet inside…too quiet. There aren’t any signs of inhabitants.

You turn a corner and come face-to-face with a lion, king of the beasts and mightiest of all animals! No wonder the city was evacuated. The barbarians must have lured the lion in here as a trap for you and fled before they were eaten.

Are you mad? There’s no way you could kill a lion, the most powerful living creature! It has razor-sharp claws and long fangs that could rend you to pieces!

Even your special moves won’t be able to scratch it. Your only hope is a miracle.

You command a platoon of elite spearmen to engage the lion, and they bravely charge to their doom. Screams fill the air as the lion devours every one of them.

You pray to Neptune, the almighty god of the seas, and he answers your call! A massive wave of water sweeps over the lion and carries it away. The city is yours!

You pray to Jesus, that holy man you briefly heard about one time, and he answers your call! The messiah appears flying in the sky and shoots down holy beams of light that disintegrate the lion into ash. The city is yours!

Congratulations, champion! You have triumphed over your enemies and brought glory to Rome. History remembers you as a master tactician, and your direct descendant is Francis Ford Coppola.

Christ’s love fills your heart, and you quit the Roman army so you can follow him and help spread his teachings. In honor of your new life you change your name to Paul Torius, and are later known as the Apostle Paul. That’s you on the right in the picture. The following spring, when you and Antonius get married, Jesus is the officiant.

You dodge up.

You dodge up again.

You dodge down.

You dodge down again.

You dodge left.

You dodge right.

You dodge left again.

You dodge right again.

You block.

You attack.

While fighting, you look up and notice a strange man watching the battle. “Ignore me,” he orders. “I am only an observer.”

You notice he has a strange device in his hand.

You snatch the device from him. “Hey, give that back!” he cries. “Don’t you dare use it!”

The device hurls you thousands of years into the future, to a distant time and place.

The curtains pull back and the movie Avatar begins to play. It’s the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen. Although you cannot understand the strange language the characters are speaking, the visuals are incredible and you get the gist of the story.