Ah, español! A fine choice!

The Spanish language has a beautiful cadence that is built to convey the depth of emotion. Spanish language skills will take you from the golden shores of Spain to the Aztec ruins of Mexico to the high mountains of Argentina.

Okay! Let’s start out with some basics. This course is geared toward beginners with no Spanish-speaking experience.

Ready to get started, señor or señorita?

You have made an exquisite decision. French is the language of love, and it will allow you to read the original texts of Charles Baudelaire, Honoré de Balzac, and Marcel Proust as they were meant to be read!

So, because you’re interested in French, you’re probably taking a trip to Paris soon?

Really? You know, Paris is quite beautiful. It’s a can’t-miss city, with world-class cuisine and culture.

So, are you gonna book some tickets to Paris? Maybe some time in the next week or two?

There is no place in the world where French is more celebrated than Paris, the city of lights! Honestly, it feels almost irresponsible to teach someone French and not insist that they go visit Paris.

So, are you going to go to Paris?

Due to your lack of respect for Paris, it is clear that you are not ready for French.

Please return to the main menu.

Fantastic! You are going to absolutely love Paris! Its winding cobblestone streets, renowned museums, and superb restaurants will make your trip unforgettable. I actually spent a summer in Paris about 10 years ago, and it was really, really special.

Yes, it was truly incredible. Even though it was 10 years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday.

This one sleepy August night, I walked into a café on the Rue de Bellechasse with some of my friends from the university, clove smoke swirling with the smell of strong espresso and the carefree laughter of late summer. It was there I saw her.

Margaux.

You could live a lifetime and it would be less than a minute of Margaux’s life. She makes angels jealous. These are the only two photos I have of her; the only shadow of a dream that proves she was mine once, for a fleeting moment.

She has the effortless elegance that American women just don’t have, nor ever will. There is an honesty about Margaux that is so intimidating and alluring at the same time. When she laughs, it is as if the sun has started shining for the first time, as if she taught the sun how.

It’s interesting that you just said you’re headed to Paris, because that’s where Margaux—my Margaux—lives. Maybe you could give her a message for me?

Okay! Uh, yeah! American Sign Language! Great choice.

Just so you’re aware, hundreds of millions of people speak our other three languages, but only about 500,000 people use ASL. Maybe you’d like to try a different language? Might be a better use of your time.

Okay, you called our bluff. We didn’t think anyone would click on American Sign Language. We don’t know it, so we can’t teach it to you. We’re really sorry.

Please return to the main menu, or you can elect to fill out a complaint form.

Are you sure that’s what you want to do? Keep in mind that this is a free service, so it’s really no skin off your back that there weren’t any ASL lessons.

Our other three languages have robust curricula, and we know you’ll enjoy them!

You’re really gunning for this complaint form, aren’t you? We already apologized, so we don’t know what you’ll gain by filling out the form. It goes directly to our manager, so you’ll just be burning us if you go through with this.

You seem to have no compassion for a team of developers looking to get a free language app to market. It’s a competitive field, and getting your work out before it’s 100 percent is just the nature of the game. So we added American Sign Language to our list of languages to beef up our features. We didn’t think anyone would click on it, and now we’re paying for it. Lesson learned.

A complaint form is really gonna make us look bad with our manager, and we’re already on thin ice with him, so let’s just drop this here.

You could try French! French is fun!

Read this passage and choose the best response:

Durante su primera intervención, Pujol ha lamentado que el interrogatorio al que fue sometido ante el juez el mes pasado “fuera divulgado entero,” pero también ha dicho que esto permite a los ciudadanos “tener información directa” sobre el caso. “Y esto es muy importante,” ha dicho. En su opinión lo dicho ante el juez probaría que “toda la rumorología y supuestas pruebas manipuladas y fabricadas de arriba abajo” contra su persona “no tenían fundamento.” Con todo, no ha aclarado de qué pruebas hablaba.

Wow, you’re a little cock, aren’t you? If everything isn’t perfect for Mr. Dickhouse, you just throw a shit fit. You sniveling piece of human garbage, you can’t see outside your own goddamn taint house to care about anyone but you. We tried, we apologized, and we’re done groveling to the likes of a sweat drinker like you. Submit the fucking form if you want.

Fuck you.

ATTENTION: YOU HAVE BEEN SUSPECTED OF CHEATING.

You got the first question correct, even though it was exceedingly difficult. For someone who is taking a beginner Spanish course, that’s awfully impressive. The only way you could have done that is through CHEATING with ONLINE TRANSLATORS.

We take cheating very seriously at LANGUAGE GETTER LLC.

Sorry, that’s wrong!

We’ll make the next one a little easier for you.

Read this passage and choose the best response:

El ecologista catalán es conocido en el país asiático. Sus vídeos, que denuncian el impacto que tendría la construcción de la presa sobre los bosques de alrededor y en la vida de las comunidades indígenas de la zona, son seguidos por decenas de miles de camboyanos. Las organizaciones pro derechos humanos y hasta los partidos de la oposición se han solidarizado con su causa y habían pedido su permanencia en el país. El líder del Partido del Rescate Nacional de Camboya, Kem Sokha, llegó a enviar una carta al rey Norodom Sihamoni para que intercediera en el caso.

Hmmm. You don’t seem to be getting this.

Maybe you should try another language!

ATTENTION: YOU HAVE BEEN SUSPECTED OF CHEATING.

You got the question correct, even though it was exceedingly difficult. For someone who is taking a beginner Spanish course, that’s awfully impressive on the second question. The only way you could have done that is through CHEATING with ONLINE TRANSLATORS.

We take cheating very seriously at LANGUAGE GETTER LLC.

Excellent choice! German is a fast-growing business language due to Germany’s booming economy. It can also help you navigate the beautiful streets of Munich, Salzburg, and Berlin!

At LANGUAGE GETTER, we use a proven immersion technique to teach a language. This means we’re going to show you a picture, and you pick the German word for the thing in the picture. Being immersed in only German will help your brain form associations and nail down the language.

So let’s get started!

Thank you for your apology. We think it’s time you take a break from Spanish.

We recommend our French course.

You have made an exquisite decision. French is the language of love, and it will allow you to read the original texts of Charles Baudelaire, Honoré de Balzac, and Marcel Proust as they were meant to be read!

Let’s get started, shall we?

Tell Margaux that someone from her past whom she once shared a month-long tryst with hasn’t forgotten the way her hair dances on the Parisian wind. Tell her that this mysterious stranger hasn’t forgotten how she lilts her “h” sound when she speaks in her adorable but confident English. Tell her that he also remembers the warmth of her hand, as he held it walking over the pont Mirabeau. That moment replays every time he closes his eyes. Forever.

Ask her if she’s received his hundreds of letters and phone calls. Ask her why she blocked him on Facebook, because he can see through a mutual friend that she still has a profile. Was it too hard to see him go? That must be it.

Merci beaucoup! You have no idea how happy you’ve made an old soul who hasn’t felt complete since he picnicked with his foreign lover in the Jardin des Serres d’Auteuil.

Let us learn French now.

Question 1: Pick the French word(s) that best describes Margaux.

All of these answers are correct! All the words in the universe cannot describe my Margaux. Beautiful, brilliant Margaux.

Question 2: When you meet Margaux, will you also fall in love with her?

I was like you once. Thinking my summer romance would be fleeting. But Margaux is unlike anyone you’ve ever met. She will entrance you. She will change you.

Then go. Go to Paris. See Margaux. Deliver her my love. And see if you do not get swept up in her endlessly brown eyes that can trap a man in them for millennia.

You got it!

Not quite. The correct answer is der Doktor. You’ll get the next one!

Nice! You got it.

So close, but that’s not it. The correct answer is das Hospital.

Right! Nice one.

That’s incorrect. The correct answer is das Stethoskop.

Keep trying!

Right! Well done!

That’s not it. The correct answer is die Defibrillator. You’ll get this next one!

Awesome job!

Nope that’s not it! The correct answer is die Cartoid Doppler-Maschine.

Correct!

Wrong. The correct answer is die Hämodialyse-Maschine.

It has become quite evident that you are not taking this lesson seriously. Please return to the main menu.

Not cheating? But that...that means you must be the chosen one. The student who was foretold, the one who would speak Spanish with an effortless fluency on the very first lesson.

Please forgive our offensive accusations of wrongdoing. You are the Exalted. You are the Hope.

You are special. Truly special. It is an honor to have you using LANGUAGE GETTER.

You musn’t deprive the world of your gifts. There is so much we can learn from you. The entire language instruction industry could be revolutionized. We could live in a world where everyone can speak to each other. Understand each other. War would cease. Hunger would end. We would truly be one.

All we need is for you to come to our specialized facility so that we can study your truly magnificent brain.

Ah, welcome to the LANGUAGE GETTER Special Study Facility! Thank you for your contribution to humanity. History will be kind to you.

We will be studying your chosen-one brain for eight months. Due to our security protocols, you will not be able to leave the facility nor have any contact with the outside world. You will also only be able to leave your observation chamber to get meals and one hour of fitness a week.

Please, step into your observation chamber.

You were dishonest, and then you tried to cover up your deceit. That is truly shameful. You need to take a long, piercing look at the state of your soul.

But, ultimately, thank you for telling us the truth about cheating on our Spanish lesson. Your honesty is appreciated, even if it’s a little late. Please return to the main menu to take another lesson.