Welcome to your first day on Wall Street, kid! What do you want to do: buy money or sell money?
That’s what I like to hear! Should we go do some stocks, then, or should we ring the bell? Or perhaps you’d rather learn a little bit about how stocks work first?
Nice call. Should we hit the trading floor, then, or would you like to diversify your portfolio first? Or perhaps you’d like to learn a little about how stocks work?
All right, kid, you’re in the big leagues now. Time to make some decisions! What’s it gonna be?
Ringing the bell is a great way to thank Dow for all we’ve been blessed with.
Praise be unto Dow.
Whoa! You’ve set off a stock-trading frenzy! Everyone’s gonna start shouting now, so get ready!
Yikes. There are sharks out here, kid. You lost all your money. Now, you’ve only got two options: You can either cut your losses and go home, or you can go to the futures market.
Yes! You’re doing it! You’re winning all of the money!
Uh-oh. Why didn’t you shout? Everybody’s really mad at you. It’d be best if you just went home.
Wow! You did so good at shouting that Goldman Sachs himself wants to congratulate you.
Hahaha! This is so fun!
Great! You really impressed Goldman out there. He wants to know if you’d like to help him defraud some shareholders.
Oh, no! The SEC caught you selling toxic deals. You have to go to trial now.
“Well done, young man,” says Goldman. “You’ve passed the test. You could’ve gotten rich defrauding shareholders, but your integrity is worth more than any amount of money. Always remember that. You’ve proven yourself as a man of principle, and we think you’ve earned a spot in the Elite Traders Lounge.”
The judge has evidence that proves you committed frauds. How do you plead?
The court agrees that you are guilty. Now, it is time for sentencing.
Yikes! Despite your plea, the court finds you guilty.
For your crimes against America’s taxpayers and shareholders, you shall receive...
...ONE BILLION DOLLARS IN NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT!
Awesome first day, kid! You’ve really earned your wings.
Sorry, kid. Guess you’re not cut out for Wall Street. Here’s a cool souvenir T-shirt to commemorate your time here. Now get out of here. Scram!
Behold! These are the Futures. They have seen your star approaching from the east, and they ask which offerings you bring them today.
The Futures rejoice in your offering. They shall do stocks with you. But first—are you a bull, or are you a bear?
A bull. Just as was foretold by the prophesy. The Futures have been waiting 5,000 years for this day.
A bear. The Futures feared this might be so. They say that in order to assist you, you must first climb into the tank and do a tongue kiss with Wanda.
Wanda is pleased. She has chosen you as her life mate!
Really? You’re going to reject Wanda right in front of her face? Have some respect.
Way to go, kid! You are now an Elite Stocksman!
Incredible! Your two days of drug-fueled commitment really paid off: You just made $80 million!
Way to go, kid! Looks like all your hard work on Wall Street finally paid off. You’re retiring at 26! The question you have to ask yourself now: Is this all you need? Money, power, vast amounts of drugs: Is that enough to live a happy life? Is that truly enough to say you’ve lived a satisfying existence? Probably.
Enter the pool to receive what the Market has bestowed unto you.
Praise Dow! The Market has bestowed many commodities unto you! You are officially an Elite Stocksman. You will live here now, being kept artificially alive for the next seven millennia. Way to go, kid!
Smart move. If you want any chance of winning the big IPO, you’ve gotta have a diverse portfolio. What do you want to do next?
Just kidding. You’ll never make it on Wall Street, kid. It’s time for you to leave. Now get out of here. Scram!
Hahaha! This is so fun! We’re above the law!
Dow is pleased.
You make Dow feel so good.
Pray for Dow to bless us with equities.
You know just how Dow likes it.
Yes! Yes! You are shouting with your whole heart!
There is money everywhere! All over us!
Look up your stock code on the ticker and it’ll tell you exactly how many shares (slang for dollars) you’ve made. Enter your code now:
You’re up 40 shares. It’s not bad, but it’s not that great, either. If you want to cash out right now, that’s fine, but it won’t make you rich. Otherwise, you could either go back to the ticker and try your luck with a different stock, or you could—ahem—defraud some shareholders. But just a warning: If you choose to defraud shareholders, you’re putting yourself at serious risk of becoming incredibly, stupidly rich.
Holy smokes, kid, you’re up 306 shares! What do you want to do now?
Ouch. You’re losing shares left and right, kid. Maybe you’d be better off trying your luck in the futures market.
Oh, no. This isn’t good, kid. You’ve lost pretty much everything. You can either go home now, or you can go double or nothing on the IPO.
Where do stocks come from? How do they work? This video will teach you the true meaning of stocks, as well as how to apply them to your own life and family.
Still feeling a little unsure about how stocks happen? Here’s another helpful video!
IPO is short for Investing Pays Off, but honestly, that’s not always true. Depending on how you play your chips, you’ll either go home happy or go home broke. So what’s it gonna be, kid? Place your bet.
Oof. Bad choice. The tech bubble burst years ago, kid. You should’ve bet your money on something reliable, something that everyone’s always gonna need—like haircuts. But it’s too late now. All your money’s gone.
You made the right choice, kid. A lot of people think technology is a big moneymaker, but it’s really just a passing fad. On the other hand, everybody’s always gonna spend money on haircuts. So congratulations, kid. You are now an Elite Stocksman.
Well, kid, if your goal was to bore everyone to death and not make a shit-ton of money, you’ve succeeded on all counts. Enjoy living in a duplex for the rest of your life.