Water (H2O Smoothie)

Okay, it's time for meal one! Start flushing your body clean with a refreshing and delicious H2O smoothie. Let's do this!

Pour 2 cups water into a blender and blend for three minutes. Pour mixture into serving glass and garnish with parsley. Enjoy!

It's healthy, and it tastes great too. Talk about a win-win!

Sliced grape salad

Now that you've got your smoothie in you, it's time to have the healthiest food there is: grapes. There's a reason that nearly every cleaning product is grape-scented, and that's because these tiny, blue nutrient orbs are bursting with pure, wholesome goodness. Yum yum!

Slice the 160 grapes lengthwise and place them in a large metal mixing bowl. Toss them until well mixed. Garnish with parsley and enjoy!

Blood soup

By now, you've purged your body of most of its toxins and replaced them with good, vital stuff. But there's one substance that your body needs more than any other: blood. So, for dinner, why not invigorate yourself with a warm, restorative bowl of blood soup?

Place a saucepan over medium-low heat and add blood. Heat blood until it is hot like blood, stirring occasionally. Garnish with parsley and serve in a large metal mixing bowl. Enjoy!

McDonald's

Breakfast menu, baby! Eat whatever the fuck you want. Cram your neck-hole with all the hot, poison chunks you can—you've earned it!

Pile all that garbage onto your lap and then shovel it into your lusty mouth before the grease seeps through your khakis and scorches your genitals. Woo!

Fried Meat, Cheese, And Beer

Go ahead and have some meat and cheese and shit! This day's all you. You got this!

Do what you want. Coat the dead meat with the cheese. Eat them separately. Stuff the meat in the cheese. It doesn't fucking matter. Throw some sauce in for all we care! Who gives a shit? This is your day!

Fuck It...McDonald's Again!

Do a 9/11 on your heart! It's your cheat day!

Eat it all! Eat it all in a public park! It's cheat day, motherfucker, who gives a fuck?

Nothing

Today, you are not allowed to eat any food. You should just sit quietly and think negative thoughts about your body instead. At this point, it's the least you can do.

No food for you until you shit out every last morsel from yesterday.

Nothing

Same thing for lunch. Just think about how disgusting you are.

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Looking At A Lemon

For dinner: a special treat.

Here is a lemon. You can't eat it, but you can look at it.

Warm Low-Calorie Lemon

Lemons have only 17 calories each. To put that in perspective, limes have over 20 calories each. They're basically the healthiest low-calorie food there is, which is why for breakfast today you'll be eating the lemon you stared at last night during dinner. In this recipe, you heat the lemon until it's warm as stew, which brings out the full richness of the lemon flavor!

Pour the water and vinegar into a medium saucepan and bring to a boil. Add the lemon, reduce to a simmer, and let the lemon cook for three to four minutes—just long enough for the lemon to absorb the tangy vinegar flavor and begin swelling. Remove the lemon, allow five minutes to cool, slice into eight bite-size sections, and enjoy! Clean eating at its tastiest.

Salmon Filled With Old Pennies

Today's lunch is all about portion control. Limiting your portion sizes requires a lot of willpower, especially if you're dealing with something delicious. The best way to keep yourself from eating more than you should—particularly if it's a food you love—is to render the food completely unpalatable. If you make this salmon right, we swear you won't want to eat any more than two or three bites—a perfectly petite, well-managed portion!

Forcefully insert all 34 pennies into the raw, room-temperature salmon flesh. Serve.

Taco Fiesta

Every Thursday in millions of homes across America, families gather around the dinner table in anticipation for what is undoubtedly the highlight of most moms' meal rotations: Taco Thursday! That's right! We're talking ground beef, shredded cheese, loads of sour cream, guacamole, fried tortilla chips, refried beans, saucy enchiladas, jalapeño poppers, taco shells, and literally anything else with a casual-Mexican flare that can be packed onto the lazy Susan. As much as we'd like to stick to the clean eating regimen, who are we to buck tradition? It's Taco Thursday! Just go ahead and eat whatever Mom piles in front of you. ¡Arriba, arriba!

The Food Of The Old You

If you really want to feel clean, lean, and healthy, then you need to defeat the foods that represent the Old You. You can't let the unhealthy garbage that defined your former lifestyle continue to haunt your kitchen. And how do you vanquish these foods once and for all? You have to eat them. All of them.

Now go. Lock yourself in your bedroom and don't come out until you have eaten all these foods. Enter the death-orgy of trans fats and slime and emerge victorious. This is the only way to become healthy. The New You awaits.

The Objects Of The Old You

Just as it was necessary to defeat the foods that dictated your former self, so it is crucial to conquer the material objects that helped facilitate your horridly gluttonous lifestyle. The ingredients of today's lunch aren't technically foods, but you must eat them nonetheless. No excuses. You cannot fuck around.

Just do it. Eat it all. You can try to blend it all up with water and saltine crackers if that helps it go down easier. This is something that everyone with a positive self-image has had to do at some point. Now it's your turn.

You

Look, we wish there were some other way to do this. We wish that becoming healthy was simply a matter of diet, exercise, and willpower, but it's not. Becoming healthy requires completely eliminating the Old You—the old habits, the old attitude, the old identity—to make room for someone newer, fitter, and happier. Which is why, in order to complete the ClickHole Clean Eating Challenge and become a genuinely healthy person, you must literally devour your corporeal body. You have to eat yourself. There's no way around it. You have to ingest your own body.

Before you begin, administer the morphine intravenously to help dull the unthinkable pain you will soon be experiencing. Wait until the opioid has you feeling drowsy, disoriented, and—most importantly—numb. Then, starting at the toes and ascending upwards, begin eating yourself alive. Bite swiftly and forcefully to ensure that you're tearing the flesh cleanly from your body. Try biting off small, manageable chunks so that you have no difficulty swallowing. Do not panic at the sight of blood or organs; it will only prolong the task at hand. If you have a hard time biting off any particular portion of yourself, feel free to use a sharp chef's knife to pare away the stubborn flesh. After you've consumed your genitals and begin feeding north of the pelvis, you will start to encounter vital organs. This can be particularly alarming to someone who has never eaten themselves before, so to ward off the shock, try imagining that you're eating someone else's vital organs instead.

As you eat your way into your digestive system, you may begin noticing body parts you've already eaten emerging partially digested from the severed, dangly entrails on which you're feasting. Do not feel the need to re-eat these parts, as they will only fall out of your torso again. Once you've eaten your abdomen and there's nothing remaining but the chest, arms, neck, and head, you may find it physically impossible to eat any further, but don't give up! We assure you it is doable. You may actually find that it's surprisingly easy to get past the chest, arms, and neck, although the head, admittedly, is somewhat of a challenge. The most effective way to go about eating your head is to simply open your mouth as wide as humanly possible so as to invert your face and stretch your lips condom-like over the circumference of your cranium until it has been completely swallowed. And once you've done that, you're done